If Winter Comes, Can Spring Be Far Behind?

Until today,

I'm still keeping this little thing inside a box.

That thing you gave,

When we met for the second time.

You asked me to keep it safely.

"Don't you dare to lose it", you said.

Yes, I remember you said that so clearly in my head.

So, don't worry about it.

And I'm still keeping this yellow lighter too.

You left it on the sofa when you came to my house.

That was the last day we met.

And yes, that was the last day I saw you very closely.

And came the next day,

Where I lost you.

You didn't give any answer to my last question,

Which was, "Have you prepared everything for tomorrow?".

It was October 7th.

And now the date is November 22nd.

It's been a month.

And I didn't run after you.

I confess,

I was thinking about you lately.

How the hell are you?

What have you been up to? Where have you been?

But yes, it was only last for 2-3 days.

It was just,

I missed you.

Back in the days where we used to see each other almost every night until the sun comes up.

I always watched you sleep.

I watched your silly face, such a kid.

And we used to sing a bunch of songs, you played your guitar.

And yes, that laughter.

I never blamed you.

You changed me.

It was good, it was great.

I'm happy.

Those are my precious memories.

So special, because it was made from you.

Sometimes, your face appears in my head.

But sometimes, goodbye is the only way.

Can A Drummer Get Some?

What should I do to make you understand,

That we can only be like this for now?

I don't want to go on for another journey.

Because I am living my life like a king right now.

Honestly,

I felt terrible when you called me a few days ago.

You cried,

Just because you saw me wearing a green kebaya.

You said you really want to see me wearing it,

On the day where you will marry me.

When you shake my father's hand,

Then I am completely legal as your wife.

Stop.

I don't want to use a green kebaya either on that kind of day.

I will use white, or black.

Red would be nice.

I am sorry.

But don't talk too much.

I feel bad.

And I can't help you.

What I want is to walk this path like there is no end for it.

Just let it flow, follow the river.

I know we are in too deep.

But please, don't think too much.

I'm here, my dear.

I will never go far.

If you need me, you could call.

I will answer you phone call so don't worry.

If the sun shines too bright,

Will you be my remedy?

And if the sun hides behind the cloud,

Will you be here to watch it me?

Yes, I will give the drummer some.

Oblivion.

Dear Soleil,

I guess you're wrong.

Take a look to my eyes.

I'm still in love with you since the day you went away.

You close your eyes but you see through.

You bite your tongue,

Pretend that you're okay.

Yes, you haven't seen the last of me.

I hope you're doing well out there.

Because I'm here, doing well too.

I hope you'll get what you've been looking for.

I wish you a great life.

My dearest Soleil,

If you think that I'm an ignorant person,

No, I am not.

I am not like what you thought.

Seasons changed,

And I'm still here.

No, I'm not waiting.

But I'm trying to take over control of my head.

I dreamed of you three times.

Shit, you left me with so much lessons to learn.

I fell and I ran,

And I thank you for that.

My dearest Soleil,

Last but not least,

Even when we meet again one day,

I still miss you even though you're there sitting in front of me.

Back From the Dead.

Why the fuck are you here?

Why do you reach me?

Saying sorry,

And asking me to let you in?

I never thought that we would ever meet again.

I never thought that it would be very easy.

You are here now and smiling.

But my smile isn't worth for you and for what you've done.

You come here uninvited.

I don't want you here.

You bring back the pain I've been buried for a long time.

I worked so hard to put it to rest.

You can't just expect me to open my door for you.

You are not worth anything from me.

I deserve better, someone better.

You can make me sit and talk but I won't listen.

Now you're back from the dead.

And I want you to go away from me.

I don't want to kill you for the second time.

I will let you live on your own.

I will mourn the loss of you,

And pray what's best for you.

And how many times do I have to tell you,

Even when you're crying like that, you're still beautiful.

Now, go.

Make some magic.

Another Heart To Break.

Some people asked me a very good question,

Why don't we go back together?

Why don't I just give it another try,

Because they knew that you agree with them.

Because you are someone who has been protecting me for almost ten years.

Because you are someone who has been loving me for years.

And I always welcome you here and everywhere.

Yes, I always let you in.

That's the reason why I don't agree with them.

I don't want us back together like we were.

I would rather keep you close, here.

I don't want to lose you one more time.

We were so young back then, though we are now.

We let each other did what we wanted,

We loved each other without a single question,

We had each other and we never asked for more.

