I want you to know how it feels to be your daughter for almost 15 years.
I want you to know that I’m 18 going on 19.
I want you to know that I’m so jealous with your life.
I want you to know that I love you and disappoint you.
I want you to know that I love you and you have disappointed me.
I want you guys, to know, that I love you so much.
I want you to know that I would give you the best.
It’s not easy. Life is cruel.
I’ve been sitting in front of the monitor for almost 4 hours, listening to Aerosmith – Crazy, The Chemical Brothers – Hold Tight London etc. The weather knows my feelings so well. I’m cold and I need a hug.
I don’t want to grow up. I swear, I don’t want to grow up. I want to stay as a girl, not a woman. I want my childhood back, where I was talking to myself while playing Barbie all day long. Where me and my family used to go to Puncak on the weekend.
I remember when I was a child, my dad recorded me a video when we were in Safari Park. We used to go there every weekend, just to show me animals and teach me how to love them. Can I get this part back? It was lovely.
And I remember when I was in the Kindergarten, my grandma used to come and pick me up. And my teacher asked, “Is that your auntie?” because my grandma looks so young and pretty. Yes, she is.
And I wonder, 10 years from now… No, 15 years from now… I’m at home, and there’s a photo album on my lap….. And I open it, and see a picture of my mother, father, grandmother, grandfather…………………….. Smiling.
By a strange coincidence, my playlist is playing Yiruma – The River Flows In You. Heart beating fast, tears running down my face, my mouth opens, wishing I could say a word. Still, calmly sitting in front of the monitor.
I don’t want to lose them! I’m afraid to grow old! It’s not about my skin, my face or else, no! I don’t want to lose my mother! My father! My grandmother! My bestfriends! My lover! I don’t want to lose them! I’m afraid that someday in the future I will reach alone! This year I almost lost my grandmother and I’m not ready! I AM NOT FUCKING READY FOR ANY OF THESE!
If I am strong enough to know your secret about my life…
Could I help you, or ask you, to arrange my life?
Or do my life over?