Another Rainy Day.

"I'm not asking you to open your heart for me or tell me everything about your life, but we walk this together through the good and the bad and I don't want to know you only from the outside. I want to know you from the inside, yes, I need to know. Don't ask me how to open your heart or what should you say, but your heart has to speak up. You said you really want to say everything to me, but if you keep asking how, you'll never know how. You're the only one who knows yourself, in and out. I believe that someday, you'll tell me everything until your throat bleeds and so does my ears. I believe you will show your true colors, even I already know it. I believe we could live happily ever after."

-Aarjun, Venice, 2014.

Concrete Angel.

Another day,

Another concrete wall to make.

It's not about my reputation,

But it's all about the aching heart.

The feelings that hurt,

The emotions that stings,

The longing for impossible things,

The desire and the world’s existence,

Not everything's perfect,

Especially in the beginning.

I ran out in the woods,

And I began to cry.

Those regrets become part of who I am,

Along with everything else.

I've been spending my time trying to change that,

But it's like swimming in the flood.

There are no reasons about what happened back then.

It happened like that, period.

I've been given a second chance to start my life over,

And I threw that opportunity away.

At least I tried.

I tried to be honest with myself.

I tried to stay calm,

Yet it was pointless.

If only I could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage I made,

If only I could carry my scars with me,

If only I could trade all those memories for a brand new life,

God, I think too much.

Suddenly,

I found myself remembering how on one night,

I started from nowhere in search of happiness.

It was good... Really good.

It's 02:34 now.

I won't recall,

I won't close my eyes.

I will let my eyes burn to ashes.

"And We Wept That One So Lovely Should Have A Life So Brief." -William Cullen Bryant.

Wednesday, 29th October 2014 - 03:12 AM.

I can't sleep.

I've been daydreaming since two hours ago,

Until I realized that my subconscious is talking,

About the loss of my loved ones.

It has been three and two years,

That two of my inspirations left me to a place I cannot follow.

No, I'm not mourning for them right now,

It's just, I'm looking back on this moment of my life as such a sweet time of grieving.

My heart was broken back then.

I can't move on, all I did was mourn and cry and be done with it.

But yes, my life was changing.

Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time.

I was like,

I wanted to walk to where you sleeps,

But I shall go on,

Living this life without you two.

Years go by,

And now it's 2014.

If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels.

That you couldn't live for very long without a heart.

When you lose someone you were close to,

You have to paint a new picture of the world and your place in it.

I was wrapped up with the deceased,

So, the more difficult the loss.

No one could ever replace the boy in my life back then.

I'm not saying that the new one has to be like him, no.

But I'm in searching of that kind of figure,

A figure, who protects.

This is my own rhythm of suffering,

A deep hole of ache,

A bitter agony,

From a woman named "Ezekiel".

Welcoming A New Heartbeat.

I was looking outside my window last night,

When this thought came and blurred my vision.

About you, about us, about them,

About everything in front of my life.

I burst in tears.

For a minute, I began regretting what happened in the past.

But should I?

So I stopped.

I am a brave woman, I guess.

I love my past,

I love what had happened in my past,

Because of it, I won't be a woman today.

My old memories will always stay.

I won't erase. Can you?

Memories became lessons,

That I have to learn and understand.

Now I'm welcoming a new heartbeat in me.

I've got some things I need to see,

To learn, to feel, to understand, to hold, and to be grateful,

As a human.

Keep breathing.

Keep holding on.

Keep on walking.

Keep on loving.

Goddess of The Breeze's Letter: Cold Air in the Early Morning.

Dear Gavriélle,

Those eyes describe what my hearts desires,

Of finding home geographically and spiritually,

And all the emotions that come with this, high & low.

Gavriélle,

I can feel the resonance of your voice in the air.

Your restless voice leads me to a wonderfully intimate and rich depth of sound,

And the result? A stunning structure and tone.

My Gavriélle,

Is it appropriate to disarm the beauty inside you?

Your color transforms into a colorful Aurora,

It translates to a beautiful music form.

Gavriélle,

Hear my beating heart,

Swimming in sweet currents of blue,

Reverberating textures,

You are a melody that goes with the flow.

Hold my hands, feel my veins,

You live there in my blood, drowning,

It's like, there’s a sixth sense that you are always around,

Waiting to enter my life though you already did.

Melodies change,

Your brain rapidly picks up speed, 

And the full beauty is uncovered.

You turn yourself towards the light.

You are my home in the light,

Making it impossible to see its source.

Because you are able to live life to the full and harvest an emotional response,

Even though you were composed so long ago.

