It's Just, Realizing That the Only Person You Really Have Control Over is Yourself.

I know that everything and everyone that I hate is engraved upon my heart.
If you want to let go of something,
If you want to forget,
You have to be ready.

The truth is,
Unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself,
Unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over,
You can't move forward.

I tried,
I did, and I moved forward.
But it tickles, isn't it?
That feeling, that memories.

It was hard,
Because I fell so deep.
It was heavy,
I fucked up.

But in the end, only three things matter.
How much you loved,
How gently you lived,
And how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

Because no matter how much suffering I went through,
I never wanted to let go of those memories.
Those precious memories,
Are priceless.

I've no time to say goodbye.
Secret tears were flowing gently,
When I rush through it,
You were gone before I knew it.

Now, I am taking control,
And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.
I'm okay.
I'll turn my back on you forever.

When No Wind Whirled.

I know you've been trying really hard to read my mind,

But you failed.

I know you've been trying to figure out my heart,

No, you can't

From now and forever,

I won't let you know what's inside me.

I won't let your eyes beg for it.

I won't let you walk closer.

But listen,

I can only pray,

I can only see,

What you really want to be in the next five years.

Hold her close,

Let me go.

Tell her you love her,

Let me walk away from here.

One thing,

Let me live in your eyes,

Let me be in your prayers,

Let me walk hand in hand with you in another dream.

Together Alone.

I was walking into the blue,

When he just got out from his imagination.

I asked him what happened,

He just stood there, and smiled.

We walked behind the pines,

Mountain smell, our favorite,

Brought us back to a time,

Where things were fine.

He wanted to be a miracle,

To be someone for someone,

And I said that he already has,

But he didn't believe my mouth.

And we ran,

In the snow,

Through our memories,

Through everything.

We won't come back.

He pulled me and cried.

I won't let you go, he said.

Then don't, I replied.

Enfold Me.

You are the blue lagoon,

Set in the pure heart of a naive little boy.

You are my salvation,

My light.

I learned a lot from you.

You're a droid.

You're a gambler,

You're a free soul.

You paint your dreams on a black canvas.

You love to play with your mind.

You are on your own again,

And you are emotionally fragile.

I know that you cried in silence on a misty weekend in winter.

I know that you smiled when I told you that your voice sounds familiar in my ears,

I know that you spoke about hope and love in the turbulence,

And I know that you tried to find grace and you failed.

I love the way you see the meeting of the sacred and the ordinary.

I love the way you solve the puzzle in me,

And I love the way you sing your heart out,

It's like, a one long song.

But we can't.

We just can't.

We can't go on.

Because we're on a different train.

Sleeping Earth.

Seribu hari mataku terbuka,

Cukup lebar untuk menantang dunia,

Dengan tubuh dibalut cinta,

Aku mendengar suaramu di antara pepohonan.

Udara dingin tak bertuan,

Mengirim pesan yang tak kasat mata,

Akan tawa dan air matamu,

Yang tidak akan pernah aku lupakan.

Aku bernyanyi bersama semesta,

Nyanyianku, nyanyian hujan,

Kau berdiri di sana, bertekuk lutut,

Menghancurkanku dari jauh.

Tiga ekor elang dan butiran embun,

Bersatu membuat cerita,

Tentang manusia yang mengatasnamakan alam,

Untuk membela dirinya yang selalu benar.

Walau aliran sungai terlihat jelas di matamu,

Walau mataku selalu mencarimu di antara ribuan orang yang sedang berdoa,

Walau dunia tak mau memberiku waktu,

Namamu tetap ada dalam jiwa.

Listen To My Beating Heart.

It has been two years since Arianna ended her relationship with Cliffton.

Cliffton went away after that,

He moved to another town.

And Arianna knew that.

One night, Arianna went to a party with her friends.

She looked gorgeous,

Long black hair, baby blue dress, black high heels,

She was ready to hit the night.

She met her old friends there.

They said "Hi" and offered her a drink.

She looked happy.

Until someone caught her attention.

He was wearing a black t-shirt,

Black ripped skinny jeans, black Flamenco hat, and brown boots.

The one he loved,

It was Cliffton.

Awkward.

But Arianna walked towards him.

It was only ten steps then she stopped.

Cliffton was holding someone's hand.

