Tuesday, December 17, 2013

And Oliver Asks Me To Love Someone New.

You're just a song I've made from a distance.
You're just a shadow behind the door.
We turned out to be a simple story,
But it changed after you made it a little longer.

We walked hand in hand through the woods.
Four little birds gave us a short intro to remember,
How we fell into a hole,
How we cried when we saw each other eyes.

I let you hurt me more than twice.
You felt a good vibe when you did that.
You saw me, you saw my eyes.
You pushed me to cry harder.

And the rain fell down so hard.
Lights went out,
The moon hid behind the black clouds.
We didn't kiss, we ran away from there.

With no direction, we ran like crazy.
Something chased us, but it was our shadows.
It was your words and your face.
It was you all along.

Another place, another chapter.
We arrived and we saw nothing.
Too late to notice,
Too late to go back in time.

And now we are standing in the light,
We are standing next to our future,
You will walk away without me.
You will not look back for what we have done.

I am just a mess beside you.
I can't pretend that I am okay,
And you can't pretend that you want me like I want you.
We are not belong to each other.

I dreamed about us,
Where we slept on the same bed,
And when I woke up, you were still dreaming.
Dreaming me to let you go.

Hey Oliver,
I will keep your favorite instrument.
You can keep my favorite flower,
We can keep our memories inside a box.

Go after her.
I will go after him.
We will not remember what we've been through.

When Oliver Says Hi.

How can I didn't realize about this,
That you've been there for me?
That you've been standing and waiting,
For me, the one you've been loving for months?

"I've been losing you for months", you said.
"And now I want you back",
"I want you to stand up beside me one more time",
"I want us".

You're just my another memory.
My heart is yours to break,
Yours to play, yours to love.
I am not that kind of woman.

I am not falling in love with you anymore.
You're just using me to overcome and cover your fear,
To erase the pain that haunts you,
To calm down yourself when your friends are not around.

I blame myself to love you from a distance.
You blame yourself to left me behind.
This is not just a story,
It's a tragedy, a heartless tragedy.

You ran to me once.
I didn't let go off your hands.
But you let my heart went down the drain.
I lost you the day you won the prize out of me.

Hey Oliver,
If you're here just to make things worst,
The front door is wide open for you to go.
Only for you, for making my heart breaks in two.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

He Lost You At Hello.

Relax, I am not going to kiss you.
He's going to be so sorry that he lost you.
Forget the past, forget the pain.
And remember what an incredible woman you are.

He will realize what he lost.
You'll be happy.
It wasn't because you've never been asked about it,
But you never said, "Yes".

He stole your life with his bullshits.
And now he would like to have a moment with you?
Do you know that the hardest thing is having the courage to let him love you back?
He would rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.

At the end of the day,
If he still would rather give up than try,
Nothing is ever going to be worth it.
Whatever makes you happy, I bet he won't stand in your way.

He will have the thought of leaving you forever.
He will have no choice about it.
Your dreams will be moving behind your restless eyelids.
You will leave it all behind.

He will be wishing he could see right through your head and see the world the way you do.
He will be wishing he could know what you've been thinking.
He will be wishing he could see himself the way you do.
He wouldn't stand that because he thinks you belong to him.

He would think that you could do anything you wanted with him.
He would let you do you things.
He would break himself, he would try to make you happy.
His mind wouldn't want to know the difference between wanting what he can't have and wanting what he shouldn't want.

He would have never seen anything more beautiful than you.
He would think of the life both of you could have had if things were different.
You can pretend you want to join him and he will believe you, only if you could.
Until that last moment where you will end it all, one way or another.

As long as you can still dream,
He will dream of you.
You are a precious woman, everybody wants you.
And yes, he already lost you at hello.

Painting Pain.

You are my sweetest downfall.
The sweetest, the hardest,
The illness, the careless,
The manliest? No, you're not.

I didn't beg for more.
I didn't beg you to love me back.
I didn't touch you.
I didn't look after you.

I'm a thief.
Stealing some of your body parts,
It's contagious.
It hurts me deep.

Someone said,
When I least expect someone,
That person will come to find me.
It's useless.

Season changes,
Raindrops and teardrops look the same,
Wet coat and daffodils,
We never stayed the same.

I have some many wishes here inside my chest.
I wish I could stop you.
I wish I could make a bigger shield,
I wish you could turn to me and won't look back.

Hazel eyes and cigarettes,
You come in red, I can't tolerate.
White owls and a barking dog,
I convinced myself that I won't have you back.


Another day, another game,
I loved you first, this is the end,
You said no and I said yes,
We fell to a world we never touched before.

Why are you so hard to read?
Why can't we have another chance to live,
And start everything like I never knew you?
Yes, I won't touch you.

I really want to travel back in time if I could.
I wouldn't say hi, nor look at you on the first day we met.
I wouldn't listen to your stories,
I wouldn't event waste my time with you.

The night sky took  a picture of us last night.
It wasn't for us, but it's to prove us,
That we were wrong.
Always wrong.

I see what I see,
You see what you see,
It's done.
It's clear enough.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Year of Lights: Εὐφήμη.

It's kind of weird,
When I saw nothing on my bed except my things and myself.
I just had a great days with you.
And now I really know what I am missing.

We all know that,
There is no greater feeling than being with someone who wants you as much as you want them.
To love and to be loved in return,
Knowing that person will always there for you and the thought of losing each other brings you closer together.

