Dont Turn Your Back On Me.

Let's go back. Back to the beginning.

It was 4 years ago, since the first time we met. No... Not our first time exactly. But I remember, you came to my school and picked up your ex. Me, Tina, Sartika and Sasiet were there too. So you picked us up with your Avanza and drove us to PIM. I didnt really notice you that day, and yea, I had a boyfriend that day.

Years go by, we met again on Aska's farewell party. I remember you, and your name. So I said 'hi' and you replied 'halloooooo'. At the first time, I thought that you've forgotten me. But yea, you remember.

Aska went away. And I didnt have a place to go. Sasiet lived in a semi-apartment called D'Lofts. So I went there. And I met you again, you used to visit Amel and Tabe's room with Cembon. We talked a lot, laughed so hard and went to several places together.

And we went to Bandung. Aya made us, so you and I, Sasiet, Tabe went to Bandung together. We picked Indah and Aya and went back to Jakarta and slept at D'Lofts. Oh yes, it was your birthday. We celebrated it at Puncak. It was full of surprises.

You texted me every day, every time. We used to go together, went to several places, and yea, we laughed a lot. It was fast.

And one day, when we were together in my room, you said it. You love me. I love you too, papi.

You held me so tight. You took a good care of me since then. You treated me like I am the only one. You were so protective.

And you moved to Bali to reach your dream, to be a great pilot. Distance and time tested us, but we made friends with them.

I cried, you cried, we cried.

I laughed, you laughed, we laughed.

We shared everything.

And one day, we fought. It took almost a week until you texted me. It said, "I cant do this anymore, I'm sorry".

Felt like my world falls. I begged you to change your mind, but you didnt listen. You kept your words, you drove me crazy. I didnt have a good sleep for days. I forced my mind to forget you, I cant. It's getting worst each day.

I'm glad we are back now. We're together again. Please, hold me, because I will hold you tighter than before. I will hold you until it hurts.

Because A Good Man, Is So Hard To Find.

17 ‎November ‎2011, ‏‎9:37:24

Allah SWT baru saja menegur saya. Memberikan saya suatu kejadian yang benar-benar membuat saya merasa digampar. Saya, tidak lagi menjadi calon istri dari seorang penerbang.

Allah SWT memberikan saya pelajaran yang amat membuat saya menyesal. Saya tidak menghargai orang yang sudah sangat mencintai saya, ego saya mengalahkan semuanya. Dan sekarang saya benar-benar menyesal dengan apa yang telah saya perbuat. Saya mengingkan dia kembali, tapi kelihatannya dia sudah tidak menginginkan saya. Ya, terbatas karena masalah perbedaan prinsip.

Kini saya tau, bagaimana perasaan dia saat itu, saat dimana saya meninggalkan dia karena perbedaan prinsip. Sakit, tidak rela, airmata tiak berhenti mengalir. Apa yang dia perjuangkan buat saya terlihat sia-sia. Saya mengerti. Dia sakit sekali dan saya sudah menyakiti dia. Saya menyesal, sangat menyesal.

Hal ini membuat saya trauma. Saya takut melihat semua hal yang berhubungan dengan dia. Karena saya sangat mencintai dia, dan dia orang terbaik yang pernah saya punya. Ibu saya pernah bilang, "Mencari seseorang yang perhatian memang mudah, tapi untuk mencari orang baik itu tidak mudah". Dia itu terlalu baik buat saya. Dia tau bagaimana caranya menangani saya, ketika saya marah, ketika saya sedih, dia selalu di samping saya, dan kenapa saya menganggap itu semua belum cukup? Manusia memang tidak pernah puas, dan seharusnya saya mensyukuri itu.

Saya masih ingin mendampingi dia, walopun mungkin saya sudah tidak pantas lagi untuk itu. Kenapa? Karena saya merasa sanggup untuk mengurus dia, saya merasa sanggup untuk menunggu dia, saya masih mau menemani dia, dan semua ini membuat saya sadar, saya tidak mensyukuri dia. Saya menyesal, dan saya harap semuanya belum terlambat. Pernahkah dia terlintas, alasan kenapa dia mencintai saya? Ya, itu alasan kenapa saya tetap bertahan. Saya menginginkan dia kembali.

Andaikan dia tau perasaan saya dan tau perjuangan saya disini, andaikan dia tau sehancur apa hati saya mengingat dia. Dia terlalu baik buat saya, saya ingin mendampingi dia terus hingga akhir, namun perbedaan prinsip menghancurkan segalanya, ini membunuh saya pelan-pelan. Kenapa tidak dari awal kita berpikir untuk masa depan kita? Salah kami berdua memang, tapi saya tetap percaya, suatu saat kami akan bersama.

Ya Allah, kalau memang dia benar jodoh saya, dekatkan dia dengan saya, kalau tidak, jauhkan dia. Buat saya ikhlas dengan keadaan ini, buat saya lupa. Karena yang terbaik yang pernah saya punya, dia nomor 11 saya, nomor satu dari yang nomor satu dari orang-orang yang pernah menjalin cerita dengan saya di masa lalu.

Mas, aku sayang sama kamu. Aku mau ngebenerin semuanya. Aku mau kamu kembali, jangan pergi lagi. Aku masih mau jadi yang terbaik buat kamu. Aku butuh kamu. Mas, kembali ke pelukan aku. Aku sayang sama kamu.

From Nothing To Something.

Dala is walking alone right now.
Different story, another chapter.
She left him, she erased him.
Dante is dead.

Dala stops in front of her house.
She lights on her third cigarette and walks in.
She walks upstairs, to her room.
And here she goes.

She sits on her bed and looks outside her window.
17:34 PM, the sun is going down.
She keeps asking herself a simple question,
"Why you hide her?".

Andes may not read this but,
She keeps asking, asking and asking.
She wants to read Andes,
A boy who gives her a hundred of questions to reveal.