And came the day where I had enough.

You didn't break my heart,

But you broke the promises you've made.

I didn't regret, but you did.

I walked away and you stayed.

You convinced me and made another promises.

You assured me that you will not leave me like that again.

And for almost ten years, you've been doing it wisely, well, sometimes.

I don't want to lose you again.

I want to keep you this way.

I know I can't give what you really want in return.

I told you so many times, right?

I was glad when you agreed with me a few months ago.

I knew it hurt so much,

But I had to make you realized,

That you've been hurting yourself for almost ten years.

I won't recall the memories I had with you.

Remember, you are not my bestfriend nor my lover.

You are one of the people I don't want to lose.

You are someone who understands me and my life so much.

Thank you for the love that you gave,

Thank you for tattooed my last name on your back,

Thank you for the hands that have been wiping my tears away for almost ten years so fondly,

I love you so much, Raihanif.

Home.

Finally,

I went to a place where people can't reach me for a day.

I spent my time under a big tree,

Inhaled the mountain fresh air.

Yes, my body needed it.

I closed my eyes for almost fifteen minutes,

I let my body reconstructed,

I let my head exploded.

Those are my bestfriends.

Those pine trees, cold water and those little birds.

My shelter,

My elegy.

I will leave the city one day.

And maybe, I will never come back.

I will leave you and the rest.

I will have my own world to conquer.

Minuet.

Got home at nine,

And I realized something,

Someone followed me home,

And I know that maroon car outside my window.

I went outside,

I went to see the one I loved so much once.

He threw me a lot of questions.

He knew why I didn't answer.

He knew I can't answer.

He knew that I knew it all along.

It was my fault.

I wasn't ready for any of this.

I went travel back in time,

Where I drowned,

To a time when I loved someone,

And he left me with nothing except tears.

I tried to make things right.

I did, I said sorry.

I tried to fix things up,

But he won't let me.

He didn't give me another chance.

He stopped,

He erased me from his life,

He left.

Then I went home and cried.

I asked myself why,

I asked God why,

It hurt I swear.

Back to reality,

I just realized that something came out from my eyes.

He wiped my tears away,

And said, "You are not ready yet".

He was right.

I didn't see it,

That I am not ready.

I am not ready to be hurt like that again.

That's the reason why it's hard for me to believe in someone.

That's the reason why I am afraid to fix things up.

I'm afraid if the new person doesn't feel the same like I do.

I'm afraid if the new person doesn't love me like I do.

He told me to stop being over-thinking.

One day, someone will take that place,

And that person won't hurt me like they did.

That person will take a good care of me patiently.

He stopped me when I was going to walk inside.

He stroked my head,

He kissed my forehead,

And said,

"One day, someone will love you like I always do to you. No, even better than that. One day, that person will take my place as the one who will always protect you, respect you and love you, for what you are."

And he went away.

I walked back to my house,

I went to my room,

I closed the door,

And cried.

Mother Knows Best.

Hari Minggu kemaren, gue pergi ngopi sama bunda gue. Di jalan, dia nanya sesuatu yang gua nggak nyangka dia bakal nanya. Ya, ada lah. Gue kaget juga dia nanya dan ternyata dia se-pay attention itu sama apa yang dia tanya. She was asking about someone, and I had to say that the person is already gone.

Di tempat ngopi, akhirnya ngobrol lah kita sekian jam. Nggak tentang orang ini aja, tapi beberapa orang dari masa lalu gue pun dibawa-bawa. Jujur, gue sebenernya kesel, tapi gue tau, apapun yang dia bahas, itu pasti baik buat gue.

Bunda gue is the best mom in the world. Dia merangkap semuanya, my mother, my sister, my bestfriend, and everything. Bunda adalah seseorang yang open-minded, selalu terbuka sama hal-hal baru even ibunya dulu galak banget dan bapaknya polisi. Bapak kamu polisi? Iya, kok tau? Soalnya kamu telah memenjarakan hatiku di hatimu... Ha. Gue selalu terbuka untuk masalah perasaan ke bunda, apapun itu. Even itu adalah sesuatu yang aneh, rancu atau nggak pantes diomongin, gue akan bilang. Dan dia selalu nerima dan selalu pahamin hal itu. Gue, kalo belom curhat sama bunda sebenernya belom afdol, jadi gue ceritain lah semua yang pernah gue alamin ke bunda.