You are an exploration of my faded memories.

A unique instrumental,

With a certain nostalgia and melancholy,

You are a music to me.

Thank you, for creating this feeling elegantly.

Thank you, for being a man who has a deep emotional attachment with your woman.

Thank you, for being here.

Thank you, for loving.

I fell for you like autumn leaves.

I love you like a perfect set of orchestrated sounds that is almost impossible to recreate,

Ever-fascinating to listen to.

Please, hold this moment now and forever.

You are Gelos, the spirit of laughter,

Because you divine personification of it.

Don't be afraid of my scars,

Because I've been trying to describe the way it feels,

That I finally, I finally found a person like you.

Airwaves.

When you love,

It seems like no one else is around.

All the wrongs inside your head,

You take it all and you make them right.

The pain,

The misery,

You put it behind those walls,

You hide it all.

This heart is so caring.

Like, it always there for you,

To tell you I care,

And show you how life could be.

Can you feel it?

How life takes you by surprise?

It's like, your feeling spreads throughout the room,

It blurs your vision.

You give me a heart to honor.

Together, we let the fear comes and goes.

And together, we feel the heat from our brains.

We move away, to a better place.

This, is an intimate relation of truth.

We will get through it fast,

To enjoy the new youth inside us,

To protect something beautiful.

I love you and I care.

I am proud to stand next to you.

Now, breathe, softly,

We are in the same airwaves.

Earth's Music.

Voices,

Prayers,

Love,

You.

Hearts,

Cries,

Holding hands,

You.

Laughter,

Eyes to eyes,

Kisses,

Those are always come back to you.

You,

Who's sitting over there reading this,

My all,

My muse.

You are a beautiful floating tone,

A warm breath to breathe,

A drifting dream in the air,

A heart full of longing.

Don't ever change.

Keep on loving me like this.

Don't go, don't you dare.

Keep on missing me like there is no tomorrow.

One Day, Three Autumns.

Dear Gianluca,

Do you remember those happy days,

When you took me out of town,

Only to spent more time with me?

I know you were very sleepy.

Do you remember the story I told you,

Inside my car, at the hospital,

I cried and you looked so embarrassed,

I love you.

Do you remember all those times,

Every second we spent together,

You always make me feel like I am the main priority in your life,

The first on your list?

You fit perfectly against my chest.

I really appreciate and adore you without restraints,

And I hope you realize your importance not only to me,

But to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you.

What? Why I adore you?

You have time for me,

That's the most important.

And I hope that will never change.

Do you know,

When I care about someone,

I will always give my time even though I am busy.

And I always care for a very long time.

I will marry you today and everyday.

I will marry you heart, your soul, every inch of your skin, your voice, your heartbeat, your mind, your strenghts and your weaknesses, every little detail in you,

And your eyes, that sleepy gaze from yours,

I will respect you.

"One day, three autumns",

A Chinese idiom that is used when you miss someone so much,

Like one day feels like three years,

And yes, I feel it everyday.

A Ghost With A Beating Heart.

Here I am, sitting on my bed,

My face looks terrible, like I just saw a dead body under my bed.

I've been thinking about something that I shouldn't be thinking about.

A thought, that leads me to a dream.

I saw you.

My favorite boy was there, sitting on the couch.

And I saw myself,

Standing in front of him, crying.

It's like I was trying to convince you about something.

It's like, I was begging, like a child,

I was begging you to not to leave,

But you won't listen and you shook your head.

I know,

That moment will come.

And I don't like that part.

I don't want that part in my story.

What if, one day, you refuse to love anything?

What if, one day, you stop catching me when I fall?

What if, one day, you let me go and you're not regret it?

What if it happens? What should I do?

Do you know,

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest,

From hearing something or seeing something that breaks your heart?

I'm feeling it while I'm writing this down.

There will come a time,

When he stops fighting for you,

When he stops asking where the hell are you,

When he wants to go far away from you,

When he wants to have your throat cut,

When you beg him to not to go but he insists that he has to,

When you say you love him and he doesn't want to love you back,

When he sees you like you're just somebody he used to know,

When he looks at you and feels absolutely nothing.

Please,

Tell me that this is unreal.

Tell me that I was having a bad dream.

Convince me, that you're not going to leave me.

My Love For Gaza.

Dari satu ibu kami berdua menarik nafas,

Membuka lebar kedua mata,

Menyaksikan saudara kami dilahap rasa benci berupa api,

Dan hancur tanpa nama.

Ledakan demi ledakan menyayat keberanian saudara-saudara kami,

Nyawa mereka hanya untuk balas dendam,

Untuk ego yang tidak akan pernah padam,

Untuk lautan tubuh penuh debu dan darah.

