On the Wing, On the Run.

In life,

We have secrets,

Things we regret,

Dreams we can't reach,

And a love that we will never forget.

Our lives are normal.

We are only human.

We made happiness,

We made mistakes.

I never said that you were my mistake.

You came for a reason,

I let you in for a reason,

It was normal.

And came the day you went away.

Until today,

Still I don't know why you left.

You haven't told me the reason why you went away.

It doesn't matter anymore.

I won't ask.

I will never look back at you.

Unless, I am planning to go that way.

Don't wake me up.

Let me dream.

So I won't weep when I return to my bitter reality,

Missing you, like I always wanted to.

I have loved and been loved.

And I know,

All I love is love,

And someone I love is going to be taken away.

I wanted to tell you everything.

Maybe, we could have lived differently.

Maybe, I could have loved you more.

Maybe, I could be there with you now instead of here.

If only I could said,

"I am so afraid of losing someone I love that I refuse to love anything",

Maybe, that would have made the impossible possible.

But I couldn't do it, and here I am, instead of there.

Or maybe,

You are a person who can never stay,

Who can never accept my offer of companionship for more than a little while,

A person, who loves to walk away.

You could go forward in your life without ever looking back over your shoulder,

And wondering what might have been.

Now, go.

And let me go.

I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

Until There Was You.

I'm sorry.

I should have kept you closer.

I should have watched you nicer.

I should have loved you better.

You're still the one that I adore.

And I guess I will always adore you that way.

The one and the only,

The way you are.

Your paths are straight.

You don't live in our dreams anymore.

What is ours is not ours anymore.

And now my heart is open to love and regret.

I'm reminiscing the moment we made.

What I'm wishing right now is to have nother figure to hold,

Someone who loves to talk, another similar figure like you.

Yes, someone who doesn't exist.

Outside in the morning air,

You've known the times that you've lived and died.

You heard the soundtrack of your future.

You ran to it and left me behind.

You didn't include me there in your future.

It's okay now,

It doesn't matter anymore.

It's good for you though.

I am not good enough.

We're different but that's not a big deal for me.

Well maybe, for you.

Fuck this shit.

Once again,

I am sorry that I came.

I ruined your life.

It won't happen again.

"Because all of me loves all of you and all your perfect imperfections"

Under the Starry Sky of Her Imagination, She Dances of A Journey.

Dear you,

Who lives so far away,

I miss you now more than ever.

I miss you like hell.

Have you ever wondered what it could be like,

Back in the day when I was too selfish, 

You were after nothing I could give,

And we're not always what we promised to be.

Have you ever wondered what it could be like, 

Back in the day when you tried to reach me,

There's nothing there,

And we are better off this way.

Maybe,

I should have held you tighter,

I should have treated you better,

I should have loved you from a distance.

I loved you,

More than anyone else could ever know.

But you left,

And I've never been one to beg you to not to.

And now, there's nothing left for me to do.

I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away.

I miss your voice, that laughter,

I loved you and could that be enough?

And now there's silence,

It's been too long since I've heard from you.

And now I realize, 

That my heart still belongs to you.

Have a great life out there in Borneo.

Follow your heart,

And yes, you have to sacrifice someone for it.

Now, let me close this book.

I love you.

Wherever you are,

Remember, there's still a space in my heart that will always belong to you.

I miss you, more than you'll ever know.

Life.

"Jangan cintai gue apa adanya. Jangan pernah lo lakuin itu sama gue. Gue bukan orang yang dibuat buat dicintain seenaknya. Gue bukan orang yang mudah untuk dicintain. Gue bukan orang yang mudah jatuh cinta. Hati gue pelit dan hal ini beda jauh dengan lo nerima apa adanya gue. Lihat jauh ke depan, lihat gue, lihat diri lo, lihat kita. Apa yang lo liat? Kalo bukan karena cinta, kita nggak akan ada di masa depan. Kita nggak akan bersatu dan tetap utuh sampe akhir. Lahirin sesuatu yang bisa buat gue keluar air mata, walaupun hal itu cuma terjadi sekali dalam seumur hidup. Buat bahagia, buat akhir dari cerita untuk ke jenjang berikutnya."