She keeps guessing.
Does he know his own condition?
Does he know that I'm questioning him?
Does he realize that I am here and alive?

Dala knows everything.
She's good at reading and hearing.
She always listen and pay attention for what she did,
Though she didnt do anything.

She lights on her fourth cigarette.
She walks towards the window.
The sky turns dark, but she can see the stars.
She sees Andes, she sees nothing.

She wont walk away.
She needs answers.
She closes her eyes.
"Hey, we started nothing".

Always You.

Leona, where are you?
Leona is asking herself.

Leona sits alone in her car, smoking.
She puts her headphone on and turns on her iPod.
A sweet song from Alesana called 'The Third Temptation of Paris'.
She keeps looking to the sky full of stars in silence.

She hears a heavy sound from above.
An airplane, flying above her.
She watches it disappear.
She realizes something, she lost everything.

She's rushing out from her car, leaving her iPod on.
She looks around and kicks her car in madness.
The sky is watching her, the wind is trying to stop her.
But she's mad, so mad, the world disappoints her.

And she stops.
She cries.
She walks into her car.
She sits down, calming herself up and starts smoking.

I hate that thing, airplanes.
They took away my everything.
They reminds me and rewinds my stories.
They fly with it, they are all gone.

Leona turns her engine on.
She shows her middle finger to the sky.
She's going home,
Alone.

"If it wasn't you, I wouldn't be this way"

Some People Just Wanna See the World Burn.

Leona sits in front of the mirror.
She cries, her eyes are red.
"How could you dare do this to us... We are innocents", those words keep on repeating in her mind.
She's alone.

She cant go back, and she wont rewind.
She stands up, her hands are shaking.
"It's too late, I cant give a damn", she keeps telling herself that words.
She's hurt.

'Some people just want to see the world burn'.
Yes, she's one of those people now.

I Can Almost See You.

Dear Madeira.
Goodbye.

Thankyou for you and your heart.
It was a cold night, and you then you came.
You had my best and I had yours.
It was warm, you were my sun.

Now look up.
Dont look at me.
Look at him.
He's hurt, so do I.

I'm letting you go.
Dont hate me, I am not your ego.
To love you is to reach your happiness.
I'll reach mine, in a different way.

Now look at me.
Do you ever think about my feeling?
Every story has consequences.
You make my heart screams inside, it wants you to choose.

Make it clear.
We are done.
I will represent your pain.
I will cover it for you.

To love you is to reach your happiness.
And now I'm teaching you how to love your heart.
How to respect yourself.
And how to build your happiness and start it all over again.

To win my ego is to break you down.
To win it, is to destroy myself.
In the name of manhood I will say,
I love you and I want you to love everyone's around you.

Madeira,
We're still breathing.
But now I'm walking on this wet street and you're standing on the bridge.
I wont look up, I will walk away from here.

Madeira,
Keep on smiling.
Go ahead, cry until the sun goes down.
I will remembering you.

My dear Madeira,
I'm moving.
But remember one thing.
I can feel your heartbeat from here.

What A Quite Night To Sing His Favorite Song.

Nama saya Anissa dan calon istri dari seorang calon penerbang.

Calon suami saya bersekolah di suatu sekolah berlokasi di Bali, dimana selain jarak, waktu juga memisahkan kami, waktu di Bali sejam lebih cepat dibanding Jakarta.

Dan saya hancur, dikarenakan jarak dan waktu tersebut.

Semua bermula dari ulangtahun saya beberapa waktu lalu. Dimana saya sudah berusaha menghilangkan segala ekspektasi yang ada dan sampai akhirnya, ekspektasi menghancuran saya.

Dia tidak pulang, dia tidak bisa.

Karena masalah pendidikan, dia diharuskan untuk menetap disana dan tidak boleh pulang hingga waktu yang ditentukan. Saya mencoba maklum dan menerima kenyataan, namun karena ekspektasi saya sudah melewati batas dan memuncak pada malam hari, sekitar 4 jam sebelum pergantian tanggal, keikhlasan saya berubah menjadi kekecewaan.

Saya ingat sekali tahun lalu, dimana dia terus bersama saya sepanjang hari. Dia tidak pernah jauh dari saya dan memberikan semua yang terbaik yang dia bisa. Berbeda sekali dengan sekarang, dimana selama sehari itu saya sendirian. Banyak teman yang menguatkan dan memprovokasi. Saya yang awalnya tidak berharap apapun menjadi semakin berharap, dan juga dikarenakan sugesti saya yang sangat berpengaruh bagi saya, saya semakin kecewa dengan keadaan. Hingga pada puncaknya, kesabaran saya meledak menjadi kekecewaan berupa air mata.

Beberapa hari ke depannya, saya sudah lebih ikhlas dan sudah bisa menerima keadaan. Mau bagaimana lagi, memang sudah tidak bisa diapa-apakan, ya, saya terima.

Dan akhirnya terjadi lagi kejadian yang menyakitkan. Kami kembali berdebat, dimana kami berdua sama-sama meminta pengertian. Saya sadar, perdebatan pengertian seperti ini tidak akan ada habisnya, karena saya, dalam kondisi seperti ini lebih mengutamakan perasaan, sedangkan dia juga mengutamakan logika. Saya mengerti, saya memang harus mengalah pada masalah ini dan harus lebih bisa bersabar. Tapi sampai kapan? Sampai kapan hati saya mampu bertahan?

Saya berat menjalani ini semua. Semua dipendam dalam hati dan saya berusaha untuk tidak memikirkannya karena keadaan seperti ini menyakitkan. Saya benar-benar disiksa oleh jarak dan waktu. Saya dihancurkan oleh keadaan, mental saya terutama. Saya sadar, tidak ada yang bisa menguatkan saya kecuali diri saya sendiri dan Allah SWT. Ditambah lagi dengan masalah beda prinsip di antara kami. Saya sedang berjudi dengan masa depan. Dan parahnya, saya sudah ketakutan terlebih dahulu dengan semua jawaban yang akan ada di masa depan. Saya takut semua tidak berjalan sesuai dengan pengorbanan saya.