Perlukah alasan?

Perlukah pertumpahan darah?

Air mataku untuk Gaza,

Tidak akan pernah mengering.

Biarkan anak-anak kami bernafas dan melihat indahnya perdamaian,

Biarkan para lelaki memimpin keluarganya,

Biarkan para ibu menebar cinta,

Biarkan saudara-saudara kami hidup.

Peluru bukan jawaban untuk memenuhi keinginanmu.

Hentikan sumpah serapahmu,

Dan penuhi langit dengan doa dari agamamu,

Kumohon, jangan leburkan tanah bumiku.

Jangan pernah tutup matamu dengan kebencian.

Cintaku untuk Palestina,

Cintaku untuk Israel,

Saudara-saudaraku, bertahanlah.

Before You Hear The Sound of The Ocean Again With Me.

I can't sleep.

My heart needs something, a medicine,

His arms, his eyes,

That point of feeling blue for him.

I can't find you.

I crawl, I run,

I will chase your shadow to the end,

But it's nowhere to be found.

I am here,

Sitting alone in the darkness,

Missing someone,

Missing an arm.

I will pull you close.

I won't let go.

Minutes feel like hours,

Days feel like years.

It's like you're so far away.

It's like you're standing on the horizon,

But not alone,

And not lonely.

They say when you are missing someone,

That person is probably feeling the same.

But I don't think it's possible for him to miss me,

As much as I'm missing him right now. 

That's how you know you love someone, I guess.

When you can't experience anything,

Without wishing the other person were there to see it too,

It's something special.

It's like, I can't discover you.

It's like, I've been looking for you the entire time.

It's like, I'm not paying enough attention.

It's like, I can't find you in my head.

It's like,

Missing someone and not being able to see the person you miss is the worst feeling ever.

Even when he's right beside you,

You're still missing him anyway.

Twilight Sun.

06:24 AM

Still sleepy,

And my head is heavy.

I look to my right,

And he's still sleeping.

06:42 AM

Still watching him sleep.

He looks tired,

Looks like he's having a deep sleep.

What a beauty.

07:31 AM

I fell asleep,

And he's still sleeping.

I lay my head on his chest,

He's not moving.

07:44 AM

Still listening to my favorite song all the time,

His heartbeat, it beats softly.

He's moving,

He hugs me and go back to sleep.

08:19 AM

I wonder,

Could we end up like this every morning,

Starting today?

I'm in love with this moment.

08:26 AM

I wish I could give him more time,

I wish I could love him more than this,

I wish his arms always warm when he hugs me,

I wish his eyes would never turn away from mine.

08:37 AM

He breathes softly,

It's like, his burdens disappear.

I stroke his forehead and his head fondly,

Kissing his forehead is my new hobby now.

08:48 AM

I wish the clock stop ticking for a while.

I don't want this moment comes to an end.

He's my favorite view,

My twilight sun.

09:20 AM

He opens his eyes.

He touches his eyes and yawns,

He looks at me.

And he smiles.

I love the feeling when I see someone I love is sleeping.
And the moment when he opens his eyes to the world.
It's like, you're seeing a beautiful scenery,
And it's far more important than to see your own reflection in the mirror.

Because I don't want to miss every moment when we were together.

Because I cannot predict what will happen tomorrow.

Because our time is precious.

And he's the reason why.

06:12 AM, the next day

I open my eyes.

I'm breathing softly,

And I look to my left.

My baby is still sleeping.

Out of The Blue.

I am hearing nothing but the beat.

Yes, I am hearing a song from a beating heart.

A song, a chant, a melody,

And no one in the world could hear it except my ears.

I see what people don't want to see.

I see pain, I see love, I see tears, I see fear,

I see you,

Yes, I can see right through you.

I understand why people refuse to understand.

I understand you, your needs, and your wants.

And I know you will shake your head like that.

I am capable enought to make you happy.

People judge and point their fingers to me.

I don't give a single shit.

Fuck you woman, you're just being too 'female',

And I am a woman who balances my thoughts and feelings.

People deserve to be hurt.

People need to experience pain and hatred.

Then, they will realize,

That they have done it before a long time ago.

I wrote my own story.

I shot and edit my own movie.

Those are my photographs,

And I'm going to make another million tomorrow.

I deserve to be happy and to be grateful.

I love the man who's in love with me now.

I'm sharing my left eye with him,

And we're going to make another movie.

Can you see what I see?

Can you hear what I hear?

Can you feel what I feel?

I dare you to do it.