Bunda, udah pernah ngeliat keadaan gue dari yang memalukan sampe hal yang menyedihkan setiap gue punya pacar. Bunda juga selalu nanya tiap gue bawa orang baru ke rumah. Dia siapa, rumahnya dimana, umurnya berapa, kerja atau kuliah, sampe agamanya pun ditanyain. Bunda orangnya juga nyablak, apalagi kalo udah ketemu sama sahabat-sahabat gue, nggak cowo, nggak cewe. Kalo gue pergi sama sahabat gue, dia nggak bakal nelpon gue lagi dimana, karena gue dan temen-temen gue sudah membangun kepercayaan makanya bunda santai aja. Tapi kalo sama orang baru, bunda memang agak rewel dan gue ngerti itu.

Back to the main story, bunda nanya kenapa orang ini pergi. Gue bilang, mungkin ini salah gue karena gue nggak peka atau nggak ada inisiatif. Dan bunda mulai nyalah-nyalahin gue. Bunda bilang, gue orangnya nggak peka dengan apa yang gue omongin. Mungkin orang terdeket gue paham sama cara bicara gue, tapi nggak semua orang paham dan mungkin ada omongan gue yang menyakitkan. Banyak banget yang bunda omongin, dan hampir 90%-nya, dia bilang itu salah gue. "Jangan salahin dia kalo dia pergi dari kamu. Kamu belom baik buat dia berarti", kira-kira begitu kata bunda.

Sampe akhirnya dia menghidupkan kesalahan-kesalahan gue yang lalu-lalu yang sebenernya nggak perlu dibahas lagi. Tapi gue tetep mempersilahkan bunda ngomong. Gue kesel, tapi bunda bener. Dengan begitu, gue harus introspeksi. Apakah gue melakukan kesalahan yang sama lagi, atau engga. Apakah gue pernah mengalami keadaan ini sebelomnya apa belom pernah. Gue agak gimana gitu sih, ngehidupin kesalahan-kesalahan gue yang lalu-lalu sama aja ngehidupin rasa sakitnya lagi, kan? Tapi yang bunda lakuin itu bener banget. It helped.

Gue inget dulu bunda sama gue pernah nangis bareng. Dulu, gue pernah ditinggal sama orang yang gue bener-bener sayang secara sepihak. Sakit banget rasanya dan gue nangis di kamar bunda sambil bilang orang itu jahat banget. Bunda elus-elus kepala gue, dan untuk pertama kalinya dia bilang, "Iya, dia memang jahat". Bunda juga nangis saat itu, dan berusaha nguatin gue sampe akhirnya gue bisa lepas dan lupa sama orang itu.

Dari obrolan gue sama bunda sekian jam itu, banyak hal yang gue dapet. Gue nggak boleh egois, gue nggak bisa memaksakan hal yang memang kita berdua pun juga nggak akan bisa jalanin. Gue harus paham, orang itu juga punya hidup dia. Dan sebelum gue jadi siapa-siapa, gue nggak punya hak atas hidup dia. Dan bunda sempet marahin gue kenapa gue nggak usaha contact atau reach orang ini, dan gue bilang gue ragu orang ini sayang sama gue karena kayaknya cuma kebawa suasana aja dan gue cuma jadi pelarian. Bunda bales, kenapa gue ga tanya? Gue salah, karena gue emang nggak nanya. Tapi bunda paham kenapa gue diem-diem aja, karena orang itu berubah dan prinsip kita beda. Kalo masalah prinsip, memang bunda keliatan nggak apa-apa atas masalah itu, tapi gue yakin di dalem hatinya dia pasti ada masalah. Mana rela dia? Kalo udah masalah prinsip, emang pasti udah susah. Dan gue pernah jalanin sama orang yang beda prinsip, ujung-ujungnya? Nyakitin banget. Gue juga yakin bunda nggak mau liat anaknya sakit karena perbedaan prinsip itu padahal sisanya fine-fine aja.

Dan hal lain yang gue dapet, orang kalo sayang sama orang, pasti ada usahanya. Kalo nggak ada usahanya, jangan buang-buang waktu untuk diusahain. Semua harus seimbang, harus fair. Jangan menyakiti diri sendiri dengan hal-hal yang cuma sepihak. Jangan mau digampangin. Perhatiin omongan gue dan kata-kata yang harus diomongin sama yang nggak. Yes, mama! I'll do that.

So I guess it's time for me to make coffee and sing with the wind.