Saya benci jarak jauh. Dimana saya butuh figur seseorang yang saya cintai di depan mata, namun dia tidak ada disana. Dimana saya ingin memeluknya, dia terlalu jauh untuk digapai.

Belum lagi manajemen sekolahnya yang cukup mengecewakan saya. Dia tidak akan pulang hingga 3-4 bulan ke depan. Tapi saya harap hal tersebut masih bisa diubah. Jika tidak, keadaan saya akan lebih hancur dibandingkan dengan yang sekarang.

Saya tidak melihat keadaan hanya dari mata saya saja, namun dari mata dia juga. Saya sedih dengan keadaan dia disana, peraturan baru yang diberlakukan cukup memberatkan. Perizinan yang dipersulit, rencana baru tanpa memikirkan kondisi para siswa yang menjadikan mereka seperti hidup di dalam sangkar. Sekolah mereka terletak di ujung pulau Bali, butuh 3 jam lebih untuk mencapai sekolah itu dari Denpasar. Tidak pernahkah terpikirkan oleh pihak sekolah mereka tentang kondisi siswanya? Mereka butuh hiburan, mereka butuh rekreasi, mereka rata-rata masih muda, biarkanlah mereka bernafas lega sedikit. Mereka juga sudah membayar mahal untuk sekolah mereka, berikanlah mereka yang terbaik, jangan dari sisi pendidikan saja, tapi kebutuhan sekunder mereka. Mereka juga punya hak atas itu.

Dari sisi saya, saya mencoba untuk memahami kegiatan dia dan keadaan dia. Tapi sampai kapan saya bisa bertahan? Menomor satukan orang lain dan tidak memikirkan diri sendiri?

Lagi-lagi saya cuma bisa sabar dan bermain dengan air mata. Saya pikir saya sudah cukup dewasa untuk menerima ini semua, tapi saya tahu, saya adalah dewasa yang masih dalam perkembangan. Orang dewasa pun terkadang bisa menjadi anak kecil lagi, kan?

Nama saya Anissa dan calon istri dari seorang calon penerbang.

Saya bangga dengan kamu dalam meraih cita-citamu, tapi saya tidak bangga dengan diri saya yang tidak bisa menerima kenyataan.

Jika Allah SWT mengizinkan saya,
Dengan segala keterbatasan saya sebagai seorang perempuan,
Saya akan menjadikan hal itu sebagai kelebihan, keberanian dan kekuatan saya.

Saya Anissa, dan saya sanggup.

Anggia.

Dont let them bother you.
Erase it, bury it.
I can see the disappointment on your face.
Hey, dont cry.

It is normal to feel bad like this.
Too much expectation leads you to sadness.
And now?
You're fucked up, killed by expectation.

You're alone, I know.
You want him to see you smile.
To feel an enourmous feeling on this day,
A happy feeling which is ready to explode into a thousand bright colors.

But he wasn't there.

He's not here.
He's so far away from you, away from town.
It's like reaching the horizon alone, I know.

Hey.... Stop crying.
Accept it, this is was your choice.
I love you, I'm with you.
You're inside my circle, you're safe.

Look at me. Look at me.
You're breathing.
Leave it all behind.
Bite my hands.

Let your heart beats faster than before.
Let your heart explodes.
Feel those shits, feel it.
Let it be.

Anggia,
Two hours are enough for crying.
I'll sing you off to sleep.
I'll hold your hand until you find your dream.

Now go to sleep, little lady.
Feel me in.
I'll watch you soar.
I'll wipe your tears.

I'm smiling.
You're sleeping now.
I'm glad.
Rest my dear, you're too tired.

Call me when you cant feel a thing.
Find me under the table,
Smoking and watching you in silence.
I'll never leave you.

Anggia,
Happy birthday.
I love you.
Goodnight.

-Noah

A Song From A Dream.

Rain, baby, rain.
Keep on raining inside and outside my room.
Plastic raindrops are falling quitely in Neverland.
Touching my hair and my skin so softly.

It's getting colder and colder.
I'm lighter than air.
I turned off every light in my room.
Until I cant see my own hands.

Music plays,
From my playlist named "I'm An Owl"
Wet street and barking dogs,
Make me feel sleepy and make me smile.

I close my eyes.

I can feel you from here.
I can clearly see you from here.
Writting something about the sky,
On your bed, near the window.

I'm watching you sleep now.
Tired face and cold pillow.
I can hear your heart beat.
I can feel the warm of your breath.

I open my eyes.

Smiling at nothing.
I'm humming my favorite lullaby.
22:47 PM, I'm still breathing.
Clinging myself to a dream.

I drink up my midnight tea.
Feeling all good,
Ready to sneak into my blanket.
And now, I'm turning off myself until the sun comes up.

See you when I see you.

Dreamcatchers.

Do you remember the day you used to pick me up from campus,
And went to a several places for dinner?
And do you remember when I said "Don't Go",
A couple days before you went back to your academy?

Please stay a little longer.
Longer, than ever.

One day,
I will watch you soar.
But will you watch me?
Watch me take a good care of your children.

Do you know,
The moment when I said "Dont Go"
My heart is crying.
But I know that my heart is begging for something which is impossible to do.

When I watched you slowly disappear at the airport,
My heart tore in two.
When I arrived at home and looked around and you weren't there,
I described myself as a ghost.

Please, for one day,
Dont ever leave this bed, this house, our world.
Seize yourself for me.
Lock yourself for a day.

