Why?

Those days are gone.

I wish I could rewind.

I wish I could make things better.

I wish I were there.

And now, my brothers are all gone.

I miss their laughter,

I miss their smiles.

Why did you guys do this to me?

I remember when I locked up myself in your room,

Because your little brother rambled aimlessly.

And you knocked the door and told me that it was you.

I opened the door and you brought me a double cheeseburger with fries.

Another story, when we were on the road together.

I was hungry and I couldn't take it.

Then you stopped at McDonald's and told me that I can have everything I want.

So we bought a lot of food, like, lot of fries, burgers, and five ice creams.

Memories, it hurts.

I love you, so much.

But death did us apart.

And now I'm walking alone. 

God, why did you take them away from me?

What Are You Thinking? How Are You Feeling? What Have We Done To Each Other? What Will We Do?

Dear Mr. Gregory,

If you keep asking, "What's going on?",

I suggest you to shut up.

You already knew what's going on,

But you didn't ask.

Second, if you keep asking, "What's wrong with you?",

You are one of my problems.

And yes, you already knew what's wrong with me.

You suck at that.

Third, if you keep asking, "What happened?",

Fuck you.

It's too late to ask.

Where the hell were you?

Fourth, if you ask, "So, what is the point of me in your life?",

Fuck you and your brain.

You only do what you want to do.

And the point is, you don't even pay attention.

Fifth, if you say, "I tried my best but what I did is always wrong in your eyes",

Did we ever discuss about what we did to another?

Did it suit us well?

You just stood there and watched.

Sixth, if you say, "I'm sorry about what happened. I love you",

Fuck with it.

You let me down,

And maybe I don't believe in 'L' word right now.

Seventh, if you ask, "Now, what do you want?"

I want to have a deep sleep.

If you think you can handle my and still want to go for it,

Go ahead, suit yourself.

Eighth, if you ask, "What if I can't?"

Well, I guess it's a perfect time for you to leave.

I don't need someone who cannot understand my feeling.

I don't need a Prince Charming, but I need a knight.

Ninth, if you ask, "What do you want most?",

I want you to look into my eyes deeply,

And tell me what do you see.

Save me.

Last, if you ask, "Do you love me?"

I love you and it's more than 'I love you'.

But, can we come together equally?

It depends on you.

They Want Me Dead.

I'm tired.

Literally tired.

I keep getting a lot of pressure,

And no one could help.

Everyday,

I woke up at 7 AM,

Go to work,

And sometimes, I ended up in the next morning.

I work really hard.

I've been handling another things at work too.

And it's fucking ridiculous.

This place is hell.

I've been facing a lot of things too at home.

One loves to yell, other is unreliable.

I can't even have a proper rest here.

This place is a mess.

I can't handle the pressure.

They just fuck me right on my face.

No one could help.

Or maybe, no one cares.

Oh, and my loved one doesn't understand, I guess.

He didn't pay attention.

He didn't ask what's going on.

Back to his nature, well, he's that kind of person.

And another pressure is checking in.

They say I should go on to the next level.

Yes, marriage.

Yes, fuck with that.

Back in the days,

I really want to get married when I was twenty something.

But now, maybe it's just a joke.

How can you get married if your loved one has no interest in it and feel rush about it?

I'm tired.

This place is hell.

My life is a mess.

And my loved ones don't understand.

I need to go on by myself.

I won't ask them to understand or feel the pressure inside me.

But I want them to see,

What kind of animal I have become if I give up.

I don't need help.

I don't need your arms.

I don't need your tears.

All I need is life, and air to breathe.

Leader of The Pack.

Hit me.

Bring me down.

Push me.

Slap my face.

Hurt my heart.

Stab my eyes.

Slit my throat.

Break my leg.

I won't give up.

Do me.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Son of Dís, Lasto Beth Nîn, Tolo Dan Nan Galad.

From the first time I saw him,

Something was stuck here in my mind.

He's different,

So different.

He wasn't like the others.

He protects,

He has a beautiful eyes,

And loves to smile.

Until a dagger struck his heart.

I ran to him.

I don't know why,

But I was afraid.

Afraid If he didn't make it back to the light.

I ran faster.

I remember the time when he gazed up at me,

And shared his own memory to me.

He said he promised his mother to come back home.

And I remember when he laid unconscious a few days ago.

Yes, he was so close to death.

Suddenly, he starred at me,

And said, "You cannot be her".

It's like my heart stopped for a moment.