-Alexandria, Paris.

In Loving Memory.

Under the open sky I'm wondering,

Why do we love?

Why do we accept?

Why do we let go?

Under a big circumstance I'm thinking,

Why do we come?

Why do we choose?

Why are we breathing right now?

Under a great despair I'm humming my favorite song,

This heart, is tired.

This heart, fucks enough.

This heart wants to go far far away.

In the sea of voices, I'm losing my voice.

I've been breathing in the wrong air.

I've been searching for hope that never exist.

I've been waiting for something that will curse my life for years.

You are not my man.

You are nothing but the pain that lives.

You won't catch me when I fall.

You won't be there, you won't be here.

Disclosure.

I don't mean to say that you guys are all the same,

But why do you have to hide your woman,

Instead of showing her to public?

She's worth to show.

And why do you guys are really hard to read?

What actually you guys really want?

I know that men and women are different,

And it gives me a big question inside my head.

I was there,

I lived in that condition once.

I hurt.

It wasn't lovely.

Can you imagine,

When you love someone,

And that person loves you back,

But that person won't show you to public?

It hurts.

I swear.

Did I do something wrong?

Does he really love me?

For me,

I guess it's not that hard to love someone.

Maybe because I'm easy to love,

Or maybe because I take things easily.

When I love someone,

I won't lie that I have someone.

I will say, I will show.

Because I'm grateful to have someone to love.

Please, be grateful.

Loving someone is one of the best things in the world.

Respect her, respect him.

Or you will regret.

"You will never know what you have until you lose it".

I do not agree with that.

"You always know what you have, but you just never think you will lose it someday",

Is the right words.

I Am Only Human.

Do you know that I am saving the best for last?

Do you know that I've been saving you for it?

Do you know that I've been loving you for years?

Do you know that I've been regretting the moment I went away from you?

Don't forget to write me a letter,

A letter of disappointment,

About what we have been through,

About what we have shared.

I am ready to lose you now.

I am ready to accept that you were made to someone else.

But I am not ready to hold your hand for the last time,

I am not ready for your deadly mouth.

This is the last song I made for you,

The last elegy, the most breathtaking moment,

The most painful condition,

The most devastating part,

I will erase you from my memory.

Heart Is King.

I don't miss that life.

Yes, I don't miss my life before I met Axel.

I am the happiest woman in the world.

And the luckiest.

I never asked for a better person.

I never asked for a better life than this before.

I never cried so hard like this before.

I never felt this way about love.

Two years ago, Axel asked me a question.

"Picture us two years from now. Can you see anything?".

Memories, laughter, and love,

Those aren't just memories on the wall.

Time goes by and I stand still,

We have each other,

We are so in love,

And yes, we're lovestung.

Everything's perfect now,

Since the day Axel carried our son in his arms and smiled.

We named him Elton,

And now Elton is two months old.

Elton's cries is our happiness.

Elton's smile is our life.

Elton's laugh is our life.

Elton, is ours.

Axel,

Thank you for letting me in.

I love you, I love Elton.

Thank you for everything.

Center of the Universe.

It was almost 7 PM,

Axel will be here beside me in no time.

Breathed in, breathed out,

I swore I cannot wait any longer.

I've been waiting for two weeks.

Axel will be happy to hear my confession.

He will lose his mind.

We will be a happy couple.

Then Axel showed up.

I ran to him and hugged him like crazy.

He hugged me so tight I can't breathe.

Yes, I really missed my man so much.

We sat on our bed.

Axel brought me so many things.

Lots of Chanel and Dior stuffs,

But Axel himself is the best.

Axel has just took a shower,

When I told him that I got something to tell.

Axel stood beside me.

Then we were standing in front of each other.

I smiled very wide,

Axel looked confuse.