I am so proud to have a mother like her.

Love you, bunja!

Hell Yeah I'm A Ford Mustang.

Last Thursday, me and Billy Israj had this quality talk at office. Tentang tipe-tipe orang, masalah psikologi dan logika. Dan yang menarik, kata-kata mas Billy yang satu ini, "Kenapa terkadang orang nggak sadar kalo orang yang udah nge-handle mereka di saat mereka susah, itu adalah orang yang seharusnya mereka pertahanin."

Yes, I've been questioning that one too. Dari kasat mata orang, memang kayaknya salah banget si A ngelepas si B yang udah nge-handle dia, nemenin dia dari nol sampe dia 'bernilai'. Justru orang kaya B itu harus dipertahanin karena itu udah ngasih contoh kalo si B itu sanggup sayang sama orang dalam kondisi apapun, dari yang terburuk sampe yang terbaik. Si A berarti kelewat bego udah nyia-nyiain orang kaya si B.

Tapi, gue coba ngeliat dari beberapa sisi. Mungkin si A emang lupa diri karena masalah status harga diri yang dia punya. Mungkin si A ngerasa kalo si B itu nggak pantes ngedampingin dia di saat dia 'bernilai'. Mungkin si B punya kesalahan fatal yang bikin si A kecewa makanya dilepaslah si B. Banyak kemungkinan, mulai dari yang terparah sampe yang terbaik. Gimana pun, gue yakin si A punya banyak pertimbangan buat hidup dia. Kalo dia baik dan nggak sembarangan sih, pertimbangan dia baik juga buat si B. Tapi kalo nggak tau diri, ya, buat konsumsi pribadi. Ada pertimbangan apa nggak, urusan nyesel nggaknya, ya, bakal ditanggung sama si A, sekalian ngelatih kedewasaan.

Nah, gimana sama si B? Yang ditinggalin atau lebih kasarnya dibuang begitu aja dari hidup si A? Si B kan udah nge-handle si A mulai dari nol sampe jadi 'bernilai'. Berat banget emang buat si B untuk terima kenyataannya kaya gitu. Iyalah, ditaiin banget si B, apa-apaan. Honestly, I've been there and done that. Jadi, bukannya gue sotoy, tapi gue banyak ngambil pelajaran dari situ. Dan nggak hanya itu, gue juga coba liat dari beberapa sisi, dari beberapa mata, jadi, nggak cuma dari dua pasang mata aja. Jujur, awalnya gue emang sempet marah, kecewa, dan ngelabelin orang ini sebagai orang yang paling nggak tau diri yang pernah gue kenal. Tapi, gue belajar dan gue berusaha memposisikan diri gue sebagai orang itu juga. Siapa tau dia gave up on me emang karena untuk kebaikan dia di masa mendatang. Emang sih, nggak banget kayanya statement itu, kesannya lupa diri banget. But every person in this world has their own reason, right? Dia pasti ada alesan lain yang dia pun nggak bisa utarain dan seharusnya, kalo lo ngerti bagaimana caranya meng-handle orang itu, lo seharusnya udah paham dan nggak perlu nanya lagi, even ada baiknya diobrolin, but sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Gantung sih, tapi kan lo nggak bisa maksa orang untuk menuhin ekspektasi lo, iya nggak?

Dan gimana caranya supaya si B bisa move on? Sedap. Sebenernya nggak perlu ribet. Ini sebenernya cara paling gampang tapi susah dilakuin. Niat. Niat buat ikhlas, niat buat nge-let go, niat buat move on. Niat buat ikhlas dulu deh. Kalo nggak ada niat, ya mana bisa maju ya keleussss. Niat itu emang susah, karena mau orang laen ngomong sampe berbusa kaya mulut dishampooin ngasih tau kita buat move on, kalo nggak ada niat dari dalem diri kitanya, ya, nggak bakalan bisa maju. Yang jelas, jangan denial sama diri sendiri juga. Mau nangis ya nangis, mau marah-marah ya marah-marah, jangan ditahan. Anggep aja dia sedang melakukan yang terbaik buat lo juga. Bukannya sok bijak, tapi berbahagialah. Dia mau membahagiakan hidup dia tanpa lo di dalemnya. Bagus kan, berarti orang itu udah mandiri, bisa bikin bahagia sendiri. Dan lo juga nggak perlu repot musti jadi 'fondasi' kebahagiaannya dia.