He wasn't truly recognizing the reality around him,

Perhaps he thought that it was just a dream.

But he looked so serious and painful.

"She is far away, far away from me", he said.

"She walks in starlight in another world. It was just a dream".

Then he reached my hand, and asked,

"Do you think she could have loved me?"

I ran as fast as I could.

I cannot lose him, no, I can't.

He could have me,

Nor in here, or in another world.

I reached his hand.

He wasn't breathing.

No, no, no,

For the sake of your mother and the Elves, please, breathe.

Don't go.

He didn't say a word.

His heart stopped beating.

No more great despair.

He went away to the light.

The wind seemed to understand.

It was helping me to convey the sense of loss and longing inside of me.

My eyes hurt.

And my tears fell on his chest.

If this is love, I don't want it.

There is no love in my heart. 

Please, somebody, take it away,

Please.

Why?

Why do I grieve?

Why do I mourn?

Why does it hurt so much?

Because I didn't say the word.

Because I already have.

Because my love for him was genuine.

Because, it was real.

The Lonely Dolphin.

Why the hell the world is so cruel?

I am here to live my life,

To love and to run,

Why the hell am I here in this place?

People come and go,

They brought happiness,

And then leave.

What do you want from me?

I can't breathe.

I can't run.

This room is too small.

How dare you do this to me?

If only I was born as perfect as you,

I would give myself a proper place to live.

I would travel around the world,

I would die in peace.

Let the sea welcomes me with open hands.

Let me swim through the waves.

Let me chase what I want to chase.

Let me go.

Please, hear me.

I don't belong here.

I don't belong to you.

Let me feel alive.

Wave After Wave.

It has been raining since Monday,

And I am lying down on my bed,

Alone,

And daydreaming.

I'm translating you into a musical form.

Yes, because you're my own personal music library.

It's like you're singing from a distance.

Whispering something, about someone.

Dear God,

Let me breathe him for a long time.

He's easy to love,

Because he's loveable.

Maybe he'll never know,

Because I never showed.

And maybe I'll never know,

Because he never showed.

I want to feel my heart against yours now.

I want to sing you a lullaby,

I want to cook something for your breakfast,

I want a miracle.

Now, come here.

Put your ear on my chest,

Listen, and tell me,

That we are through.

Another Rainy Day.

"I'm not asking you to open your heart for me or tell me everything about your life, but we walk this together through the good and the bad and I don't want to know you only from the outside. I want to know you from the inside, yes, I need to know. Don't ask me how to open your heart or what should you say, but your heart has to speak up. You said you really want to say everything to me, but if you keep asking how, you'll never know how. You're the only one who knows yourself, in and out. I believe that someday, you'll tell me everything until your throat bleeds and so does my ears. I believe you will show your true colors, even I already know it. I believe we could live happily ever after."

-Aarjun, Venice, 2014.

Concrete Angel.

Another day,

Another concrete wall to make.

It's not about my reputation,

But it's all about the aching heart.

The feelings that hurt,

The emotions that stings,

The longing for impossible things,

The desire and the world’s existence,

Not everything's perfect,

Especially in the beginning.

I ran out in the woods,

And I began to cry.

Those regrets become part of who I am,

Along with everything else.

I've been spending my time trying to change that,

But it's like swimming in the flood.

There are no reasons about what happened back then.

It happened like that, period.

I've been given a second chance to start my life over,

And I threw that opportunity away.

At least I tried.

I tried to be honest with myself.

I tried to stay calm,

Yet it was pointless.

If only I could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage I made,

If only I could carry my scars with me,

If only I could trade all those memories for a brand new life,

God, I think too much.

Suddenly,

I found myself remembering how on one night,

I started from nowhere in search of happiness.

It was good... Really good.

It's 02:34 now.

I won't recall,

I won't close my eyes.

I will let my eyes burn to ashes.

"And We Wept That One So Lovely Should Have A Life So Brief." -William Cullen Bryant.

Wednesday, 29th October 2014 - 03:12 AM.

I can't sleep.

I've been daydreaming since two hours ago,

Until I realized that my subconscious is talking,

About the loss of my loved ones.

It has been three and two years,

That two of my inspirations left me to a place I cannot follow.

No, I'm not mourning for them right now,

It's just, I'm looking back on this moment of my life as such a sweet time of grieving.

My heart was broken back then.

I can't move on, all I did was mourn and cry and be done with it.

But yes, my life was changing.

Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time.

