Sunday, August 25, 2013

This War Is Yours.

Think again, Atilla.
What will you do if it happens?
You won't say a word.
You love him.

I know that he could turn you out into a better person.
He could make you smile.
He has almost everything that you always want.
He has that eyes.

But would you face the same old shit like you did back then?
Could he be like one of us?
Could you guarantee your future with him?
Would you face the differences one more time?

You have to think more than twice, Atilla.
You don't want to fail yourself, don't you?
Think what's best for you first.
Think about your heart.

I know that you believe miracle does exist.
I know that you believe he would turn himself in for you.
I know that you love to gamble for your future.
But could you take the risk?

I won't see you cry like that again, Atilla.
You were hurt that days.
You were full of regrets.
Please, be careful for the next step you'll take.

I believe in you.
I believe you are a woman with your words.
I believe you are stronger than ever.
But remember, your heart is not that strong to face this once again.

An Accidental Memory of You.

Gue kesakitan sendiri, Ri.
Pas gue jenguk lo sama Aji.
Gue nggak bisa liat lo, apalagi nyentuh lo.
I can't believe that you were gone.

I didn't get what I deserved, Ri, untuk beberapa tahun terakhir ini. Nggak adil banget kalo gue harus dipisahin sama lo dengan cara yang kayak begini. Nggak adil banget gue gak ngurusin lo saat-saat itu, padahal lo dulu yang ngurusin gue. Nggak adil banget gue nggak sempet punya waktu buat ngobrol sama lo. Gue nggak punya waktu buat minta maaf sama lo. Gue nggak punya waktu untuk bilang kalo gue sayang banget sama lo.

Ngeliat nama lo di batu nisan lo bikin gue salah tingkah. Gue mau nangis banget. But someone told me, kalo gue nangis, gue akan ngeberatin lo. Gue juga nggak mau bikin lo ngerasa gagal, karena lo pernah bilang sama gue kalo gue nangis karena lo, berarti lo gagal jagain gue. Tapi gue nggak bisa bohong. Gue sedih banget, gue kecewa sama keadaan kita waktu itu, gue marah. Semua nyampur jadi satu dan gue nggak tau harus ngeluarin perasaan itu dengan cara apa. Gue kangen banget sama lo, Ri. Sumpah.

Gue kangen digalakin sama lo, Ri. Walopun pas lo ngegalakin gue, gue kesel banget. Gue kangen sama sifat lo yang cuek tapi diem-diem meratiin gue. Gue kangen sama muka judes lo kalo lo jemput gue ke rumah buat dibawa ke rumah lo. Gue kangen sama tangan lo yang pernah nonjok hidung gue sampe berdarah. Gue kangen sama jidat lo yang sering gue tepok. Gue kangen banget.

Inget nggak, pas kita di Puncak? Kita mau pulang, dan pas gue lagi beresin baju dan barang-barang gue, lo tolak pinggang depan gue dan bawelin gue?

"Jaket udah? Alat mandi udah? Hairdryer? Charger? Cincin? Kalung? Harga diri udah?"

Gue cuma iya-iya aja dan lo yang ngingetin gue akan semua barang-barang gue. Pas udah di mobil, lo baru inget kalo jaket sama baju kotor lo ketinggalan. Inget juga nggak, yang lo telepon gue minta gue nemenin lo ngambil ATM? Gue cuma pake kaos sama celana pendek dan cuma bawa dompet, rokok sama handphone. Dan ternyata lo ngambil ATM ke Dago Atas, Bandung. Sumpah, itu nggak jelas banget.

Inget juga nggak, yang lo marahin gue gara-gara gue bolos sekolah soalnya kemarennya kita pergi ampe pagi? Lo telepon ke rumah gue jam 7 pagi dan bunda bilang gue belom bangun. Jam 9 pagi lo nyamperin gue ke rumah, ngebuka kasar pintu kamar gue, narik selimut gue, nyentil hidung gue biar gue bangun.

"Siapa yang nyuruh lo bolos? Gue udah bilang nggak ada bolos-bolosan"

Lo nyecer gue lama banget sampe akhirnya gue minta maaf. Tiba-tiba lo keluar dari kamar gue, turun ke bawah dan balik-balik bawa es krim.

"Nih buat lo. Lain kali nggak ada bolos-bolos. Kalo tau bolos nggak ada pergi-pergi lagi sampe pagi"

Terus lo pulang. Dan bunda bilang sama gue kalo lo minta maaf sama dia karena gue bolos. Dan gue sama bunda ujung-ujungnya cuma ngetawain lo. Lo juga pernah marah sama gue gara-gara gue nggak keluar dari kamar lo seharian dan cuma main GTA San Andreas. Lo marah gara-gara gue udah dibikinin mie rebus buat makan siang tapi nggak gue makan, malah dimakan sama Dida. Lo ngediemin gue waktu itu, sampe akhirnya lo diem-diem bikinin gw chicken nugget terus nyuruh Dida anterin makanannya ke kamar terus suapin gue makan.

Inget juga nggak, yang gue marahin lo gara-gara mobil lo nggak lo cuci dua minggu? Dan banyak baju kotor di mobil lo? Gue cecer lo padahal lo lagi sarapan sambil baca koran waktu itu. Gue kesel lo nggak ngeliat muka gue, malah anteng baca koran. Gue juga bilang sama lo, baju cuci sendiri karena saking keselnya. Pas lo selesai makan, lo nyamperin gue, nyium jidat gue terus lo ke mobil nurunin baju-baju kotor dan lo cuci sendiri, padahal lo nggak ngerti cara nyuci baju itu gimana. Akhirnya gue juga yang ngerjain. Dan pas lo mau pergi cuci mobil, gue nggak ngebolehin lo dan gue nyuruh lo cuci mobil sendiri. Lo nurut aja gitu, akhirnya nyuci sendiri.