Cliffton looked at her.

He didn't move his lips.

Then he talked to his friends, smiled, and laughed.

Still, with his girl stood beside him.

Arianna didn't give a fuck.

She walked back to her friends.

She started to dance,

And drank more.

It was 02:17,

And she decided to go home early.

She said goodbye to her friends,

And walked out the room.

It was only ten steps to her car,

But someone stood in front of her car.

Cliffton,

He stood there and smoked.

"Still using the same car, eh?", asked Cliffton. "Come here".

Arianna came closer.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

Then, Cliffton put out his cigarette.

"I saw you in there. Still the same woman after what we've been through. I went away for you. I moved out from here because of you. I fucked everything just to forget you. And now you're here, standing in front me as my ex-girlfriend. I wish I am dreaming right now. Dazzling Arianna, you grab my attention tonight."

"I want to go home, Cliff. Until we meet again", said Arianna.

But before she walked,

Cliffton held her hand,

And looked into her eyes so deep.

"Just because I laugh, it doesn’t mean my life is easy. Just because I have a smile on my face, it doesn’t mean that something is not bothering me. I just choose to move on, and not dwell on my feeling for you. People change. Feeling changes. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true or real. It simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart. Just because you’re mad at me, it doesn’t mean I stop loving you."

"Cliffton", said Arianna.

"You're the one who went away. You're the one who moved out away from here. Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things. It means you have to accept what happened, free yourself out of the past, learn from the mistakes you have done, and continue living. Just because something ends, it doesn't mean it never existed. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean two people stopped loving each other. We just stopped hurting each other."

Cliffton didn't say a word.

Arianna rushed to her car,

Turned on the engine,

And left Cliffton alone.

A Cautionary Tale.

"Listen to me, Dog. I would never go any further than this. I always in for the kill, so you can count on me. We're the apex predator here, Dog. We're ready to blow some shits this morning. Yeah, call me a serial killer then I'll blow your head off. Two years after this, meet me in Italy. Good food and red wine, geez, I'm gonna dine like an Italian. Or meet me in Brazil. The country has no extradition treaty with our country. Man, I'll be worshiping those Brazilian girls! Well, I've been away too long. I need to go home. Home is where the answer is. I need to see my boss ass bitch. And one thing, there's no honorable way to kill, Dog. No gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war, except its ending."

"Yeah, you've seen the worst, Smoke. You watched your commander calmly shot your brothers down and burned their bodies. It was something. It was a good shot. It was unbelievable. You're tired. You need to throw away all of your guns and invite all the jokers from the North and the South to make you laugh. You've been conveying pain and fear. When you start considering who really are the leads in the game, it's the people you see the most, doing all the saving, the planning with that fancy moves. But it's all yours. You did a very good job. You had the chance to make things right."

"Ha, you right, Dog. You see, chances don't always mean a happy ending. Sometimes, it's just another shot to end things right. God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best. I got you, Dog, the best sniper in the galaxy. Now, face the reality. The war isn't over yet. For me, it hasn't even started yet. Keep on reloading your shit, Smoke. Kill those suicide bombers. Tell Drums and M.K to bomb the town right away. I'll go now."

"Aye, Smoke, copy that. Be ready..."

My Notes From The Ocean Floor.

I have lived through many ages,

Through the eyes of a child, an eagle, and a wolf.

I have seen so many people invading my mind,

And destroying all in search of love.

I have seen the beauty inside me thriving in a fragile heart.

I have seen myself suffering in the darkness.

I have seen so many loving faces,

Turning back with regret.

When I met you in a hopeless place,

I felt strange.

It wasn't you.

But you succeed.

I've been crying in my sleep almost every night.

Ten months,

I've been missing someone for ten months.

My precious one, my man.

He breathes a fresh vitality into a familiar sound,

He helps me to create an atmosphere that is wistfully remembered.

He's the water thats runs down the river to the sea, over and over again.

He's my Atlantic ocean.

There are times when I am so deeply involved to our relationship,

And I completely lose my sense of self.

I swim so deep into him and forget where and who I am.

Then I come up for air like a deep sea diver.

I love you.

I won't give up that easy.

I will walk through the forest to find you.

To find happiness, in the summer air.

Sea of Voices.

