Monday, March 25, 2013

My Heroine.

I went to my Grandmother's bedroom last night.
And no one is there.

You were here on this bed.
You were here, smiling.
We used to talk.
We used to laughed together.

When you were gone,
My world broke in two.
You left before I said I am sorry for what I have done to you.
You left before reality hurt you.

Glad to see that you are not here right now.
I could kill myself if you're still here.
I won't be able to see you hurt by the facts, again.
Thank you God, You took her to the place where You made her.

Your scent remained here in your room.
Still, I saw your colors spread around your bed.
I won't forget your eyes and your words.
Because you live here, in me.

I am going to say goodbye to this house today.
Your castle holds a million of memories, you know that.
I've been growing up here, with you.
And now, I have to let this one go.

"Goodnight, Grandma! Sleep tight and have a nice dream!"
"You too, Princess. Have a nice dream and don't forget to pray, okay?"
"Yes, Grandma, will do!"
"Pray that our family will be happy forever and after, okay?"
"Always pray for that, Beautiful! Goodnight! Until morning, Beautiful!"
"Until morning, my Princess. Goodnight."

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I Dreamed You Were Smiling, Shifting For Good.

"Jazz, do you know that I am a woman who commits to be faithful anytime and anywhere? I am a brave one, and I am responsible for all the risks that I have done? I don't mind if I have to face a painful truth, at least I tried my best. I am a woman who wants to conquer my fear. Yes, I shall fear no evil. I am a woman with my words. If I want something, I would do anything to get it even though to get it is to break yourself. I know that happiness won't come easily, because we are the ones who create it. I won't give up. But if you give up on it, I will give up on it too. So, if you give up on me, I will give up on me too. I've been disappointed and I've been hurt before, but it won't stop me to find my home. You said that we'll walk through this together but you doubt yourself. You doubted me, you doubted us, you doubted reality. No, I'm not writing any bad things here. It's just, my conscience told me to. And why we can't be friends? Because it'll take time to recover and I appreciate that you agreed to give me some space so I can breathe easily. Boys will always be boys, girls will always be girls. Why we won't talk to you guys after shit happened? Because you don't understand the feeling of losing someone. We are too sensitive for that, and it hurts to hear or read something about you, guys. You will never understand the enormous feeling we have to let go. Girls are all about feeling and boys are all about logic, you know that. Well, you know that I am not good in any kind of goodbye and I hate it, so... See you when I see you. Be good."

-Sajesha, Stockholm.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Fuck This Shit.

And again,

I have to live half alive.
I have to love someone from a distance.
I have to respect the people who took my heart away.
I have to go on with my life.
I have to walk out from my comfort zone.
I have to lose someone who gave me supports.
I have to forget.

Pain on pain on play repeating.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

It's Only Your Shadow.

Now playing: Britney Spears - Shadow

Your body isn't warm anymore.
Those arms are not mine anymore.
You give a little, not a lot.
I love you, but not like this.

I am watching you disappear.
But you were never here.
I cannot keep what is not mine.
But you're gone anyway.

You say it so loud but you sound far away.
It's only your shadow,
Never yourself, nobody else.
You're arriving too late and leaving too soon.

Your body gives but then holds back.
Your heart gives but then your mind holds back.
All I had back then was just a glimpse of your soul and our memories.
All I'm having right now are your name and you as somebody else.

Convincing words,
The feeling of missing someone,
Your shadow,
Those never ending conversations about life,
I am going to leave it all behind.

Look at the horizon,
Chin up.
Don't worry,
He's everywhere.

"Sometimes, two hearts that care for each other are not meant to be together."

Before I Forget.

I don't like this.
The feeling when you wake up,
And your heart beats faster than it used to.
A feeling, you can't deny.

Why I am here?
Starring at the memories I have to erase?
Watching you fade away?

Dear Heart,
I am sorry, I failed you once again.
I am sorry, I have to force you to forget.
I am sorry, that you have to work so hard on this, again.

I swear I want to punch the mirror.
I hate to see myself.
Swollen eyes and broken-hearted face,
I am such a fucker, denying everything.

No, I don't blame you for this.
You're right and I am wrong.
You're good and I am bad.
You're strong and I am weak.

I swear that this won't be easy.
It'll take months to let go.
Because I stop myself to watch the most beautiful dawn in January.

I won't forget what you have taught and told me.
I will remember and I will do it for the sake of my happiness.
My prayer goes to you.
So does the loving arms of mine.

Don't ever try to reach me.
Stop making me cry, don't make me want to keep you in mine.
I love you, just go.