Then I whispered a little in his ear,

That he's going to be a father.

His blue eyes showed me his feeling.

He screamed, he jumped.

He kissed me like crazy.

"I am going to be a father!", he said.

He almost cried.

He looked very happy.

He hugged me so tight.

Yes, we were in the center of the universe that moment.

Axel and I had a conversation for almost three hours.

We were talking about pregnancy and how much he loves me from the start until today.

Stroking my belly so fondly is his new hobby now.

And I loved his last words before we went off to bed.

"Thank you for being a great wife. You're a super woman. You're going to be a mother, and I'm really proud of you. Thank you for being a patient woman. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for giving colors in my life. Thank you for the "Yes, I will marry you", thank you for loving me back. You deserve me, all of me. Thank you, for the love you've been giving me, Mrs. Hedfors".

I Got Nothing But Love For You.

It's been three weeks,

And yes, I haven't seen Axel for a long time.

I want to hold his hands and sleep in her arms.

I want him beside me right now.

I am the most annoying woman in the world for Axel right now.

I keep asking him, "When will you come home?" again and again.

"Soon", Axel always replies me the same answer every time I ask.

Yet sometimes I want another answer, more than that.

I haven't told Axel about my situation lately.

I lost my appetite for the last few weeks.

I didn't grab my breakfast ever since.

I don't feel like eating.

My assistant forced me to eat my breakfast this morning.

And yes, it ended really bad.

I threw up.

I want my Axel here right now.

Axel sent me his photo with Sebastien this morning after I threw up.

He looked good, no, he always looks good.

He has been working really hard for us.

Yes, I am a proud wife.

But it hurts.

It hurts to see yourself in the mirror.

It hurts to wake up every morning without someone you really love.

It hurts to be separated by the time and the distance.

Axel always called when he finished his work.

"The show was great, 10.000 people came to watched", he said.

I am glad, I am happy.

But to be happy, is not easy.

He called me 2 hours ago,

He told me that he was on his way to airport,

He will go to Sydney, Australia then he will go to Adelaide.

And the drama started.

I began to cry when he said that he'll be home in two weeks.

I told him that I want him now, I want to be in his arms right now.

Axel paused quite a while, and said,

"Don't make me want to quit my job because I've been missing you so much since the day I left you at the airport".

Axel calmed me down.

He always knows how to do it.

Those words means a lot to me.

And he said,

"Do you know the feeling when you wake up and your wife isn't there? It kills me. I did, I had fun with my friends, had fun with the crowd, I ate lots of delicious food, I drank a lot and I drunk, I felt this awesome vibe when I was going to start something or when I was working for the last minute edit for my setlist. I've been working for some remixes and a new song, I told you a few days ago. But when it comes to you, every time I see your photo in my phone, every time you text me that you love me so much and you miss me, all I want to do is pack my things, then take the fastest plane, and go home for you".

We were talking for almost an hour,

When he said that he had just arrived at the airport.

Yes, we had to ended this conversation.

Axel paused for ten seconds and said,

"I'll be home very soon, my dear. I know it's hard for you to accept this, but I know that you will understand. This is not just about my career, but it's about us and our future. You are a very tough girl, and no one in this world could replace your place in my life. You were there in my bad times, you pulled me out from there. You deserve to be with me in my good times, and I will pull you out from this condition. Keep up with me until the end because we deserve to be happy. Keep on loving me, because I will keep on loving you for being a wonderful wife".

I cried harder than before.

I knew that he was tired because he only slept for two hours,

But he convinced me to not to give up on him, on us.

We can do it, we will survive.

"Nothing but love for you, dear", said Axel before we ended the call.

I miss my Axel now more than ever.

And suddenly, my assistant opens my bedroom door and walks in.

She forces me to see the doctor as soon as possible, the ob/gyn ones.

Leave the World Behind.

I was sitting on my bed,

When Axel came and told me,

That he had to go.

He had to go far away from this house.

Axel was sitting on the sofa in the living room,

When I came and told him,

That I never wanted this world.