Tell me that you need me because I love you so much.
Say you never leave me because I need you so much.
Assure me that you wont go anywhere.
Give me years to keep you in me because I dont want to lose you, again.

My Elegy.

City lights complete my night.
Here I am, standing alone on the balcony with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand.
Watching those lights glittering to one another.
Wearing his white shirt and my old black shorts.

It's Saturday, 01:22 AM.
The rain stopped half an hour ago.
Still I can feel the cold breeze blowing through my hair.
And I can see the sky full of stars above so clearly.

My dreamcatcher still hanging above me.
Haven't had a nightmare for a long time.
I light on my cigarette.
I close my eyes.

Peace.
Together with nature.
I blend with the night and nature.
I'm singing their elegy.

Hear me.
Feel it.
I can hear those owls.
I can see an eagle flying behind that valley.

Wet trees and river.
Crickets and toads.
Lights and sounds.
Clear sky and stars.

I smile.
It's getting dark.
I walk inside the house.
I will dream of you tonight.

Saint Naive.

My dear Juneau,
You come back.
100 thankyous,
Your little girl is waiting behind the front door.

Dont go away.
Stay with me and walk beside me.
My heart, your hands, my eyes, your chest.
I just love every single thing about you.
Those are mine, those belong to me.

Smile, my dearest.
Make me strong, make me cry.
Cherish me,
Lend me your shoulder.

Turn the music on.
Come here, sleep beside me.
Love me like we love this song.
Whisper love words in my ear.

Get up, my dear.
Run with me, feel the happiness around us.
Paint me something in blue.
Loving someone is wonderful.

Welcome back to the world we used to live.
Welcome home.
Listen,
I love you.

I hope the words get through.

The Skies Wont Fall Until The Sun Reaches It Ends.

23 August 2011, 07:49 AM.
Still breathing like those old trees.
Smoking, sorry.
Blaming me for nothing.

You were louder than before.
Too loud.
I cant even hear the radio.
I loathe that moment.

My eleventh cigarette for this morning.
You broke the rules I've made.
You break me, all of me.
You middle-fingered me. Fuck off.

I wont reach my dreams with you.
But I cant decide.
I've no control.
But I've secret to tell the world.

I am going to turn myself off.
For years, If I could.
I wont blame you for this.
I blame us.

We're Not Tidal Anymore.

Yanda, aku pergi.
Bukan untuk menyakitimu sebenarnya, tapi untuk menyakiti aku.
Aku berhak menerima.
Aku berhak menghadapinya sendirian.

Aku ingin sendiri.
Sendiri mengalahkan kerasku,
Mengalahkan egoku yang seperti raja,
Yang menjadikan aku seorang ksatria tak berwatak dan tak bermasa depan.

Aku tidak ingin tidur,
Tak berani juga untuk menutup mata.
Aku hanya memandang tembok yang berdiri kokoh.
Aku akan terus memeluk diriku hingga aku kehilangan keseimbangan.

Aku butuh gravitasi.
Aku butuh hujan.
Aku butuh bintang.
Aku butuh keajaiban.

Aku akan berhenti menatapmu.
Aku tidak akan bergetar.
Semua untuk kebaikan kamu,
Meskipun itu adalah pernyataan yang tolol.

Yanda,
Aku butuh air.
Air mata.

Blame Me.

It's not about me, nor us.
But you.
You came to me, you live in me.
I want you to come out.

I give a damn for all of your mistakes.
I run to you.
But I cant catch you.
I will never cant.

Look at me like you'll never see me.
There's a scar.
You made it with no reason.
You cursed me.

Why did you have to come?
Where's your brain?
Where's your manner?
How dare you?

Words are killing.
Your deadly weapon.
I dont need words.
I need you to disappear.

Let me breathe on my own.
Let me watch those birds alone.
I dont want you.
Just, go away.

Joker Is Better Than Batman, Sometimes.

Kenapa semua orang suka salah menilai dalam hal-hal tertentu? Heran aja, kok bisa-bisanya mereka menilai sesuatu yang mereka engga kenalin secara dalam?

Disini sih saya cerita tentang diri saya. Mau tau banget? Nih.

Saya orangnya keras. Tidak individualis, tapi ya keras. Semua orang itu egois, tapi dalam batasan masing-masing. Saya juga keras sama diri saya sendiri, dan saya tidak akan melakukan sesuatu yang saya tidak suka kecuali buat pengalaman. Saya tidak ingin diatur, dan selama saya nyaman dengan keputusan dan prinsip saya, saya tidak akan mengubah hal itu. Ada kalanya nasehat dari orang lain bener, cuma ya, saya tetep balik ke prinsip saya pasti. Kalo saya ga nyaman sama nasehat dia walopun itu bener, saya ga jadi diri saya sendiri dong. Tapi ada kalanya saya lembek sama diri saya sendiri, untuk tujuan tertentu.

Saya muslim yang kuat, even suka lupa solat ato males-malesan disuruh ibadah. Orangtua saya sudah menanamkan saya sejak saya kecil, kalo agama itu nomer satu. Banyak yang bilang, agama itu tidak menyelamatkan kita atau apalah itu.... Tapi saya tetep sama pendirian saya kalo ya, saya muslim. Mungkin pandangan saya tentang agama sama orang kebanyakan beda, tapi itulah saya. Cara pikir saya berbeda dari orang kebanyakan dan saya kebanyakan mikir pake logika. Ya, kalian pasti bisa ambil kesimpulan dari situ, kalo apapun yang saya lakuinm apapun yang terjadi, saya tetep orang Islam sampe mati. Saya lahir Islam, mati juga Islam. Dan saya hidup sebagai Muslimah, sebagai hamba Allah. Ya suatu saat nanti saya bakal improve ibadah saya pasti. Ya, dengan cara saya sendiri.