Because You're A Sky Full of Stars.

I am so in love.

No,

Too in love,

In love with the feeling behind this blindness.

Do you ever feel loved?

Do you ever feel too in love with someone?

Have you ever loved someone without saying 'love'?

It's beautiful, isn't it?

I left my hurts behind,

I love with a love that is more than love,

Because I learned to give and receive like an open window,

Then, I love some more when I'd rather hold on tight.

His arms feel like home.

He loves without knowing how, when, or from where.

Mine is so simple, without problems or pride,

And yes, that made "us".

I never expected this story before.

Mine wasn't that sensitive.

Then he came with patience and attention,

And my heart sang my favorite song.

Can you see how I feel?

Can you see how happy I am to love someone?

Eventhough things will never be enough,

I will keep on loving because he deserves it.

I miss my man now more than ever.

Precious time? It is so rare that I don't even want to blink.

Why?

Because he's a sky full of stars.

When She Loves You.

When you're angry and frustrated,

When you're hurt and in tears,

When you're having a bad day and need to lash out,

When there is something on your mind that you need to say,

When you're lost in confusion,

When your scared and frightened,

When you are full of worries,

When the place where you are at is approaching the rock at the bottom,

That's when you need me, right?

But I won't be there,

Never.

On the Wing, On the Run.

In life,

We have secrets,

Things we regret,

Dreams we can't reach,

And a love that we will never forget.

Our lives are normal.

We are only human.

We made happiness,

We made mistakes.

I never said that you were my mistake.

You came for a reason,

I let you in for a reason,

It was normal.

And came the day you went away.

Until today,

Still I don't know why you left.

You haven't told me the reason why you went away.

It doesn't matter anymore.

I won't ask.

I will never look back at you.

Unless, I am planning to go that way.

Don't wake me up.

Let me dream.

So I won't weep when I return to my bitter reality,

Missing you, like I always wanted to.

I have loved and been loved.

And I know,

All I love is love,

And someone I love is going to be taken away.

I wanted to tell you everything.

Maybe, we could have lived differently.

Maybe, I could have loved you more.

Maybe, I could be there with you now instead of here.

If only I could said,

"I am so afraid of losing someone I love that I refuse to love anything",

Maybe, that would have made the impossible possible.

But I couldn't do it, and here I am, instead of there.

Or maybe,

You are a person who can never stay,

Who can never accept my offer of companionship for more than a little while,

A person, who loves to walk away.

You could go forward in your life without ever looking back over your shoulder,

And wondering what might have been.

Now, go.

And let me go.

I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

Until There Was You.

I'm sorry.

I should have kept you closer.

I should have watched you nicer.

I should have loved you better.

You're still the one that I adore.

And I guess I will always adore you that way.

The one and the only,

The way you are.

Your paths are straight.

You don't live in our dreams anymore.

What is ours is not ours anymore.

And now my heart is open to love and regret.

I'm reminiscing the moment we made.

What I'm wishing right now is to have nother figure to hold,

Someone who loves to talk, another similar figure like you.

Yes, someone who doesn't exist.

Outside in the morning air,

You've known the times that you've lived and died.

You heard the soundtrack of your future.

You ran to it and left me behind.

You didn't include me there in your future.

It's okay now,

It doesn't matter anymore.

It's good for you though.

I am not good enough.

We're different but that's not a big deal for me.

Well maybe, for you.

Fuck this shit.

Once again,

I am sorry that I came.

I ruined your life.

It won't happen again.

"Because all of me loves all of you and all your perfect imperfections"

Under the Starry Sky of Her Imagination, She Dances of A Journey.

Dear you,

Who lives so far away,

I miss you now more than ever.

I miss you like hell.

Have you ever wondered what it could be like,

Back in the day when I was too selfish, 

You were after nothing I could give,

And we're not always what we promised to be.

Have you ever wondered what it could be like, 

Back in the day when you tried to reach me,

There's nothing there,

And we are better off this way.

Maybe,

I should have held you tighter,

I should have treated you better,

I should have loved you from a distance.

I loved you,

More than anyone else could ever know.

But you left,

And I've never been one to beg you to not to.

And now, there's nothing left for me to do.

I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away.

I miss your voice, that laughter,

I loved you and could that be enough?

And now there's silence,

It's been too long since I've heard from you.

And now I realize, 

That my heart still belongs to you.

Have a great life out there in Borneo.

Follow your heart,

And yes, you have to sacrifice someone for it.

Now, let me close this book.

I love you.

Wherever you are,

Remember, there's still a space in my heart that will always belong to you.

I miss you, more than you'll ever know.