Jangan pernah nyalahin orang itu atas apa yang dia lakuin ke lo. Dan jangan pernah nyalahin diri lo sendiri atas keputusan dia. Kalian sama-sama salah. Jangan maksa orang dan jangan maksain diri sendiri untuk ngembaliin semuanya jadi kaya dulu. Udah, kewajiban lo cuma sampe disitu, terima dong. Dia maunya lo sampe situ aja. Mikirin hati sama badan lo juga, kasian kan, mereka udah kesakitan menuhin keinginan lo untuk sedih, marah dan kecewa. Pikirin diri sendiri juga, jangan terlalu banyak memberikan kebahagiaan sama orang lain kalo lo sendiri juga nggak yakin mereka akan memberikan hal yang sama. Kalo ikhlas nggak peduli timbal balik, ya, lakuin aja, asal jangan nyesel.

Inilah apa yang sedang gue lakuin sekarang. Melihat sesuatu tidak hanya dari satu pasang mata, tapi lebih dari tiga pasang mata. Banyak sisi yang harus lo pelajari. That's life, you live to learn, to conquer, to understand. Contoh, kata-kata "Sebelom lo sayang sama orang, sayangin diri lo sendiri dulu". Pasti orang-orang mikir kalo artinya tetep prioritasin diri lo sendiri dulu ketimbang orang lain. Kalo belom bisa sayang sama diri sendiri, berarti lo belom bisa sayang sama orang lain. Menurut gue, itu nggak sepenuhnya bener. Kalo lo memprioritaskan diri lo sendiri, kemungkinan besar lo nggak akan mikirin orang lain karena lo sedang mengegoiskan diri lo sendiri untuk bahagianya lo. Menurut gue, "Belajar sayang sama orang itu kaya belajar sayang sama diri sendiri" udah paling bener. Lo bisa mengimbangi kebutuhan orang lain dengan kebutuhan lo. Lo bisa membagi kebutuhan lo dengan orang lain, lo bisa membagi waktu untuk lo dan orang lain. Diri lo sendiri tetep jadi prioritas utama, tapi jangan pernah ngegampangin orang lain yang jadi prioritas kedua. Emang sih, nature tiap manusia, seseorang akan lebih mendului orang lain dibanding dirinya sendiri. Gampangnya, liat dari sisi effort aja. Menguntungkan apa nggak? Kalo nggak, diimbangin aja, jadi nggak terlalu berat. Kalo lo beneran sayang sama seseorang, pay attention to every single detail dan peduli sama detailnya, sekecil apapun itu. Apa yang dia butuhin, kasih pendapat ke dia akan sesuatu yang dia bicarain, paham akan sifatnya, dan yang paling penting, terima apa adanya dia. Lo milih dia juga pasti ada pertimbangan, kan? Terima dong.

Kalo ada yang nanya sama gue, "Emang lo bisa nerima apa adanya dia?", kenapa nggak bisa? Gue udah milih dia dari awal, seperti apa dia nanti, itu resiko gue. Gue nggak ngegampangin perasaan orang, karena gue udah pernah ngerasain gimana rasanya perasaan gue digampangin orang. Gue sebenernya nggak punya tipe cowo, even gue sering bilang gue pengen punya cowo yang lebih laki daripada gue. Ha ha ha. Biar gue nurut, biar gue bisa keluarin sisi keibuan gue ahsedap. Tapi kalo kepatok tipe terus, ya nggak bakalan nemu, nggak bakalan belajar juga untuk nerima kekurangan orang lain. Menjadikan kekurangan orang yang gue sayang sebagai kelebihannya itu adalah salah satu fungsi gue sebagai pendamping. Dan jangan berekspektasi kalo dia bakal begini dan begitu. Expectation kills, mate. Kalo dia nggak ketemu sama ekspektasi lo, mending nggak usah dijadiin sekalian dari awal. Tapi untuk orang yang bener-bener sayang, mereka akan cari jalan keluar bareng-bareng gimana caranya supaya lo bisa memenuhi ekspektasi mereka dan bantu satu sama lain supaya bisa ketemu sama ekspektasinya. Daripada nunggu inisiatif orang, daripada capek sendiri mending diobrolin langsung, iya nggak? Sama-sama menghargai aja. Pertanyaannya sebenernya, orang itu bisa nggak terima gue apa adanya? Gue keras, gue suka ngomong kasar, kelakuan gue kaya cowo dan kalo orangtua gue nggak melarang gue buat ngelakuin sesuatu, orang itu nggak bisa ngelarang gue. Gue kerja di media, keluar malem dan pulang pagi. Tapi gue suka dimanjain ha ha ha ler. Bisa nggak? Dan cara gue sayang sama orang, beda dari orang kebanyakan.