Saya orangnya terlalu santai. Karena kalo saya panik, ancur semua pasti. Saya paling ga suka diburu-buru walopun saya telat, karena saya tau, semua yang dilakuin buru-buru itu hasilnya ga maksimal. Tapi ya... Jeleknya, saya orangnya males. Dan sampe sekarang saya belom bisa nemuin solusi buat kemalesan saya itu, saya belom dapet sesuatu yang bisa ngubah sifat jelek saya itu.

Saya menyeimbangkan logika dengan perasaan. Pola pikir saya selalu berdasarkan logika. Kecuali buat masalah cinta. Ya itu ribet yang jelas. Tapi akhir-akhir ini, saya udah cukup bisa menyeimbangkan logika sama perasaan saya di dalam hal cinta. Perih memang, cuma itu semua kan harus berdasarkan kenyataan. Kalo suka ya suka, engga ya engga. Suka deketin, engga ya jauhin. Dalam hal apapun saya mencoba untuk terus nyeimbangin itu, ya karena semua yang saya lakuin pasti juga buat saya dong.

Saya, kadang, tapi lebih tepatnya sering, lebih ngeduluin orang lain dibanding ngeduluin diri saya sendiri. Tapi itu juga udah dipikirin mateng-mateng, dan saya orangnya selalu mikir panjang dalam segala hal, jadi ya, udah oke lah, ada pertimbangan-pertimbangan tertentu kalo mau ngeduluin orag lain dibanding diri sendiri.

Saya ga suka kalo sesuatu yang saya senengin dihambat sama orang lain. Toh saya suka, meskipun itu bikin capek, sedih, susah ato nyesek sekali pun. Resiko kan resiko saya, bukan resiko mereka. Ya saya yang tanggung. Saya makasih sih sama mereka yang udah ngingetin saya, cuma ya buat pengalaman-pengalaman saya, kenapa dihambat? Toh saya seneng dan orangtua juga setuju-setuju aja. Oh ya, dan selama orangtua saya suka, santai dan mengizinkan saya, saya bakal terus ngelakuin itu. Toh mereka ga marah atopun berat.

Saya adalah kaum minoritas. Kenapa? Saya sangat berbeda dari orang-orang kebanyakan, terutama perempuan. Jadi jangan aneh kalo lagi sama saya terus tiba-tiba saya bilang T-Rex itu ganteng terus paus itu cantik. Atau... Ivan Gunawan itu oke parah. Saya suka loh sama Julia Perrez, dengan segala kekurangannya. Mereka suka Miley Cyrus, saya lebih milih Shakira. Mereka suka All Time Low, saya lebih milih Jonsi. Mereka bilang selingkuh itu parah, saya bilang itu biasa. Mereka pake wedges, saya lebih pilih pake sneakers. Mereka bilang air liur anjing itu najis, tapi saya tidur sama anjing saya. Mereka bilang Edward Cullen ganteng, saya pilih Jacob Black. Ya itulah saya, ditambah lagi saya cuek sama keadaan sekitar, terutama dalam bersosialisasi. Saya orangnya supel, jadi main sama siapa aja, ampe germo sekali pun. Dan saya tidak akan mengaggap itu negatif, selama mereka bisa menghandle perbedaan ato kelakuan mereka sendiri. Dan masih banyak lagi sih, tapi saya engga usah sebutin disini.

Saya suka orang yang berjiwa seni tinggi. Hal ini masih tanda tanya di kepala saya, kenapa mereka bisa begitu jenius dan kreatif dalam bermusik? Melukis? Dan lain-lain? Mereka manusia-manusia hebat.

Saya suka dengan pola pikir orang Atheist. Logika mereka luar biasa hebat, sampe mereka berani mengambil keputusan yang amat sangat hebat. Tapi bukan berarti saya ingin seperti mereka, jelas engga. Saya cuma kagum. Mungkin saya agak seperti mereka cuma saya masih menomor satukan kepercayaan saya.

Kayanya segitu aja deh curhatnya. Paling tidak saya udah ngasih tau pribadi saya, jadi jangan salah menilai saya, karena saya beda, dari anda.

Having A Rapid Pulse For 30 Minutes.

Anggate,
I am no longer your super woman.
I have my own life, you have yours.
I discarded everything about you from my life, but I dont erase it.

Anggate,
You're my hurricane.
You're still someone for me.
You live in my sea of memories.

I've been crying all night long like a baby.
I want milk from my mother and I cant do anything except begging and crying for it.
Your smell would linger in my room for days.
I cant see your shadow, no I cant.

The sound from my piano makes me hurt.
And the violin, shows me your pattern.
Colors is the best illustrator for us now.
Until the moment you will go away.

Anggate,
You're my bestfriend.
You're my husband.
You're my enemy.

I'm An Owl.

You touch the grass with your fingers.
I can feel it, a very soft touch from you.
And you smile, like you understand how it feels to be touched by your fingers.
Dont look at me, I'm smiling.

I can see those brown eyes smiling.
I can feel the warm of your eyes.
I can hear you humming, I can feel you breathing.
I can see you from here, behind this wall.

Dont turn your back on me, Dante.
Keep on smiling.
I do this for you.
But will you love as a woman not a murderer?

Feel me, feel my wings behind me.
Hold me, and walk beside me.
Love me, put your eyes on me.
Look at me, dry my eyes.

Sleep with me tonight.
Blanket me with your arms.
Be my man.
Be mine.

I hurt, you hurt.
You're my lullaby.
My vision is black and blue.
I dont need white.
You're white enough to make it true.

While we are here, while we are tidal,
While my hands are shaking,
While my mouth can speak,
I love you.
I hope the words get through.

See right through me.
Take a deep look to my eyes.
See them wanting you like the end is near.
See them begging.

Keep on singing my favorite song, Dante.
Keep on walking with direction.
Keep on breathing with me, even if you're not with me.
Let my blood lives in you for years.