"Dawn, if only I can have the chance to not to give you up, I would do it for you. If only I can have the chance to scream in front of your face to not give up on me, I would scream and fuck everything. Honestly, I don't care if our surroundings hurt me more than ever. But I should think about you, you're not comfortable with that. If only I could keep you in my arms, I would do it. You said that we're going to go through this together, right? But you're not ready. You're not good in this. Thank you, for your attention. Thank you, for the last awesome three weeks at your place. Thank you, for making changes in me. Thank you, for letting me love you and letting yourself love me. Thank you, for reminding me to pray. Thank you, for telling me stories about life. Thank you, for the broken heart. You'll be good, because you already know how."

Dry your eyes, Lucy. Goodbye and take care.

Monday, March 18, 2013

My Prayer of Atonement.

Thank you,
For making me realize.
Thank you,
For letting me see.

If only I could turn back time,
I would leave you as soon as possible.
I wouldn't let you in.
I wouldn't let you touch me.

I should've not said your name.
I should've not called you out.
I should've not asked you things.
I should've not fallen for you.

Now I am here,
Sitting and hurting myself in vain.
Starring at the mess I made.
I should walk away.

I am sorry, my mistakes.
I'm wrong.
Every second I've been doing is all wrong.
Yes, I've been doing you wrong.

I am sad.
Why I have to face this kind of thing again and again?
All I want is a simple kind of story, a lovely one.
No charges, no pain.

Now I am here,
Standing with no confidence.
I am weak for a moment.
I am hurt for what I've been doing.

I will say goodbye.
I will leave it all behind.
I will walk away.
And you will understand.

"Do Not Underestimate the Power of the Dark Side", Says Darth Vader.

I am so fucked up.
I could laugh so fucking hard.
What the hell, what the fuck.
Such a pleasant joke you threw.

The thing I'm going to do next,
Maybe means nothing.
It doesn't mean I give up.
But I do give a shit to it.

I should leave.
Yes, I should let go.
I should give the best.
Leaving you is the best thing I can give.

Maybe we are not belong together.
I am tired.
Tired to face the same shit everyday.
I've beeng fucking all of these shits and I'm feeling full.

Nobody wants to see us together.
I know that.
Insanity leaves among them.
Man, I fed up.

Leaving you doesn't mean I run away from shit.
I am not that lame though I can't be tame.
Maybe they are right,
And we are wrong.

Now go.
Chase your dream.
Love them, like I love mine.
Respect them, like they respect us.

I won't make any trouble.
I will take a good care of myself.
I am fuckin' me and I do what I want to do.
And yea,

Fuck this shit, I'm leavin'.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend.

There are no reasons.
Why I predicted this from a long time ago.
With eyes wide open,
I hate this part right here.

I gave years,
I gave lies,
I gave everything,
And I gave up.

You were my passion.
Now you're a just a lost memories of mine.
You were my protector.
But now you're just somebody else.

I found something.
And I missed it.
Why did I predict this?
Why did I choose?

I left my heartbeat there,
For you to remember.
For you to feel,
That I am hurt for what you've done to me.

I left my pain,
Scattered on the floor.
For you to find,
For you to touch.

My decision is not an option.
What I choose, is what I care about.
I won't let go what I have.
I will love, I will watch.

I'm in love with the life I've been living.
I ran, I fell, I laughed, I cried.
This is my home.
And his life is my home.

His my ornaments of life.
We are the diamonds in the sky.
He's the one who came in my lucid dream.
He's the one, who believes.

I know that I predicted this before.
I know that I am wrong sometimes.
But if I can't have the one I love,
I will love the one I have.

The Boy Who Carries His Favorite Crayons.

Little Ja is humming.
His favorite song, beyond the trees.
Feeling the wind through his body.

His spirit lingers here on this valley.
He says "Hi" to the sky,
Hey, hi back at you.
He's smiling, his colors bursting out from his body.

I wish that I could turn back time.
Back to the place I used to run.
Back to the moment I used to laugh.
Back to the time, I used to love.

Rainbow, wind and clouds.
Birds, dragonflies and ducks.
Sky, sky, sky.
I lived my life happily back then.

Are you done with your humming session?
Now, look at me.
Do you see my colors?
Do you feel my colors?

You're the heart of my ocean.
You keep your things in your head,
You hold nothing back.
No, you're not wrong.

Little Ja is running towards the lake.
Chasing butterfly.
A butterfly I cannot see.
His imagination is stronger than ever.

He's screaming my name.
Asking me to join his imagination.
Let me come, let me in.
Let me fill your world of imagination with love.

Let me do the rest.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Lucy's Confession.