Do you ever feel so tired,
You just want to sit there,
Sighing,
And end up everything?

Do you ever feel,
What you've been doing are useless?
You didn't get the point,
And you're like, "Fuck it, I give up"?

Yes.
I was like, "Fuck this shit, fuck you, I'm leaving".
He was there, in front of me,
He was starring at me like a hungry baby.

I was like, "I am not that kind of woman".
"I am not that cranky bitch who wants everything".
But you were like, "I don't care".
"I just want to be with you".

I begged him to open his mind wider.
He said, "I did".
"I always do".
"But it always been you".

I asked him to go away.
And he said, "Do I really need to go?"
"You can drive me away, but you will never can move my heart".
"You cannot erase the feeling for a woman who changed your life".

"Are you the boy who has been living with me for almost a year?", I asked.
He didn't smile.
"I am the boy you love".
"I am the boy who will regret if I let you walk away from me".

"I am the boy who loves to see you happy", he said.
"I am the boy who sacrifices his time for his girl".
"I am the boy who guards you wherever you go".
"I am the boy, who looks after you even when you're gone".

"Don't ever give up on me. I love you. I love to see you. I love the way you think. I love the way you protect me. You are worth to look after. Falling in love with you is like coming home to a place I didn't realize I'd been missing all my life. You're the only person I've ever known who accepts me for who I am, right in this moment, faults and all, and isn't waiting for me to become someone else. Even though you're an independent woman and you don't need a companion, I am very grateful you're here. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. You belong to me. You could do anything you wanted with me and I would let you. You could ask anything. My heart tells me this is the best and the greatest feeling I have ever had. All night I've watched you sleeping, I've never seen anything more beautiful and I keep thinking of the life we could have in the future. No, you didn't trick me to love you. It was me and my curiosity back then. Don't leave me, even for a minute. Because you're a woman that I will always admire and I will lost without you".

Why?

Those days are gone.

I wish I could rewind.

I wish I could make things better.

I wish I were there.

And now, my brothers are all gone.

I miss their laughter,

I miss their smiles.

Why did you guys do this to me?

I remember when I locked up myself in your room,

Because your little brother rambled aimlessly.

And you knocked the door and told me that it was you.

I opened the door and you brought me a double cheeseburger with fries.

Another story, when we were on the road together.

I was hungry and I couldn't take it.

Then you stopped at McDonald's and told me that I can have everything I want.

So we bought a lot of food, like, lot of fries, burgers, and five ice creams.

Memories, it hurts.

I love you, so much.

But death did us apart.

And now I'm walking alone. 

God, why did you take them away from me?

What Are You Thinking? How Are You Feeling? What Have We Done To Each Other? What Will We Do?

Dear Mr. Gregory,

If you keep asking, "What's going on?",

I suggest you to shut up.

You already knew what's going on,

But you didn't ask.

Second, if you keep asking, "What's wrong with you?",

You are one of my problems.

And yes, you already knew what's wrong with me.

You suck at that.

Third, if you keep asking, "What happened?",

Fuck you.

It's too late to ask.

Where the hell were you?

Fourth, if you ask, "So, what is the point of me in your life?",

Fuck you and your brain.

You only do what you want to do.

And the point is, you don't even pay attention.

Fifth, if you say, "I tried my best but what I did is always wrong in your eyes",

Did we ever discuss about what we did to another?

Did it suit us well?

You just stood there and watched.

Sixth, if you say, "I'm sorry about what happened. I love you",

Fuck with it.

You let me down,

And maybe I don't believe in 'L' word right now.

Seventh, if you ask, "Now, what do you want?"

I want to have a deep sleep.

If you think you can handle my and still want to go for it,

Go ahead, suit yourself.

Eighth, if you ask, "What if I can't?"

Well, I guess it's a perfect time for you to leave.

I don't need someone who cannot understand my feeling.

I don't need a Prince Charming, but I need a knight.

Ninth, if you ask, "What do you want most?",

I want you to look into my eyes deeply,

And tell me what do you see.

Save me.

Last, if you ask, "Do you love me?"

I love you and it's more than 'I love you'.

But, can we come together equally?

It depends on you.

They Want Me Dead.

I'm tired.

Literally tired.

I keep getting a lot of pressure,

And no one could help.