Keep this moment alive.
Keep me inside you.
Dont let me go.

This Lake Is Her Home.

Dala sits alone.
On a old bench made of wood near her favorite lake.
She watches two black swans swimming with no direction.
So does she.

She lights on her third cigarette.
Wondering, how could this happened to her?
She walks on the boulevard to her memories.
She's in the horizon alone.

She watches her fingers now,
Bloody hands, cover with pain.
She looks up to the sky.
She cant smile.

Looks like she's going to burn her hands with fire.
No, she lights on her fourth cigarette.
She knows that she will reach her dream alone.
For a moment.

She's humming.
One of her favorite.
Her favorite lullaby.
She's hurt.

She picks up a shotgun near her.
She aims the black swan.
Her heart beats fast.
She takes a deep breath and..........

The trees behind her shout at her.
A group of birds fly away, away from her.
She killed the black swan.
Headshot.

The other one swims away and flies.
Afraid of dying, it fears death.
Blood fills the water around the black swan.
Dala throws her shotgun away.

Dala cries, so loud.
She covers her face with her bloody hands.
She cries like a crazy woman who cant accept her son's death.
She screams so loud, so does the trees behind her.

Her face covers with blood and tears.
She stands up, lights on her fifth cigarette.
She tries to keep calm.
She stops crying.

She sits on the bench again,
Playing her fingers again.
She looks up to the sky.
She's smiling.

Dala, you're not guilty.

You Really Got Me, Shannon Leto.

Dear Shannon,
I dont care if you're turning 40 this year. I dont care if you're older than me. Why should I care?
No, dont close your eyes. Your eyes want to conquer the world and all the people out there.
You're different.
Hey, I love you.

Smile. I love your smile.
A naughty smile, yes! I love it!
I have nothing to say, sorry.

Now, turn right, left is okay.
There you are, perfect.
I love your arms. Can I touch?
Please, dont let me scream out loud.

Sing me something.
Dont forget the guitar.
Go ahead, 'Hurricane' is cool.
Shit. You're the man.

1 hour later.

Hit me. Steal it.
You're pushing me too hard.
Pull my hair, lock me down.
Show me, rule me.

I'm sweating, make it fast.
Go ahead.
Push, push, push.
Make me scream out loud, make me cry.

Now stop.
It's over.
Thankyou.

Readers, now you get what you deserve.

A Boy Named Aurora.

My boy, Aurora.
A boy with a spirit like a stallion.
He walks like he has no direction.
He runs like he has a wings on his back.

He lives with nature, he loves them, he blends with them.
He sleeps on the sand, he let the sea touches his body.
He let the wind sing him off to sleep.

My dearest, Aurora.
He let go of the fear inside me.
He smiles like nothing happened.
He holds my hands like I am his mother.

He loves to walk with Andes.
A big white horse which he called him 'bestfriend'.
He loves to hear the birds waking him up in the morning.
He loves to watch the sunrise and the sunset.
He loves being around them.

My dearest, Aurora.
I love you.
Your blue eyes made me cry once a night.
Those beautiful eyes, so deep and warm.
Eyes of the ocean.

He would smile though the sky is on fire.
He would laugh though he knows the time will come.
He would live forever.

Stay beside me, Aurora.
Keep on walking like you used to.
Keep on dreaming like you'll never know.
This galaxy is yours.
My heart is yours.

Black and White Photos Make My Heart Beats Fast.

Dont ever hurt me.
Dont ever touch me, again.
Dont you ever dare to do it.
Dont make me cry.

Dont follow me anymore.
We are nothing.
Do your life over.
I'll do mine.

My heart, your hands.
All the good things come to an end.
Why?
You dont have to answer.
Because the answer is in front of you.

You will never have me at hello anymore.
I am your goodbye.
We are a story that will ending in tragedy.
You and I, are below zero, down below.

We are wrong from the first.
We've been walking in vain.
Now give me an answer.
What should we do now?

My dear,
I cant see your colors.

Go To Sleep, I Guess.

"Aku begini itu karena aku sayang banget sama kamu dan kamu itu tanggung jawab aku! Ya aku panik lah kalo kamu itu ga ada kabar, aku takut kamu kenapa-kenapa, apalagi kamu ASMA, panik sedikit sama kena asep sedikit langsung kambuh. Hey, kamu itu cuma satu makanya kamu itu aku jaga baik-baik!"
-Radiya.

The Song's Remembering Me of You. The Song's Called 'Tidal'.

Dala sits in front of her laptop.
She looks confuse, no, she looks so weird, so damn weird.
It ends tonight.

Dala cries in silence.
Dala takes a deep breath over and over again.
She lights on her second cigarette.
She's still crying.

Dante, please stop me.
Stop the time.
Stop everything.
Keep on glowing, keep on smiling.
Dante, dont leave.

Dala puts her cig on an asthray near her.
She holds her body like hugging a big pillow.
Her eyes keeps on blinking.
She's hurt.

Dante was right.
Dont run from reality.
And now, reality is chasing her.
Reality wants to kill her.

I'm sorry, Dante.
I'm really sorry.
I've been trying really hard to reach you.
I've been giving every single thing to make you stay.
It's not enough, never enough.
I'm sorry.

I'm going to walk this path alone.
In search of happy days I know I'll never find.
Nobody has to know except me and God.
But I hope you will always remember the time when I'm with you.

In flight again with Tidal Wave 03.
I'm still trying.
I'll keep on trying to make you mine.
Forever.

Ireland of My Heart.

Mala duduk diatas rerumputan basah diatas bukit. Angin mengelus lembut rambutnya. Gitar kesayangannya tertidur pulas di sampingya. Mala duduk manis sambil memeluk kedua kakinya, menatap langit gelap kebiruan. Ia menanti matahari untuk bangkit dari tidur lelapnya, tersenyum menatap hantaran rerumputan basah di depannya dengan penuh kasih sayang.

