Mourning Dakota.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

Wake up,

open your eyes.

Are you listening?

I've a story to tell.

So, I met this boy.

A clever boy, a special one,

and I can't say 'no' to him.

But,

he has problems.

He doesn't know how to love himself.

No, he refused to.

He's clueless,

to how this world works.

He fell hard and fast for his 'wants',

and he forgot to think about his 'needs'.

He doesn't know why he feels this way. 

He hates who he is.

He tore his heart open once, that easy,

and he did it on purpose.

He can't point out his own problems.

He can't respect his own body.

He repressed his feelings,

in order not to feel ashamed or guilty.

The boy is so fucking hard to read, isn't he?

Well, he was,

and he will never know why and how.

He refused to know.

One morning,

When the sunlight hit his face,

I knew it in one glance,

that God already took him away from me.

All I kept thinking about over and over was,

"Why?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Why did you do that to your mother and your brothers?"

The boy slammed his subconscious against his bones,

and spent all over the world waiting to end his own life.

His mind made him suffered.

His vision told him to die.

I bet the boy would say,

"Who knew the world would turn out so different?"

And I bet he would smile,

like, "See? I've been walking the right path."

Now, open your eyes wider, sleepyhead.

It's time to face the truth,

that you're alive,

and blessed.

Once again, 

good morning.

Bedazzled.

The boy never failed to amaze me.

He's still the inquisitive guy I've come to cherish and love.

His eyes, his hands, his movement,

are my favorites.

It's been months.

I am grateful that I could still smell his perfume on my clothes.

I am grateful that he's the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep.

I am grateful that he's still here.

When you love someone,

you put your needs before your own.

No matter how much it makes you feel,

even if it rips yourself into pieces.

I never thought I could have someone like Noah in my life.

I never thought I would spend my days looking at him like crazy.

I never thought I would be in love with someone like him,

and I never thought that he would love me back.

My feeling is genuine,

and I hope it would last.

If you ask how I could be so certain,

the answer is, "I guess I would never know why."

Honestly,

I don't know why I had to fall with someone who's more stubborn than I am.

There will be no beginning and no end for this,

because I wold hold you, without fear, without doubt.

Allow me to walk inside your head.

Allow me to live there in your mind.

Let me help you through everything.

Let me hear you, let me listen.

My Dear Boy Noah.

I love you.

Do these words get through?

Huh?

It's not enough for you?

Feel it.

Let your feeling travels.

Through you veins,

to your heart.

Darling,

I'm listening.

You matter to me.

You mean that much to me.

How can I help you get through these?

Your complicated mind,

your ego.

I would save you from yourself.

I won't give up on you,

even though you break me the hardest.

I won't let you go,

even though we're both old and gray.

Do you think it's easy to see you in this condition?

I wish you could feel me.

It's like, my eyes are going to explode.

I'm shaking, I swear.

"If I love someone, I would fall hard for her," you said.

Darling, believe me.

I would fall harder.

I would scream louder.

I hope you're doing fine.

I hope it's not a lie.

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Because I'll be the love I never received.

Blistered.

I am a complicated woman.

I frequently hold back my tears.

I frequently refuse to take a step forward.

I put others first too often.

I thought it was fair.

I thought I understand.

I thought you understand.

But it's just me and my imagination, right?

I am inflammable.

I hate it when things don't go my way.

I hate it when people gave me a silent treatment.

I hate it when people choose to run away from their problems.

Do you know me?

Hell, I don't even know who I am.

Do you need me?

If don't, stay the way out of me.

Do you love me?

Do I need an answer?

Words are stronger than body language,

do you even know?

I've been telling myself from day one,

that you could wreck my heart anytime you want,

that I could break my own heart in no time.

Did I listen? Fuck, no.

See?

I'm not part of your eagerness.

I'm bleeding.

I'm not yours to test.

I hurt so bad back then.

I fucked so many people that day.

I won't show you, I won't brag about it.

But, please, listen to me.

This is not your world only, love.

I live there.

Resurrect me,

for now I am lost in my own dreams.

Would you help me?

But you can't help yourself.

Fuck "ours",

I don't even know who the hell I am to you.

Broken Bones.

He sits there.

He's one of those men who sit in a very dark room,

waiting to come out,

to see the sun, the clouds, and his home.

I feel him.

The sense of some unpredictable force that might break loose,

his quiet sense of something lost,

I can feel it.

Maybe he's not intend to make me love him.

But he fixed my broken bones,

devoured my anger and my anguish,

and hold my heart like he holds a grudge.

I feared him once,

I feared he'd reject me once and for all.

I did, I saw the damage.

But, does it matter?

We shared the same feelings.

The feeling of guilt,

related to emotion of anxiety.

Why?

We'll never know the answer.

We realized that even though everything else is different,

even though there's still an ocean or desert between us,

nothing really important has changed at all.

Up on the rooftop,

under the darkest sky of the night,

without the ache between us,

what were we made of?