Temen gue pernah bilang, kalo gue bukan orang yang mudah give up akan sesuatu. Gue akan usaha dan kejar terus sampe dapet. Jadi, kalo gue udah give up akan sesuatu dan berhenti kejar? Bukannya gue males, bukannya gue nggak mau usaha, tapi gue banyak pertimbangan apakah yang gue lakuin bener apa nggak. Kalo gue mengusahakan seseorang tapi orangnya juga nggak ada usaha buat gue, ngapain gue usaha? Gue nggak mau ribet. Mending gue ngusahain kebahagiaan gue dulu, baru deh abis itu gue share sama orang yang gue sayang. Gue yang sekarang susah banget sayang dan percaya sama orang. Pengalaman gue yang menjadikan gue kaya gitu. Jadi, gue nggak mau ribet pake sedih-sedih dan kecewa yang mendalam, it slows me down. Gue nggak main-main sama perasaan, karena bakal ribet. Daripada drop, mending prioritasin yang lain yang lebih penting dan ngejalanin hal-hal diatas. Gue nggak mau bikin diri gue sendiri ribet, cukup 3-4 hari aja, sisanya? Ketawa nggak jelas sama temen-temen.

Mantan pacar gue pernah debat sama gue, dia bilang statement "Men are all about logics and women are all about feelings" itu salah banget. Cowo juga pake perasaan dan cewe juga pake logika. Gue benerin sedikit, itu bener, tapi nggak semua cowo dan cewe kaya gitu. Cowo jauh lebih menggunakan logika dan cewe jauh lebih menggunakan perasaan, ini berdasarkan pengalaman gue. Cowo akan menggunakan perasaan ketika si cewe sudah menggunakan logikanya, and it happens in the end. Dan gue adalah cewe yang berusaha menyeimbangkan logika dan perasaan dalam satu waktu.

Nah, kalo lo, gimana?

My Queen.

I miss her.

So much.

I want her back,

But I know death did us apart.

The way she calls my name,

The way she smiles,

The way she looks at her grandchildren,

How I miss her so much.

I remember the day when she lied down in the dialysis room.

She smiled when I walked in.

We shared stories, laughters and love.

Eventhough her body was too weak to move.

I remember the day when she passed away though I don't want to remember.

She looked healthy, she smiled.

That was the scariest moment in life,

Because losing her was one of my biggest fears.

I remember the last day when I went to her final resting place.

It was quiet, too quiet.

But I cried too loud.

I lost you and you will not return.

Hey beautiful,

I believe that you're happy right now.

An angel like you deserves a good place out there.

Don't worry, because one day, we're all will follow you there.

Permission To Be Dismissed, Sir.

Sir,

With all due respect,

I hate for what you did to her.

But I cannot do anything except cry.

I swear it hurt so much,

When I saw the picture of you and your new family,

Hanged on the wall.

That one fucked me deep.

We took a family picture three times.

It was beautiful, we were together.

We shared happines and laughters back then.

But now, after she passed away, it changes.

You were there when I was born.

You waited, with her.

I've been growing up with you.

I've been sharing my 20 years with you.

I swear it hurt so much,

When I knew that you've been lying to me for 20 years.

You lied to her, for the rest of her life.

How could you did that to the ones you love?

Do you know,

When I went home after visited you,

I cried for hours, you made me.

You're not belong to me anymore.

She doesn't deserve her place.

She doesn't deserve your heart.

I am sorry if I don't respect her.

She is not one of our family.

I won't love her like I love my Grandmother.

She is not my fucking Grandmother.

She is nobody.

SHE IS NOT HER.

I Love You, Not Your Expectation.

I am fully awake now,

And I am fully understand,

That you're not good enough to stand by my side.

You are not that person I've been looking for.

Don't worry,

I'll be walking after you.

As a friend,

Or as a stranger.

You're just a bastard who came into my life,

Left me nothing even words,

Left me so much disappointments,

After I gave you my time and carried you inside.

My question is,

Why did you make someone fell in love with you,

Though you knew that you won't give yourself in,

Though you knew that you can't do it?

Why didn't you pay attention to every details,

To every single thing you've done to her?