Mala menutup matanya. Ia bisa mendengar angin bernyanyi dengan indahnya, menyapa rerumputan hijau di hadapannya, mengelus awan dengan anggunya. Allah SWT yang Maha Agung, Engkau memang Maha Kuasa.

Jutaan cerita hadir dalam pikirannya secara perlahan. Ia tidak ingin mengingat kenangan buruk, hanya kebahagian yang dia hadirkan. Ia tersenyum tanpa sadar, masih menutup mata. Matahari belum mau terbit, apakah ia kelelahan?

Ia bisa mendengar denyut jantungnya, jantungnya ikut bahagia. Seluruh organ tubuhnya seperti berteriak bahagia. Mala merasa lega, ia bisa membahagiakan tubuhnya dengan alam. Ya, hanya alam yang mampu membuatnya tersenyum penuh arti.

Ia melemaskan jemarinya, menyentuh rerumputan yang basah. Apakah mereka menangis? Inikah tangisan kebahagiaan? Cara mereka menyambut pagi?

Beberapa burung kecil melintas di atas kepalanya, bersiul riang menyambut sang matahari. Dan mendadak hilang dalam kabut pagi yang dingin.

Mala membuka kedua matanya. Ia menitikan air mata. Dimana lagi ia akan merasa damai seperti ini? Dimana lagi ada tempat yang mampu menentramkan jiwanya selain disini? Cara apa lagi yang mampu membuatnya bahagia kecuali bersatu dengan alam?

Mala membiarkan tubuhnya jatuh perlahan dan bersatu dengan rerumputan yang hijau dan basah. Ia dapat mencium segarnya bau rerumputan basah di pagi hari, ia membiarkan kabut pagi menjadi selimutnya untuk beberapa waktu. Ia mengelus gitar kesayangannya yang terasa beku di sebelahnya, dan tersenyum.

Semesta, kita sedang bernafas bersama, kita sedang berbahagia bersama. Jangan pernah berubah, jangan buat hatiku hancur. Aku mencintai kalian semua, hiduplah bersamaku, karena kalian adalah kekasihku yang amat kucintai.

Dante, I'm Not Coming Home.

Now playing: Cherish the Ladies - Erin Grá Ma Chrói (Ireland Of My Heart).

Dante.
I'm crying.
Feel me, feel my tears, feel my pain.
I cant see your colors, I cant hear your heartbeat.
You're not breathing with me.
I cant see you.

Those are not your footsteps, it's not your shoes.
I need your voice, I want you to scream louder than before.
Please, I cant hear you.
Please, I need you.

You remain here inside my chest, inside my head.
Dont turn your back on me.
Dont close your eyes, I want to see them.
Your light brown eyes, warm me up.
You're too bright for me, you're too far.

Dont leave me behind.
Forgetting you but not the time.
No, I wont forget.
I wont go, I'll stay, I'll keep holding on to myself.

I believe you'll comeback.
I believe you'll shine a light on me.
I believe you'll reach me someday.
I believe in you though you belong to someone else.

Let the rain pouring on us, let it be.
See me shaking with pale face.
See me falling like the snow.
Bring me back to your life.
Bring me back our memories.

Dante.
I'm still crying.
Watch me walking with no direction.
Watch me crying like I'm crazy enough to beg you to not to leave me.
Thursday, 23 June 2011, 02:55, I'm still waiting.
Make my cheeks turn red, make me smile.

Dante.
I love you.
I always do.
Come back.
I need you.

Dante,
I have so many things to say but you're so far away.

You're still glowing.

Your Smile Cant Fool My Eyes, Athena.

I am here.
I'm walking on air.
Two eagles flying above me.
Acid tears running down from the sky.

I hate reality.
I want to live in my dream.
I dont want to wake up.
I want to stay in the land of fantasy.

I walk slowly.
I am going to reach the sun.
Dont be afraid, my dearest.
I am not alone.
My body is with me wherever I go.
I'm walking with the wind.

I'm flickering and I wont blink.
Their eyes are showing me their feelings.
I dont need that.
Because I understand.

Show me the light.
I dont need lamp for tonight.
Nature will help me through the night.
It's easy to ignite.

Show me the way to live in you.
Tell me how to conquer you.
I am not coming back.
Stop my heartbeat.

I will stay awake all night long.
Though my chest is going to burst.
Though I cant see my own color.

I will keep on singing your song.
Though my heart is not beating.

You're Breathing With Me.

Nothing was real.
A dream about phenomena, about them,
My dearest, Athena.
I'm sorry.

I'm cursed.
I have to go.
I have to run.
I have to sink.
I will drown you in the water.
I will surrender.

You're the wind and I'm the bird.
You're the soul and I'm the body.
Regrets.
Atrocity.

I'm a torch.
I will walk alone.
I will run alone.
And you begin to move.
Elegant.
Cold.

Heartbeat.
Breathing.
Heal my wounds while we're tidal.
While we're twenty.
While we're here.

I love you.
And you're breathing with me.

Monday, 06 June 2011, 15:45.

Sitting in the class, nothing do.
Boring quantitative class, yea those words are yelling like a hungry lion.
Come on....................

I had a rough morning.
Had a phone call for 30 minutes.
Yea I need 30 minutes just to say goodbye.

I was happy.
It was warm.
But now it turns odd.
It crawls beneath my skin.
Please stop.

My friend named Billy, who's sitting beside me, talking to himself like he owns the world.
His face looks sleepy, yea, totally, 100%.
His eyes show me everything. "Fuck me, I'm bored. Let's do it in the backseat".
Sure go ahead, with the girl who sits beside Bryan. No, not Wynne.

And Billy asks, "Are ya tryna tha kill meh", yea what an accent.
I say no, I was trying to show him heaven but what the hell is he talking about.