I was like,

I wanted to walk to where you sleeps,

But I shall go on,

Living this life without you two.

Years go by,

And now it's 2014.

If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels.

That you couldn't live for very long without a heart.

When you lose someone you were close to,

You have to paint a new picture of the world and your place in it.

I was wrapped up with the deceased,

So, the more difficult the loss.

No one could ever replace the boy in my life back then.

I'm not saying that the new one has to be like him, no.

But I'm in searching of that kind of figure,

A figure, who protects.

This is my own rhythm of suffering,

A deep hole of ache,

A bitter agony,

From a woman named "Ezekiel".

Welcoming A New Heartbeat.

I was looking outside my window last night,

When this thought came and blurred my vision.

About you, about us, about them,

About everything in front of my life.

I burst in tears.

For a minute, I began regretting what happened in the past.

But should I?

So I stopped.

I am a brave woman, I guess.

I love my past,

I love what had happened in my past,

Because of it, I won't be a woman today.

My old memories will always stay.

I won't erase. Can you?

Memories became lessons,

That I have to learn and understand.

Now I'm welcoming a new heartbeat in me.

I've got some things I need to see,

To learn, to feel, to understand, to hold, and to be grateful,

As a human.

Keep breathing.

Keep holding on.

Keep on walking.

Keep on loving.

Goddess of The Breeze's Letter: Cold Air in the Early Morning.

Dear Gavriélle,

Those eyes describe what my hearts desires,

Of finding home geographically and spiritually,

And all the emotions that come with this, high & low.

Gavriélle,

I can feel the resonance of your voice in the air.

Your restless voice leads me to a wonderfully intimate and rich depth of sound,

And the result? A stunning structure and tone.

My Gavriélle,

Is it appropriate to disarm the beauty inside you?

Your color transforms into a colorful Aurora,

It translates to a beautiful music form.

Gavriélle,

Hear my beating heart,

Swimming in sweet currents of blue,

Reverberating textures,

You are a melody that goes with the flow.

Hold my hands, feel my veins,

You live there in my blood, drowning,

It's like, there’s a sixth sense that you are always around,

Waiting to enter my life though you already did.

Melodies change,

Your brain rapidly picks up speed, 

And the full beauty is uncovered.

You turn yourself towards the light.

You are my home in the light,

Making it impossible to see its source.

Because you are able to live life to the full and harvest an emotional response,

Even though you were composed so long ago.

You are an exploration of my faded memories.

A unique instrumental,

With a certain nostalgia and melancholy,

You are a music to me.

Thank you, for creating this feeling elegantly.

Thank you, for being a man who has a deep emotional attachment with your woman.

Thank you, for being here.

Thank you, for loving.

I fell for you like autumn leaves.

I love you like a perfect set of orchestrated sounds that is almost impossible to recreate,

Ever-fascinating to listen to.

Please, hold this moment now and forever.

You are Gelos, the spirit of laughter,

Because you divine personification of it.

Don't be afraid of my scars,

Because I've been trying to describe the way it feels,

That I finally, I finally found a person like you.

Airwaves.

When you love,

It seems like no one else is around.

All the wrongs inside your head,

You take it all and you make them right.

The pain,

The misery,

You put it behind those walls,

You hide it all.

This heart is so caring.

Like, it always there for you,

To tell you I care,

And show you how life could be.

Can you feel it?

How life takes you by surprise?

It's like, your feeling spreads throughout the room,

It blurs your vision.

You give me a heart to honor.

Together, we let the fear comes and goes.

And together, we feel the heat from our brains.

We move away, to a better place.

This, is an intimate relation of truth.

We will get through it fast,

To enjoy the new youth inside us,

To protect something beautiful.

I love you and I care.

I am proud to stand next to you.

Now, breathe, softly,

We are in the same airwaves.

Earth's Music.

Voices,

Prayers,

Love,

You.

Hearts,

Cries,

Holding hands,

You.

Laughter,

Eyes to eyes,

Kisses,

Those are always come back to you.

You,

Who's sitting over there reading this,

My all,

My muse.

You are a beautiful floating tone,

A warm breath to breathe,

A drifting dream in the air,

A heart full of longing.

Don't ever change.

Keep on loving me like this.

Don't go, don't you dare.

Keep on missing me like there is no tomorrow.

One Day, Three Autumns.

Dear Gianluca,

Do you remember those happy days,

When you took me out of town,

Only to spent more time with me?

I know you were very sleepy.