Why did you make her feel special,

Though you knew that she doesn't deserve it?

How could you that?

Is it easy for you to do?

How dare you?

You're destroying her.

I don't know you.

I should've known you more back then.

So I could prepare for the worst.

Because I won't let my heart falls like that anymore.

I know that you are someone who's easy to say so many things.

But do you know something,

That sometimes, you words are a very deadly weapon,

That could shoot you down and destroy you?

Do you ever think about the people around you?

Do you care?

Do you treat them with love and respect?

Do you ever think that not every single one of them could handle you like you always want?

Do you know that sometimes they're tired,

With your stone-headed head,

With your 'I don't fucking care' words you threw?

Believe me, they are.

I don't mean to bring you down,

But I've seen it before.

Please, love the people who have been taking care of you until now.

Please, pay attention for what they have been doing even just a little.

No, I am not judging you.

I saw the good in you once,

Please, spread it out.

Make your heart and your brain work together.

My dearest,

To love someone is to respect all the things that someone has.

If that person doesn't have the initiative to do something that you want,

All you need to do is ask, and say it.

My dearest,

Don't ever play with someone else's heart.

Don't ever play with fire,

Because you can't even handle the heat.

My dearest,

If that someone doesn't meet with your expectations,

Say it, out loud.

Every person has their own way to make happiness and you have to understand their capacity.

If they cannot meet with yours,

If they cannot satisfy your wants and your needs,

Make it meets, make it works because you'll find away somehow.

Do you ever realize that maybe, they feel the same like you do?

I won't say you're wrong.

Every person has their own way to reach their own happiness.

Do what you do.

But please, think about the others.

To love you is by sending you lots of prayer.

My prayer goes to you, love.

I hope you'll find what you've been looking for.

I hope your heart, your eyes and your mind will show you something.

I know that you left me with no regret.

Yes, maybe some things are better left unsaid.

Now, look at me, say it out loud,

That I am the one you want to lose.

I Don't Belong Here, I Got To Move On, Dear.

Hello,

First of all, I would like to say thanks to you,

For giving me a silent treatment,

So I could remember things I've forgotten.

I remember now,

That you want to put yourself first,

And that's your priority.

You want to recover first.

The memory of you is getting clearer now.

You said you want to love yourself first before you love somebody else.

You threw a bunch of shits to your family,

And you realized that you have to make things right.

You want to heal yourself.

You want to let go off your past.

I thought you made it.

Now I know that I am totally wrong about it.

I am so sorry for interrupting you and your life.

I am so sorry, maybe I've been ruining all of your efforts to recover yourself.

Why the fuck I care so much?

I am so sorry, I didn't mean to give a shit back then.

I know you are someone who doesn't like to make things difficult.

I believe you can handle things on your own.

I believe that you can stand alone.

Do it, I won't chase and disturb you.

For me, it's like walking into someone's dream.

I saw you and now I don't know where you are, what you're doing.

I can't be right and arrived too early,

Then you realized that this is going too far.

Your silent treatment is a very good sign for me.

You gave me your hand and I realized you just want to say goodbye.

I do understand you have to leave and carry on with your life.

Because you got nothing against me and you want to be that person you've always wanted to be.

I won't take you back inside.

I won't let you in.

Even if the time is right,

I will let you go.

To Those Who Still Care Although They Have Been Hurt Before.

Do you know what makes you sad?

When you meet someone who means a lot to you,

Only to find out that in the end that it was never meant to be,

and you just have to let go.

Do you know what makes you feel bad?

When you meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one,

So that when we finally meet the right person,

We will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Do you know what is more painful,

When you love someone,

And never find the courage to let that person know how you feel,

And then regret it.

It is true,

When your heart closes, another opens.

But sometimes, we look so long at the closed door,

And we didn't see the one which has been opened for us.

It is true,

That we don't know what we have until we lose it.

But it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing,

Until it arrives.

One of the biggest fears in our lives?

When you love someone,

But that person doesn't love you back.

Feels like drowning, isn't it?

There are moments in your life when you miss someone so much,

That you just want to hold that person like there is no tomorrow,

That you just want to say, "Don't ever leave me" more than twice,

That you just want to look at that person everyday and every time.

Never say goodbye if you still want to try.

Never give up on that person if you still feel you can go on.

Never say you don't love that person anymore if you cannot let go.

Only if that person can appreciate the importance of someone who has touched his life.