Mourning Dakota.

Good morning, sleepyhead.

Wake up,

open your eyes.

Are you listening?

I've a story to tell.

So, I met this boy.

A clever boy, a special one,

and I can't say 'no' to him.

But,

he has problems.

He doesn't know how to love himself.

No, he refused to.

He's clueless,

to how this world works.

He fell hard and fast for his 'wants',

and he forgot to think about his 'needs'.

He doesn't know why he feels this way. 

He hates who he is.

He tore his heart open once, that easy,

and he did it on purpose.

He can't point out his own problems.

He can't respect his own body.

He repressed his feelings,

in order not to feel ashamed or guilty.

The boy is so fucking hard to read, isn't he?

Well, he was,

and he will never know why and how.

He refused to know.

One morning,

When the sunlight hit his face,

I knew it in one glance,

that God already took him away from me.

All I kept thinking about over and over was,

"Why?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Why did you do that to your mother and your brothers?"

The boy slammed his subconscious against his bones,

and spent all over the world waiting to end his own life.

His mind made him suffered.

His vision told him to die.

I bet the boy would say,

"Who knew the world would turn out so different?"

And I bet he would smile,

like, "See? I've been walking the right path."

Now, open your eyes wider, sleepyhead.

It's time to face the truth,

that you're alive,

and blessed.

Once again, 

good morning.

Bedazzled.

The boy never failed to amaze me.

He's still the inquisitive guy I've come to cherish and love.

His eyes, his hands, his movement,

are my favorites.

It's been months.

I am grateful that I could still smell his perfume on my clothes.

I am grateful that he's the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep.

I am grateful that he's still here.

When you love someone,

you put your needs before your own.

No matter how much it makes you feel,

even if it rips yourself into pieces.

I never thought I could have someone like Noah in my life.

I never thought I would spend my days looking at him like crazy.

I never thought I would be in love with someone like him,

and I never thought that he would love me back.

My feeling is genuine,

and I hope it would last.

If you ask how I could be so certain,

the answer is, "I guess I would never know why."

Honestly,

I don't know why I had to fall with someone who's more stubborn than I am.

There will be no beginning and no end for this,

because I wold hold you, without fear, without doubt.

Allow me to walk inside your head.

Allow me to live there in your mind.

Let me help you through everything.

Let me hear you, let me listen.

My Dear Boy Noah.

I love you.

Do these words get through?

Huh?

It's not enough for you?

Feel it.

Let your feeling travels.

Through you veins,

to your heart.

Darling,

I'm listening.

You matter to me.

You mean that much to me.

How can I help you get through these?

Your complicated mind,

your ego.

I would save you from yourself.

I won't give up on you,

even though you break me the hardest.

I won't let you go,

even though we're both old and gray.

Do you think it's easy to see you in this condition?

I wish you could feel me.

It's like, my eyes are going to explode.

I'm shaking, I swear.

"If I love someone, I would fall hard for her," you said.

Darling, believe me.

I would fall harder.

I would scream louder.

I hope you're doing fine.

I hope it's not a lie.

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Because I'll be the love I never received.

Blistered.

I am a complicated woman.

I frequently hold back my tears.

I frequently refuse to take a step forward.

I put others first too often.

I thought it was fair.

I thought I understand.

I thought you understand.

But it's just me and my imagination, right?

I am inflammable.

I hate it when things don't go my way.

I hate it when people gave me a silent treatment.

I hate it when people choose to run away from their problems.

Do you know me?

Hell, I don't even know who I am.

Do you need me?

If don't, stay the way out of me.

Do you love me?

Do I need an answer?

Words are stronger than body language,

do you even know?

I've been telling myself from day one,

that you could wreck my heart anytime you want,

that I could break my own heart in no time.

Did I listen? Fuck, no.

See?

I'm not part of your eagerness.

I'm bleeding.

I'm not yours to test.

I hurt so bad back then.

I fucked so many people that day.

I won't show you, I won't brag about it.

But, please, listen to me.

This is not your world only, love.

I live there.

Resurrect me,

for now I am lost in my own dreams.

Would you help me?

But you can't help yourself.

Fuck "ours",

I don't even know who the hell I am to you.

Broken Bones.

He sits there.

He's one of those men who sit in a very dark room,

waiting to come out,

to see the sun, the clouds, and his home.

I feel him.

The sense of some unpredictable force that might break loose,

his quiet sense of something lost,

I can feel it.

Maybe he's not intend to make me love him.

But he fixed my broken bones,

devoured my anger and my anguish,

and hold my heart like he holds a grudge.

I feared him once,

I feared he'd reject me once and for all.

I did, I saw the damage.

But, does it matter?

We shared the same feelings.

The feeling of guilt,

related to emotion of anxiety.

Why?

We'll never know the answer.

We realized that even though everything else is different,

even though there's still an ocean or desert between us,

nothing really important has changed at all.

Up on the rooftop,

under the darkest sky of the night,

without the ache between us,

what were we made of?

I feel like, I'm in a good shape right now.

because I keep looking for him,

I keep searching for his face,

as if he were misplaced.

Who is he?

The guy who could wreck me anytime he wants,

the guy who told me not to fall for him,

the guy who let me love him sincerely.

At the End of October.

I lost my father last October.

It was scary.

It was like,

I lost everything.

I wish I could have another conversation with him for hours.

We loved to talk about things,

about how cruel world could be.

Yes, we loved to share our thoughts.

He was a soft guy.

A loving father,

a gentle father,

a man so patient I could cry on.

He was not that type of guy who shouts when he was angry.

He didn't like to talk in a high note.

He didn't talk when I was angry.

He preferred to scream in silence.

I'm a hard person to handle.

But he made me easy to love.

I had anger issues,

and he showed how to control myself.

He knew his daughter noticed everything.

So he acted like nothing happened.

He knew his daughter had problems.

So he gave himself to talk about her daughter's favorite things.

He was different.

That's why I love ocean and sea mammals.

He's the reason why I love dinosaurs,

and sci-fi movies.

He loved his wife,

he loved his kids.

We were everything to him.

So did him.

He taught me everything.

He showed everything.

He answered every question.

He loved me that much.

If I could whisper in his ear,

And say, "I love him you so much,"

I would do it every day,

Until his ear bleeds.

But he left already.