I feel like, I'm in a good shape right now.

because I keep looking for him,

I keep searching for his face,

as if he were misplaced.

Who is he?

The guy who could wreck me anytime he wants,

the guy who told me not to fall for him,

the guy who let me love him sincerely.

At the End of October.

I lost my father last October.

It was scary.

It was like,

I lost everything.

I wish I could have another conversation with him for hours.

We loved to talk about things,

about how cruel world could be.

Yes, we loved to share our thoughts.

He was a soft guy.

A loving father,

a gentle father,

a man so patient I could cry on.

He was not that type of guy who shouts when he was angry.

He didn't like to talk in a high note.

He didn't talk when I was angry.

He preferred to scream in silence.

I'm a hard person to handle.

But he made me easy to love.

I had anger issues,

and he showed how to control myself.

He knew his daughter noticed everything.

So he acted like nothing happened.

He knew his daughter had problems.

So he gave himself to talk about her daughter's favorite things.

He was different.

That's why I love ocean and sea mammals.

He's the reason why I love dinosaurs,

and sci-fi movies.

He loved his wife,

he loved his kids.

We were everything to him.

So did him.

He taught me everything.

He showed everything.

He answered every question.

He loved me that much.

If I could whisper in his ear,

And say, "I love him you so much,"

I would do it every day,

Until his ear bleeds.

But he left already.

Ghoul.

I don't know who's wrong or right anymore.

Here in this realm,

we live like a hungry creature,

wanting for flesh, wanting for reactions.

I've been walking alone for hours.

I saw so many dead bodies laying on the street.

I saw many red eyes,

and people wearing masks.

I have so many questions.

Won't you tell me?

The monster that you see in front of you now,

is it a part of me?

I'm standing here, in the corner of my dream.

I won't stand there,

in the world that keeps on changing.

there's nothing left to see.

They said,

"You don't need to blame yourself just because you've hurt someone."

But all I need was,

one sentence to get lost in all sorts of dreams.

Listen, the clock is ticking,

I'm running out of time.

We have a lot to learn,

Both your kind and mine.

I learned something.

It's not the world that's messed up.

It's just us.

It was our mistakes.

I can't see my future.

It's too dark to see.

I'm shaking,

though I'm unshakable.

All I know is,

I'm the one who was being eaten.

My life is a tragedy,

an untold story.

Should I apologize for being a monster?

Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?

For my shredded body?

For these open wounds?

I'm a ghoul.

A lifeless ghoul.

I'm begging you,

please, remember me.

until I find my heaven,

until I find a place where I belong,

please, trap me in your memory.
Don't forget me that easy.

Black Dog.

"That's the worst expression of you this morning," she said.

"Did you sleep last night? Do you smoke some crack?" he asked.

"Are you okay?" they asked.

I'm not okay, Goddammit.

It's not about the war on drugs.

No, I wouldn't argue about that either.

It's not about people.

It's about me.

I'm starving for oxygen.

I live in a society where crazy is the normal.

I can't quit you.

I'm running out of time.

I believe in monsters.

Yes, they're exist.

They live in your body,

in my body.

It's not the monsters I should be afraid of.

It's their hearts,

their eyes,

and how they howl.

Emotions and barking dogs,

those things are polluting my heart.

Fear and suicidal thoughts,

those things are poisoning my mind.

The beauty of the moon won't ever mesmerize anymore.

The heat of the sun won't hurt me that much.

I don't have a choice,

they don't even give me one.

I loaned them my heart.

I gave them my soul.

I let them bite me for hours.

They killed me but they won't bury my body.

I forgot.

In this realm,

Everyone simply believes whatever they feel good about believing.

They don't care about being human too, sometimes.

One night,

I tried to listen to a voice.

A voice so quiet, so soft.

Integrity.

All I want is,

a lasting impression on people.

So they throw me a bunch of flowers,

not dead bodies.

"No one's going to get hurt if you do what you're told."

True, and fuck you.

I want my mornings and my nights back.

Help me, I really need some help.

I've been committing mass atrocities since I was a child.

I'm a heavily armed soldier.

Do you understand now?

This is the black dog of depression.

One Day in Spring.

You're here, 

you're more than ready for warmer days.

The weather is so calm,

and you bring your own sunshine.

Seasons are changing,

you could reach me faster,

faster than the falling snow,

faster than the wind.

You knew it,

the one who can handle you is me.

You saw it,

Our body break down the line.

Your body is ripped apart,

you knew that I will embrace you.

You came to me,

and explode in my arms.

Your frail hands, my favorite shinning instruments,

I saw your lips turn purple,

You're dreaming again,

flying and falling from the sky.

I'll picture you standing in my room,

watching me, begging for something I couldn't give,

crying, sulking, and trembling,

what the hell is happening to you?

Wait for me.

Stay up for me for a few more nights.

Until the morning comes,

Until winter, until the first day of spring.

The Phantom.

There is a certain silence,

that spreads like a virus,

and comes from a lifeless object like your head,
that lives in you for a very long time.