I might be someone you knew in another life.
Someone who has been breaking your heart for years,
Someone who has been growing the fear inside you.
Label me, I'm okay with that.

I am not good enough for you.
You deserve someone else.
I can't make you happy.
I hurt you more than twice a day.

I can feel it,
When you talked about this man who broke my heart.
You convinced me that he'll comeback.
You said you were okay with that, but you lied.

You don't want me to spend my life with this man.
If he broke my heart once, he'll break another part of me.
Why did you have to lie?
I don't like that.

And why you didn't mad,
When I was talking about him in front of you?
Why did you listen?
How dare I did that to you.

The last three days we had spent are perfect to start our December.
December will stay the same,
Nothing ever changed but me.

You are the one I've been looking for, Ray.
I can't promise you anything,
But one day, when I turn 25,
My answer will be ready for you to hear.

Year of Lights: Day 3.

I opened my eyes,
And you sat there beside me.
You said you have been watching me for half an hour.
"Watching you sleep is calming me", you said.

I looked to the mirror outside my bedroom.
Yes, you cleaned up my face.
"Anissa", you called.
I came to you and you cried.

I sat in front of you and asked why.
You said, "I don't want this to end. I want to be with you everyday, everytime".
"No, we can't... But there will be days where we will see each other every morning when we wake up and every night before we sleep".
"Anissa, it hurts me".

You held my hand, like a child who lost his favorite toy.
"Holding your hand like this, breathing with you when we slept... It hurts me".
I can't even say a word.
"I am cursed. Because, even when I wrapped my arms around you from the back like when we were sleeping last night, I still miss you like hell".

I can't say anything.
It hurt me so much.
You touched my cheek and said, 
"Read me".

I didn't read you, but I saw your colors.
I saw your anguish, your anger, and you thought that you were doomed.
You will lose me one day, you will blame yourself for what will happen.
The way to love someone, is to realize that the person may be lost.

"Anissa", you began to look better.
"Whatever you will be, I will always love you with a love that is more than love".
"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your voice softly echoes. Part of you will always be a part of me".
And I wrapped my arms around you and cried.

We had lunch at Pizza Hut near my house.
Then we went to a supermarket,
We bought a bunch of things to clean the house,
Then we went home.

You kept your eyes on me while I cleaned the house.
Sometimes you played with my dog or smoked some cigarettes.
"Anissa, what if I get another tattoo?", you asked.
"A picture of a Night Fury, your favorite".

And came the time you had to say goodbye.
I felt bad, very bad.
You felt the same.
Yes, we're not good in any kind of goodbye.

Both of us took a deep breath.
You looked into my eyes and kissed my forehead.
"This is not a goodbye, Anissa. This is a thank you", you whispered.
"Thank you for everything".

"Thank you, for showing me that there will come a time where I have to let you go"

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Year of Lights: Day 2.

You woke up so early,
Only to made me something for breakfast.
"Baby! Come downstair! I got somethin' for ya!", you screamed.
I surprised.

Then we watched "Anastasia" together in my bedroom.
It was Saturday,
And both of us already got our plans.
You wanted to see your friends, and so do I.

But before that, you wanted to go home to changed your clothes.
"Can we have an evening coffee before we're separate?", you asked.
"Sure. Meet me at Sinou", I replied.
You kissed my forehead and gone.

Then we met at this coffee shop located in Panglima Polim.
You walked in with black t-shirt and black leather jacket.
You smiled, and said, "Sorry for letting you wait for 30 minutes, my lady".
I really love that joke.

Then I went to my friend's house and you went to see your friends.
I didn't realize the time I've been wasting that night.
It was almost 4 in the morning.
And you called.

"Where are you, wifey?", you asked.
"Still at friend's house. Preparing myself to see you in one hour", I answered.
"See you in Neverland", and ended the call.
And I went home for you.

You looked so tired.
I pulled your hand and dragged you to my bedroom.
You said that I don't have to erase my make-up,
You will erase it for me while I'm sleeping.

You told me to pray before I closed my eyes.
And we prayed together, as Moslems.
That was one of my saddest moments ever.
That was lovely.

You stroked my hair,
You touched my cheek,
You wrapped your arms around me,
And we fell asleep.

Year of Lights: Day 1.

It was almost midnight,
When you stepped your foot in my bedroom.
It has been a very very long time,
Since we slept under the same blanket.

You said, to fall asleep with me would be heaven.
And I said, to watch you sleep beside me would be heaven.
It was warm, I can feel you arms.
And that night, reality was better than my dreams.

I told you once, that I am a very hard person to love.
You smiled, and said, "You're wrong".
"You might be the hardest person I've been loving until now",
"But when you love, you love really hard. That's the reason why I've been staying for so long".

Your answer silenced me.
You smiled again,
And said, "I opened my eyes to see you, for who you are, not for who I want you to be".
Sweetness overload.

I know you are the only one who understands me a lot.
For all of these years we passed by,
You're glowing.
You're there, you're everywhere.

I hurt you and you ran away,
Someone hurt me and you came back,
I hurt you again and you stayed,
Someone left me and you held me up.

And before we closed our eyes,
I asked you another question,
"Why do you do this to yourself?",
And you replied, "Because loving someone needs not only sacrifices, but the whole of you yourself".

You wrapped your arms around me,
Humming me off to sleep.
"I love you", I whispered.
"I love you too", you whispered back.