We laughed.
We gave questions,
We gave answers,
We shared.

You're in the moment where I can't resist.
You walk through the wall I made.
You told me to pray.
You hold me in your hands.

Remember when I was sleeping on your bed while you were watching soccer with your friends?
And then you came and stayed for a minutes?
You stroked my hair, you watched me.
I wasn't sleeping, and I held back my tears.

I felt you.
I listened to your heart beat that night.
I heard you breathing.
You were near, so near.

Your beating heart is my elegy.
Your voice and your words are my lullaby.
We are seeing each other under the same pressure.
We are breathing in the same dream in a different place.

If I could just stay a moment in your light,
I'm never afraid if I'm within your sight.
Don't you wait, hearts will come.
Forever will be ours. 

These are the days I'll carry on with my life,
Can I just stand here in your arms for now?
Don't worry, I will stay.
You know I will stay by you, forever.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Humming Little Nacita.

My angel is all grown up.
She looks beautiful.
She has her mother's dimples.
She has her father's face.

I swear to God I really want to watch my princess grows.
I want to teach her how to count to twenty,
How to love somebody.
I want to see how she sees the world with her own eyes.

I want to take her to school.
I want her to wear tutu or a bee costume.
I want to take her to the beach.

And yes, just the two of us.

Your face reminds me a lot with your father.
Your father was my tutor, my guardian, my best friend, my brother before this.
Your father is the best I ever had.
And I am missing him so much right now.

Hey, you there,
I cried when your daughter called me "Bunda".
I want her to have a long black hair like you said.
I want to grow old with her.

But she is not mine.

She belongs to her mother.
She is not my priority.
But I promise myself I will always pray for her.
I wish that she will have a good life and a good attitude.

Back to mine,
My priorities now are my life, my thesis, my works,
And this boy who decided to live with me.
And dearest, my prayer will always goes to you.

I know it hurts to see her grow without you by her side.
I know it hurts, when she needed her papa but you weren't there.
But I know, you're watching her, right?
And I know, you're smiling right now.

I have to move forward.
She will be fine I hope.
And for you,
I hope you're happy for what you've been seeing so far.

Friday, March 1, 2013

You Belong To the Avenue of the Stars.

Where the hell are you?
I am sad, you hear me?
What the hell are you doing right now?

I saw a guy this afternoon.
He held his baby girl in his arms.
He kissed her fondly, he watched her eyes with his heart.
And he reminded me of someone I cannot have back because he went down a path I cannot follow.


Magic happened and you went away.
Happiness arrived but you weren't there to enjoyed it.
Sadness landed here on my face but you weren't here to felt it with me.
You weren't everywhere, neither was I.

Did you go to a several beautiful places?
Did you light up your fireworks?
Did you ever see me cry?
Such a catasthrope I had back then.

I am sorry, terribly sorry.
I can't hold back my tears.
Fuck, I miss you so damn much.
Still, you can't ease my burden.

For now you are an incubus inside my head.
All I need is you to lift me up from this abyss full of fear and pain.
Please, don't ever bring me down, again.
Please, listen to my echoes.

We both know what's right and wrong.
We painted the skies and we made tragedies.
Both of us are such a crazy aliens.
You and I, belong to the avenue of the stars.

To fall asleep with you would be heaven, you know that.
But the dimensions we are living right now is so fucking different.
And it hurts.
You made your own decision, so you shut down your life and your world.

I can't bring you back to life.
But your memories linger here forever.
But how long will I go on before I realize that I already lost you anyway?
All I want is you to come here and sit with me.

One day,
I will find you, I will reach you.
Imprisoning you, in my life.
So you won't go far.

Fuck you, Aries. You were mine and I fucking miss you so damn much.

Inhaling Fire.

We won't make it.
It won't work.
We can't do this.

You cannot force your heart to love someone.
You cannot force your mind to believe something that actually, you doubt it.
Synchronize your mind and your heart.
Find the conclusion and stop asking why.

But I keep listening to what you say.
I keep watching you from a distance.
I keep on trying.
Because I know what's best for me and you know that too.

I gave up twice.
I hurt a lot.
I fucked my heart and my mind.
Because I lost everything I loved in a blink of an eye.

Maybe you're not the only one.
Maybe you came to not to save me.
You came, to make me stronger.
You're here, to make me realize that I am no better.

If you plan to leave,
I have to give us a space, a big space.
No more torment, my heart is poor.
But I will show you that I am fine without you, though I will cry in my room.

No need to hurry because the clock is ticking slowly.
Why don't we have a ride?
Citylights and a cup of hot chocolate would be good.
Leave these behind, enjoy the night.