Do you remember the story I told you,

Inside my car, at the hospital,

I cried and you looked so embarrassed,

I love you.

Do you remember all those times,

Every second we spent together,

You always make me feel like I am the main priority in your life,

The first on your list?

You fit perfectly against my chest.

I really appreciate and adore you without restraints,

And I hope you realize your importance not only to me,

But to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you.

What? Why I adore you?

You have time for me,

That's the most important.

And I hope that will never change.

Do you know,

When I care about someone,

I will always give my time even though I am busy.

And I always care for a very long time.

I will marry you today and everyday.

I will marry you heart, your soul, every inch of your skin, your voice, your heartbeat, your mind, your strenghts and your weaknesses, every little detail in you,

And your eyes, that sleepy gaze from yours,

I will respect you.

"One day, three autumns",

A Chinese idiom that is used when you miss someone so much,

Like one day feels like three years,

And yes, I feel it everyday.

A Ghost With A Beating Heart.

Here I am, sitting on my bed,

My face looks terrible, like I just saw a dead body under my bed.

I've been thinking about something that I shouldn't be thinking about.

A thought, that leads me to a dream.

I saw you.

My favorite boy was there, sitting on the couch.

And I saw myself,

Standing in front of him, crying.

It's like I was trying to convince you about something.

It's like, I was begging, like a child,

I was begging you to not to leave,

But you won't listen and you shook your head.

I know,

That moment will come.

And I don't like that part.

I don't want that part in my story.

What if, one day, you refuse to love anything?

What if, one day, you stop catching me when I fall?

What if, one day, you let me go and you're not regret it?

What if it happens? What should I do?

Do you know,

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest,

From hearing something or seeing something that breaks your heart?

I'm feeling it while I'm writing this down.

There will come a time,

When he stops fighting for you,

When he stops asking where the hell are you,

When he wants to go far away from you,

When he wants to have your throat cut,

When you beg him to not to go but he insists that he has to,

When you say you love him and he doesn't want to love you back,

When he sees you like you're just somebody he used to know,

When he looks at you and feels absolutely nothing.

Please,

Tell me that this is unreal.

Tell me that I was having a bad dream.

Convince me, that you're not going to leave me.

My Love For Gaza.

Dari satu ibu kami berdua menarik nafas,

Membuka lebar kedua mata,

Menyaksikan saudara kami dilahap rasa benci berupa api,

Dan hancur tanpa nama.

Ledakan demi ledakan menyayat keberanian saudara-saudara kami,

Nyawa mereka hanya untuk balas dendam,

Untuk ego yang tidak akan pernah padam,

Untuk lautan tubuh penuh debu dan darah.

Perlukah alasan?

Perlukah pertumpahan darah?

Air mataku untuk Gaza,

Tidak akan pernah mengering.

Biarkan anak-anak kami bernafas dan melihat indahnya perdamaian,

Biarkan para lelaki memimpin keluarganya,

Biarkan para ibu menebar cinta,

Biarkan saudara-saudara kami hidup.

Peluru bukan jawaban untuk memenuhi keinginanmu.

Hentikan sumpah serapahmu,

Dan penuhi langit dengan doa dari agamamu,

Kumohon, jangan leburkan tanah bumiku.

Jangan pernah tutup matamu dengan kebencian.

Cintaku untuk Palestina,

Cintaku untuk Israel,

Saudara-saudaraku, bertahanlah.

Before You Hear The Sound of The Ocean Again With Me.

I can't sleep.

My heart needs something, a medicine,

His arms, his eyes,

That point of feeling blue for him.

I can't find you.

I crawl, I run,

I will chase your shadow to the end,

But it's nowhere to be found.

I am here,

Sitting alone in the darkness,

Missing someone,

Missing an arm.

I will pull you close.

I won't let go.

Minutes feel like hours,

Days feel like years.

It's like you're so far away.

It's like you're standing on the horizon,

But not alone,

And not lonely.

They say when you are missing someone,

That person is probably feeling the same.

But I don't think it's possible for him to miss me,

As much as I'm missing him right now. 

That's how you know you love someone, I guess.

When you can't experience anything,

Without wishing the other person were there to see it too,

It's something special.

It's like, I can't discover you.

It's like, I've been looking for you the entire time.

It's like, I'm not paying enough attention.

It's like, I can't find you in my head.

It's like,

Missing someone and not being able to see the person you miss is the worst feeling ever.

Even when he's right beside you,

You're still missing him anyway.