There are dreams that cannot be reached,

from an old wooden armchair in the corner of the room.
There's a love that cannot be found,

from a piano with dust upon its keys.

There is a stillness between us.

In the darkness of the night,

I'm searching for your eyes,

your hands, your voice.

I was there,

trying to unravel the real reason why you left,

why you loved me before,

with an open wounds.

The boy is a thunderstorm.

He's my North, my South, my East, and my West.

My broken instrument, my glossary,

he's the key of destruction.

The boy lives in this lonely world too long.

With frail wings and fragile heart,

he gradually becomes transparent,

unable to be seen.

Hold on to me, Demetri.

You're no longer a phantom in their darkest days.

You're a human,

and I won't consider you as my enemy.

We were never meant to be more than two souls.

We knew that.

But I want you to find me, and walk close to me.

Give me another chance to hold you tighter than before.

A Ghost in the Doorway.

It's been months,

Since he left without words.

Lost opportunities, lost possibilities,

Feelings we can never get back.

He never gets old.

No, he would never.

He's still a lovely lover,

Who has come and gone.

One night,

He stood in front of my door.

He said, "I've been waiting for you."

"I will always be waiting for you."

It took me years to learn,

To understand, to feel the love.

The question of being worthy in the eyes of a man,

Lasts forever.

This is my life,

A life that turned its back to me.

I have no chance,

To take it back, to fix everything.

I threw you away.

I locked you up in a room.

I killed you.

But you still love me without asking why.

Such a brave man you are, Demetri.

You are that kind of person who might not be there again.

Give me time to speak,

And you will love me to the bones and flesh.

In Dreams.

I met you once,

And I fell too deep.

I touched you once,

And it was painful.

I never thought that,

Someone like you could ruin my mind.

I never thought that,

Someone like you could wreck my perceptions.

I can't quit you,

I don't know why.

Been thinking about you since then,

And it hurts.

I know you're just joking around,

Making people laugh.

I know it won't happen that fast.

The hell is wrong with me then?

I like you.

I like you that much.

It's like, my mind is fucked.

Damn it, damn you.

Don't worry,

I'm just playing around.

I won't be there either.

I won't fall again for the second time.

I impressed you, didn't I?

Worry not,

We live in a different world.

I won't run to you.

Last Tears of the Wolf.

I've been counting since forever,

Talking nonsense,

Thinking out loud,

Killing time.

Something is reverberating,

Through my muscular organs,

Through my veins,

In a blink of an eye.

He's there,

From the beginning of time until now,

He's been howling, crying, and running with the wolves,

Trying to find a way to the dark side of the moon.

He doesn't know how to explain something that no one can't see.

He doesn't know how to not to kill people.

He lives alone.

But, he knows how to love someone sincerely.

It's frustrating, and he knows it.

He lives by his sword, the mighty Muramasha.

Blood falls down so fast from his forehead,

But still, he doesn't feel a thing.

Listen,

It's his favorite love song,

A soft and serene song,

A gentle melody.

I won't let him go.

I won't let him walk alone.

Hijikata Toshirou,

Let's be lonely together.

Five Minutes to 4 AM.

It was blissful.

We had a great conversation,

Until midnight,

Until dawn.

It was peaceful,

Reminiscing our youth,

Remembering the good old days,

The process of discovering.

Green and blue were the colors,

You were happy,

Smiling from ear to ear,

While the world broke your heart in two.

Surprisingly,

You found the other half of your broken heart.

You asked for help,

And I'm the one you chose.

Twenty notebooks,

And you couldn't rid any of them.

Years and years,

And you stayed the same.

Things are easily taken away from you.

But you kept your heart behind the door.

Your body is a moving vessel,

A sacred one, and scared.

Don't worry,

I'm working on this.

One day,

I will walk away.

You were right.

I can't do anything alone.

Flaws and imperfections,

Drive me to work harder.

I won't wait.

But I'll keep my eyes open.

I won't be blinded by the rays of a new day,

No matter how dark the night ahead may be.

Goodbye, London.

He left that morning.
I hope he left with no regret,
I hope he'll find what he's been looking for.
Because there is no turning back.

His last words still echoing in my head,
"Don't hurt yourself like I did," he said.
But this is the price we pay,
This is what we came for.

Minds like ours cannot be tamed,
And I wonder how long this will last.
Your colors are getting darker,
I was blinded, I was too far away.

Maybe I'm in love.
Too in love,
But too weak to carry on,
Too selfish to face the reality.

London is a lovely guy.
He never asked for more,
He never asked for love.
He loves me for who I am, and it's hard.

I got your messages.
I listened to it for hours,
Pain on pain on play repeating,
The burden gets too heavy.

I had hidden a lot of things inside.
I never dared to show them.
In silence, I tried to kill them,
But the heart wants what it wants.

My dear London,
I'm writing a letter I will never dare to send.
Touch my swollen eyes,
You can read me, go ahead.

London,
Come back to me.
We could have been so glorious.
I miss you already.