Everyday,

I woke up at 7 AM,

Go to work,

And sometimes, I ended up in the next morning.

I work really hard.

I've been handling another things at work too.

And it's fucking ridiculous.

This place is hell.

I've been facing a lot of things too at home.

One loves to yell, other is unreliable.

I can't even have a proper rest here.

This place is a mess.

I can't handle the pressure.

They just fuck me right on my face.

No one could help.

Or maybe, no one cares.

Oh, and my loved one doesn't understand, I guess.

He didn't pay attention.

He didn't ask what's going on.

Back to his nature, well, he's that kind of person.

And another pressure is checking in.

They say I should go on to the next level.

Yes, marriage.

Yes, fuck with that.

Back in the days,

I really want to get married when I was twenty something.

But now, maybe it's just a joke.

How can you get married if your loved one has no interest in it and feel rush about it?

I'm tired.

This place is hell.

My life is a mess.

And my loved ones don't understand.

I need to go on by myself.

I won't ask them to understand or feel the pressure inside me.

But I want them to see,

What kind of animal I have become if I give up.

I don't need help.

I don't need your arms.

I don't need your tears.

All I need is life, and air to breathe.

Leader of The Pack.

Hit me.

Bring me down.

Push me.

Slap my face.

Hurt my heart.

Stab my eyes.

Slit my throat.

Break my leg.

I won't give up.

Do me.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Son of Dís, Lasto Beth Nîn, Tolo Dan Nan Galad.

From the first time I saw him,

Something was stuck here in my mind.

He's different,

So different.

He wasn't like the others.

He protects,

He has a beautiful eyes,

And loves to smile.

Until a dagger struck his heart.

I ran to him.

I don't know why,

But I was afraid.

Afraid If he didn't make it back to the light.

I ran faster.

I remember the time when he gazed up at me,

And shared his own memory to me.

He said he promised his mother to come back home.

And I remember when he laid unconscious a few days ago.

Yes, he was so close to death.

Suddenly, he starred at me,

And said, "You cannot be her".

It's like my heart stopped for a moment.

He wasn't truly recognizing the reality around him,

Perhaps he thought that it was just a dream.

But he looked so serious and painful.

"She is far away, far away from me", he said.

"She walks in starlight in another world. It was just a dream".

Then he reached my hand, and asked,

"Do you think she could have loved me?"

I ran as fast as I could.

I cannot lose him, no, I can't.

He could have me,

Nor in here, or in another world.

I reached his hand.

He wasn't breathing.

No, no, no,

For the sake of your mother and the Elves, please, breathe.

Don't go.

He didn't say a word.

His heart stopped beating.

No more great despair.

He went away to the light.

The wind seemed to understand.

It was helping me to convey the sense of loss and longing inside of me.

My eyes hurt.

And my tears fell on his chest.

If this is love, I don't want it.

There is no love in my heart. 

Please, somebody, take it away,

Please.

Why?

Why do I grieve?

Why do I mourn?

Why does it hurt so much?

Because I didn't say the word.

Because I already have.

Because my love for him was genuine.

Because, it was real.

The Lonely Dolphin.

Why the hell the world is so cruel?

I am here to live my life,

To love and to run,

Why the hell am I here in this place?

People come and go,

They brought happiness,

And then leave.

What do you want from me?

I can't breathe.

I can't run.

This room is too small.

How dare you do this to me?

If only I was born as perfect as you,

I would give myself a proper place to live.

I would travel around the world,

I would die in peace.

Let the sea welcomes me with open hands.

Let me swim through the waves.

Let me chase what I want to chase.

Let me go.

Please, hear me.

I don't belong here.

I don't belong to you.

Let me feel alive.

Wave After Wave.

It has been raining since Monday,

And I am lying down on my bed,

Alone,

And daydreaming.

I'm translating you into a musical form.

Yes, because you're my own personal music library.

It's like you're singing from a distance.

Whispering something, about someone.

Dear God,

Let me breathe him for a long time.

He's easy to love,

Because he's loveable.

Maybe he'll never know,

Because I never showed.

And maybe I'll never know,

Because he never showed.

I want to feel my heart against yours now.

I want to sing you a lullaby,

I want to cook something for your breakfast,

I want a miracle.

Now, come here.

Put your ear on my chest,

Listen, and tell me,

That we are through.