I never wanted this condition.

Axel told me a bunch of things.

About life and about us.

We went down on a big road before this,

And we made it.

That's the reason why we are here now.

Together but not together,

Through the good times and the bad,

Our rights and our wrongs made us to be here.

I was talking to my friend through the phone overseas,

When Axel packed his things and asked me where his favorite t-shirt.

I ended the call and told him,

That I put his favorite t-shirt under my pillow.

Axel was talking to someone through his cellphone,

When I came to him to asked him about something.

He ended the call and said,

"You can keep my t-shirt while I'm away from you".

I was putting my mascara,

When Axel called my name and asked, "Ready?"

And I said, "Yes, I'm ready",

Though my heart broke in two.

The airport looked so busy that night.

It was sucks to see so many people walked around us.

I saw a girl kissed her mother's cheek before she went away.

I saw a guy kissed her girlfriend's forehead before he went away.

Axel was texting through his cellphone with someone,

When I was about to held his hand.

He stopped and put his cellphone in his pocket.

Then he held my hand like he already knew what I really wanted that moment.

I was looking at this cute little girl who was talking to her mother,

When Axel suddenly held my hand tighter than before,

He looked at me and said,

"This is it. Time to go".

I cried.

Axel kissed every inches of my face and hugged me around 2 minutes.

"Wait for me, because I will be back home only for you", he said.

I hugged Axel so tight like I never wanted to let him go, he kissed me for the last time,

He took his suitcase, smiled, and left.

One day, Axel and I will leave this world behind.

We'll be on vacation every weekend,

We''ll grow old together,

And as a wife, I have to be patient.

And Oliver Asks Me To Love Someone New.

You're just a song I've made from a distance.

You're just a shadow behind the door.

We turned out to be a simple story,

But it changed after you made it a little longer.

We walked hand in hand through the woods.

Four little birds gave us a short intro to remember,

How we fell into a hole,

How we cried when we saw each other eyes.

I let you hurt me more than twice.

You felt a good vibe when you did that.

You saw me, you saw my eyes.

You pushed me to cry harder.

And the rain fell down so hard.

Lights went out,

The moon hid behind the black clouds.

We didn't kiss, we ran away from there.

With no direction, we ran like crazy.

Something chased us, but it was our shadows.

It was your words and your face.

It was you all along.

Another place, another chapter.

We arrived and we saw nothing.

Too late to notice,

Too late to go back in time.

And now we are standing in the light,

We are standing next to our future,

You will walk away without me.

You will not look back for what we have done.

I am just a mess beside you.

I can't pretend that I am okay,

And you can't pretend that you want me like I want you.

We are not belong to each other.

I dreamed about us,

Where we slept on the same bed,

And when I woke up, you were still dreaming.

Dreaming me to let you go.

Hey Oliver,

I will keep your favorite instrument.

You can keep my favorite flower,

We can keep our memories inside a box.

Oliver,

Go after her.

I will go after him.

We will not remember what we've been through.

When Oliver Says Hi.

How can I didn't realize about this,

That you've been there for me?

That you've been standing and waiting,

For me, the one you've been loving for months?

"I've been losing you for months", you said.

"And now I want you back",

"I want you to stand up beside me one more time",

"I want us".

You're just my another memory.

My heart is yours to break,

Yours to play, yours to love.

I am not that kind of woman.

I am not falling in love with you anymore.

You're just using me to overcome and cover your fear,

To erase the pain that haunts you,

To calm down yourself when your friends are not around.

I blame myself to love you from a distance.

You blame yourself to left me behind.

This is not just a story,

It's a tragedy, a heartless tragedy.

You ran to me once.

I didn't let go off your hands.

But you let my heart went down the drain.

I lost you the day you won the prize out of me.

Hey Oliver,

If you're here just to make things worst,

The front door is wide open for you to go.

Only for you, for making my heart breaks in two.

He Lost You At Hello.

Relax, I am not going to kiss you.