And for a moment, we hear a sound. A heavy sound.
"Well, the invasion starts now", says Billy and now he's starting to talk to himself again.

I laugh in silence for a moment.
I was sad in the morning and now, I smile.
Well, back to my daily routine, Captain.

Swear To Me, That You'll Be A Better Man.

If I were a boy,
I would listen to her.
I would protect her.
I wouldnt let her cry.

If I were a boy,
I would stroke her hair before she goes to sleep.
I would kiss her cheeks and her forehead.
I would be in her dreams.

If I were a boy,
I would answer her call.
I would reply her message.
I would make her know that I'm okay here in my bedroom.

If I were a boy,
I would do the things she likes.
I would hold her tight.
I would make her the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.

If I were a boy,
I wouldnt let the rain pouring on her.
I would lend my jacket.
I wouldnt make her feel cold.

If I were a man,
I would take care of her.
She would be one of my responsibilities.
I would marry her and make her proud.

If I were her husband,
I would give her a long kiss goodnight.
I would give her the best I could give.
I wouldnt let her feel lonely.
I would take care of her pregnancy.
I would be her man until death do us apart.
I would be the one she dies with.

If I were her father's children,
I would give them my all,
I would take a good care of them,
I would be the greatest father in the world.
I would be the happiest man in the world for having someone like them.

If I were her man,
I would show her the tears of the happiest man in the world.
I would stick with her.
I would go everywhere she would go.

If I were a boy,
I swear, I would make it all comes true.

Sunday, 05 June 2010, 02:33 AM.

Lying down on the bed like a fat house cat.
Playing Virtual DJ like there's no tomorrow.
Taking a drag from my cigarette after having a long tiring day.
Went to a several places in Bandung, had a cup of hot chocolate and fried chicken for lunch.

But still, I want to go somewhere far colder.
Where I cant feel my fingers.
Where I can see the stars glowing like a thousand diamonds.
Where I can spend my time alone singing through the night.
Where I can find the real me.

I'm a 2000 years old tree.
I'm an early morning dew.
I'm an ocean air.
I'm a mountain wind.
I'm an eagle.
I'm a sand.
I'm a seagull.
I am me.

It's so calming when I see a row of trees in the evening moving, driving by wind.
When I see the clouds above me hiding the sun from Earth.
When I see the river flowing its pure water.
When I see the ocean waving to me.
Nature is beautiful.

I love them, but why still I cant respect them?
That's the big question.

One day, I'll be lying down on a wet green grass in the mountain.
Playing guitar and crying.
Why crying?
Cry for realizing how could the almighty God made these. All of these.
Tears of happiness.

02:55 AM.
I should go to sleep.
Goodnight nature.
I love you.

Ghosts.

Friday, 03 June 2010, 14:37 PM.

I was smoking in front of my laptop and was having my evening tea at Neverland (I named my bedroom "Neverland").
It was a windy day and the sky was clear.
I watched the cloud, the sun hid behind it.
The wind blew so hard, softly approached the trees in front of my house.
Are they talking to each other?, I asked to myself.
What a view.

I played some music on.
My playlist on iTunes which I named it 'Around Us'.
I shuffled it, and suddenly, it played Boyce Avenue - Change Your Mind.

I took a drag of my cigarette deeply.
I smiled. I enjoyed the song.

The song ended.
And it played The Chemical Brothers - Hold Tight London.

Been a months I didnt listen to this song.
An emotional song, which could make me crazy for hours.
For a minute, the song rewinded everything in my head.
Suddenly, I cried.

The song represents me.
The song is me.
The lyrics got me.

I lit on my seventh cigarette.
I stopped crying.
I looked down and puffed the cigarette smoke to my laptop.

What kind of animal I have become?
What kind of life I live right now?
What kind of feeling I hurt right now?
What is that? Who are they?

They're just a ghosts in the doorway.
I can see through but I hold tight.
I dont want to be a part of them.
I dont want to fall again.
I dont want to grow up.
I want to stay.

I lit on my eighth cigarette.
I pulled the trigger.
I painted my dreams.
I cursed the reality.
I walled my anti-barrier.
I closed my eyes.

I will see you in the breeze.

A Cup of Tea and City Lights Are My Bestfriends.

It has been 24 hours.
Okay, I guess this is the end.
He went away.
Okay. Take a deep breath.

I walk to the balcony outside my bedroom.
My house has a beautiful view in town by the way.
I stand there, and in front of me, spread out a view of the city lights.
I can feel the nightlife, I can hear a bunch of cars blows their horns.
Thousand colors paint the night from the buildings.

I hold my cup of tea tightly.
It's still hot, my favorite one.
No cigarette for tonight.
He doesnt like it.

Beep beep.
One message received.
I dont want to look at it.
Expectation leads me to sadness.

Beep beep.
Two messages received.
It must be Tara. She wants to meet me this weekend.
Nevermind.

Beep beep.
Three messages received.
Okay... Let me check the first meesage.

From Dante.
He says, "I miss you".

I................. Oh shit I can say a word!

And the second one.... "Call me".
And the third one.... "Where are you? :(".
I'll call him.

"...................Hello", says Dante.
"Hi", I'm shaking.

And we're talking.
I cant stop smiling, no I cant.
15 minutes talking, and it ends.

"I miss you still", I text him.
He replied, "Me too. Now go to bed, sleep with me, hug me and kiss me til the sun comes up. And stay there beside me when I open my eyes".
"I wont go anywhere. My home is your heart", okay, I'm being honest.
"You want to be my wife?", okay, Dante makes me melt.
"Your wife-soon-to-be", I reply and smile.
":) now clean up, off to bed and dream of me. See you", says Dante.
"You too, goodnight!", and it ends.

Dante's last message makes me very very happy.
I'm wishing right now...
That you're the one I will live my life with.

Dala loves you.
Dala means it.