Dan gue inget banget pas lo nemuin gue diem-diem ke rumah enek jam 2 pagi sama Mario. Lo meluk gue kenceng banget sampe akhirnya kita nangis bareng. Lo nanya gue apa kabar, lo tanya kenapa tangan gue luka, lo nanya kenapa gue jadi segede mesjid, lo nanya kenapa sekarang gue jadi nggak manja, lo nanya kenapa gue jadi sok imut. Mario sampe terharu.

And the sweetest moment I had with you,
Pas lo nge-handle gue pas enek ninggalin kita semua. Lo yang dorongin kursi roda gue, lo yang nemenin gue seharian di kamar, lo yang ambilin gue makan, lo yang nyuapin gue, lo yang rutin ngasih gue vitamin, lo yang handle gue pas gue terapi jalan. Sampe akhirnya pas lo nyuapin gue dan gue nolak makan terus-terusan, lo nangis.

"Anissa, tolong jangan sakitin gue lagi. Ngeliat lo drop ampe begini itu nyakitin gue, Sa. Gue mohon, makan. Gue nggak mau lo sakit. Tolong, jangan bikin gue gagal jagain lo"

Akhirnya kita nangis berdua dan akhirnya gue makan walopun sedikit. Dan lo cerita sama Mario pas lo ninggalin gue sebentar buat naro piring kotor di dapur.

"Yo, gue ga tega liat dia, Yo. Gue sedih banget. Gue nggak nyangka bakal liat dia duduk di kursi roda dan gue yang dorong kursi rodanya. Gue nggak nyangka bakal ngeliat dia seancur ini. Tapi cuma gue yang bisa handle dia, karena gue tau dia gimana. Gue ga tega, Yo. Gue ngerasa gagal jagain dia"

Tapi Mario nguatin lo dengan bilang lo nggak gagal, lo udah bener. Anissa emang butuh waktu buat settle down, dan lo yang harus nemenin Anissa sampe dia pulih. Karena kaya kata lo, cuma lo yang bisa handle Anissa dan Anissa butuh lo banget untuk semua ini. Mario bener, Ri. Gue butuh lo banget.

Sampe akhirnya lo ngilang dari hidup gue, Ri. Cuma kenangan-kenangan doang yang lo tinggalin. Gue ga percaya orang kaya lo dipanggil Tuhan. Dan gue baru sadar pas gue balik dari tempat lo, gue itu masih butuh figur lo di hidup gue. Dan gue sadar, figur lo harus digantiin sama orang lain.

I love you so much, man.
Maaf ya kemaren gue nggak lama-lama.
Nggak kuat gue.
I love you, brother.
I'll be good.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


Dear Skywalker,
You are so different now.
You conquered the world.
And yes, I admire you so much.

You believe that those hard times will give you a reward.
It did.
Now, you are fully awake.
You are the real you now.

I knew it right from the start.
You will have your own kingdom.
You will rule your body and your soul.
You will pass.

I enjoy the time when we were talking.
When I listened to your stories.
When we laughed.
I felt you into your bones.

I sense something in you.
Fear and that guilty feelings.
But you are proud of yourself.
You injected faith to your body.

Dear Skywalker,
Rule the sky and the entire world.
I know that you are someone who can be proud of.
Now go make some magic.

Keepers of the Faith.

Why are you getting closer?
Why are you here?
What made you come?
What made you here?

I am so sad.
Why did you have to come?
We can't be together.
We are not one.

I know that you are a stone-headed person.
A passionate one,
A boy with a good heart,
But our future won't include us.

We love to ride with the wind.
We are all about speed.
We live to conquer.
You're in the breeze with me.

But why do bunch of things separate us?
Why I have to face this once again?
Should I?
I don't want to sink in the same ocean again.

I need to do my life over.
I don't want you here, there and everywhere.
Please, just don't hurt me.

Call me a selfish woman,
Because I am a woman with my words.
Call me a bitch,
Because I won't lose you that easy.

My heart, my body and my soul deserve another chance.
Mind to heal them and carry them?
Still, we don't know.
I don't know what you've been doing to me so far.

Keep my smile and carry it fondly.
We are the keepers of the faith.
Keep your faith in me and I'll keep yours.
For you to understand and for me to worry.

Another Moment of Fear.

I can feel you from a distance.
I can feel your pain.
I can feel how it hurts.
I can feel you.

Sleeping giants and tarantulas,
Such a weird dream, isn't it?
Then you combine it with the colors of a mountain.
You are so colorful.

I can see what you see.
Yes, you can't take me to your place.
So do I.
I can't bring you here.

It won't work.
We are not that different.
It's just,
You don't believe what I believe.

Some people said that I was defying gravity.
Others said that I was blinding my own eyes.
I was walking alone, leaving footsteps.
I was hiding behind your fear.

You fell for me.
I am so sorry.
I won't live in vain anymore.
I won't make my heart works like crazy anymore.

Now, breathe with me.
In and out, love.
Love me, miss me.
You can't have me.

Fading Clouds.

You're too late.
You weren't there either.
I made my own choice.
And I am here to erase what we had back then.

I didn't blame you.
It wasn't your fault.
I didn't point my finger at you.
Because it wasn't you.

I don't need any kind of help.
Please, help yourself.
I broke a heart once,
And I won't break another.

Such a good weather, isn't it?
I'm forcing my eyes to see the sky right now.
A moment of fear,
An eyes to let go.

I will throw my feeling away to the sky.
I will let it hides.
And someone will find it somehow.
And bring it back to me.

I won't say I won't talk to you.
Or see you.
But I will let my hand waves at you.
I will let you go for the sake of ours.