He's going to be so sorry that he lost you.

Forget the past, forget the pain.

And remember what an incredible woman you are.

He will realize what he lost.

You'll be happy.

It wasn't because you've never been asked about it,

But you never said, "Yes".

He stole your life with his bullshits.

And now he would like to have a moment with you?

Do you know that the hardest thing is having the courage to let him love you back?

He would rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.

At the end of the day,

If he still would rather give up than try,

Nothing is ever going to be worth it.

Whatever makes you happy, I bet he won't stand in your way.

He will have the thought of leaving you forever.

He will have no choice about it.

Your dreams will be moving behind your restless eyelids.

You will leave it all behind.

He will be wishing he could see right through your head and see the world the way you do.

He will be wishing he could know what you've been thinking.

He will be wishing he could see himself the way you do.

He wouldn't stand that because he thinks you belong to him.

He would think that you could do anything you wanted with him.

He would let you do you things.

He would break himself, he would try to make you happy.

His mind wouldn't want to know the difference between wanting what he can't have and wanting what he shouldn't want.

He would have never seen anything more beautiful than you.

He would think of the life both of you could have had if things were different.

You can pretend you want to join him and he will believe you, only if you could.

Until that last moment where you will end it all, one way or another.

As long as you can still dream,

He will dream of you.

You are a precious woman, everybody wants you.

And yes, he already lost you at hello.

Painting Pain.

You are my sweetest downfall.

The sweetest, the hardest,

The illness, the careless,

The manliest? No, you're not.

I didn't beg for more.

I didn't beg you to love me back.

I didn't touch you.

I didn't look after you.

I'm a thief.

Stealing some of your body parts,

It's contagious.

It hurts me deep.

Someone said,

When I least expect someone,

That person will come to find me.

It's useless.

Season changes,

Raindrops and teardrops look the same,

Wet coat and daffodils,

We never stayed the same.

I have some many wishes here inside my chest.

I wish I could stop you.

I wish I could make a bigger shield,

I wish you could turn to me and won't look back.

Hazel eyes and cigarettes,

You come in red, I can't tolerate.

White owls and a barking dog,

I convinced myself that I won't have you back.

Foxtrot.

Another day, another game,

I loved you first, this is the end,

You said no and I said yes,

We fell to a world we never touched before.

Why are you so hard to read?

Why can't we have another chance to live,

And start everything like I never knew you?

Yes, I won't touch you.

I really want to travel back in time if I could.

I wouldn't say hi, nor look at you on the first day we met.

I wouldn't listen to your stories,

I wouldn't event waste my time with you.

The night sky took  a picture of us last night.

It wasn't for us, but it's to prove us,

That we were wrong.

Always wrong.

I see what I see,

You see what you see,

It's done.

It's clear enough.

Year of Lights: Εὐφήμη.

It's kind of weird,

When I saw nothing on my bed except my things and myself.

I just had a great days with you.

And now I really know what I am missing.

We all know that,

There is no greater feeling than being with someone who wants you as much as you want them.

To love and to be loved in return,

Knowing that person will always there for you and the thought of losing each other brings you closer together.

I might be someone you knew in another life.

Someone who has been breaking your heart for years,

Someone who has been growing the fear inside you.

Label me, I'm okay with that.

I am not good enough for you.

You deserve someone else.

I can't make you happy.

I hurt you more than twice a day.

I can feel it,

When you talked about this man who broke my heart.

You convinced me that he'll comeback.

You said you were okay with that, but you lied.

You don't want me to spend my life with this man.

If he broke my heart once, he'll break another part of me.

Why did you have to lie?

I don't like that.

And why you didn't mad,

When I was talking about him in front of you?

Why did you listen?

How dare I did that to you.

Honestly,

The last three days we had spent are perfect to start our December.

December will stay the same,

Nothing ever changed but me.

You are the one I've been looking for, Ray.

I can't promise you anything,

But one day, when I turn 25,

My answer will be ready for you to hear.