Sunday, June 13, 2010

Life's But A Walking Shadow, A Poor Player...

Saturday, 12/06/2010

Dear mother,
I want you to know how it feels to be your daughter for almost 15 years.
Dear father,
I want you to know that I’m 18 going on 19.
Dear brother,
I want you to know that I’m so jealous with your life.
Dear grandmother,
I want you to know that I love you and disappoint you.
Dear grandfather.
I want you to know that I love you and you have disappointed me.
Dear bestfriends,
I want you guys, to know, that I love you so much.
Dear lover,
I want you to know that I would give you the best.

It’s not easy. Life is cruel.

I’ve been sitting in front of the monitor for almost 4 hours, listening to Aerosmith – Crazy, The Chemical Brothers – Hold Tight London etc. The weather knows my feelings so well. I’m cold and I need a hug.

Dear God,
I don’t want to grow up. I swear, I don’t want to grow up. I want to stay as a girl, not a woman. I want my childhood back, where I was talking to myself while playing Barbie all day long. Where me and my family used to go to Puncak on the weekend.

I remember when I was a child, my dad recorded me a video when we were in Safari Park. We used to go there every weekend, just to show me animals and teach me how to love them. Can I get this part back? It was lovely.

And I remember when I was in the Kindergarten, my grandma used to come and pick me up. And my teacher asked, “Is that your auntie?” because my grandma looks so young and pretty. Yes, she is.

And I wonder, 10 years from now… No, 15 years from now… I’m at home, and there’s a photo album on my lap….. And I open it, and see a picture of my mother, father, grandmother, grandfather…………………….. Smiling.

By a strange coincidence, my playlist is playing Yiruma – The River Flows In You. Heart beating fast, tears running down my face, my mouth opens, wishing I could say a word. Still, calmly sitting in front of the monitor.

Dear God,
I don’t want to lose them! I’m afraid to grow old! It’s not about my skin, my face or else, no! I don’t want to lose my mother! My father! My grandmother! My bestfriends! My lover! I don’t want to lose them! I’m afraid that someday in the future I will reach alone! This year I almost lost my grandmother and I’m not ready! I AM NOT FUCKING READY FOR ANY OF THESE!


Dear God,
If I am strong enough to know your secret about my life…
Could I help you, or ask you, to arrange my life?
Or do my life over?

8 comments:

  1. i know what im about to say is cliche, but u will never lose them.
    we all, humans, will be separated for a while. they who have gone first, um actually they're not gone. they just back to a place they belong to :)
    you too, someday you will go to that place. where everything is everlasting, we all will meet again and you dont have to worry to lose something or someone.
    but its not that easy i know, maybe i will just same as you bestfriend...
    "if you are dead, i will become crazy"

    cheer up, and keep prayin to God :)

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  2. wait a sec... i think i know who wrote this...
    but, if you meet me again in that place, will you remember me?
    I know, i have to accept the reality.
    thankyou, i love your words :)

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  3. more than twelve years together, is that possible to forget you?
    yes, accept the reality and i will keep on standing on your side :)
    you're welcome Nyu..

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  4. 100 thankyous, Arzita Shafira :)
    You will always in my head, the princess of my heart :)

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  5. tanteku kemarin cerita di facebook gini, "last night, my 5 years old princess said this and cried.. bunda, I don't want to go to elementary school, junior high, etc.. then getting married. Because once am older and grow old, you will also getting old and get sick a lot, then you will be died.. I prefer to stay small like this, so you'll also stay young, where ...I can always be with you and play games with you... *she's such a cute little girl*" hihihi :D baru 5 tahun loh

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  6. DEMI APA CHA?? ANJIR!!!!! mau nangis gw bacanya sumpah

    ReplyDelete

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