Another War, Another Year.

How can I learn your song,

If you are not here?

How can I follow your footsteps,

If you are walking on air?

Are you alright?

Did those nightmares come again?

Did reality hurt you again?

Did you drop a tear?

I know your fear can't be tame.

Calm it down.

Controll your emotion.

Burst it out now.

Don't ever feel sad for what is over.

Just be glad that it was once yours.

You know where you belong.

You know what you believe in.

You are not afraid to walk away.

You are not afraid to let go.

You are not afraid to keep those beautiful memories with you.

You are not afraid to wait around for something that you know might not happen.

Now, stand up.

Let the light shines upon you.

Let your anger collides with your dreams.

Let me end your pain.

Now sit down and close your eyes.

You know it takes losing something to realize what you’ve had.

You did everything right for someone that does everything wrong,

Though you never put your happiness in someone else’s hands.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Talking Through Sonar.

Who are you?

I am a shape shifter.

Where do you came from?

Somewhere in Iceland, near the lake.

What are you laughing at?

My tears.

How old are you?

1000 years, just like those big trees in Amazon.

Why are you crying?

I lost my eagle this morning. Someone killed it.

What do you think about life?

Life's fair.

What do you think about you yourself?

I was torn in life.

What do you think about her?

A lady in waiting.

What do you think about him?

A boy who carries crayons and a bottle of alcohol.

What do you think about them?

A group of bastards with shits.

What kind of food do you like?

Food that made by heartless people.

What kind of drink do you like?

Useless words and outpouring hearts.

What kind of music do you like?

Ambient music and other painful instrumentals.

What makes you a great person today?

I didn't smoke this morning.

What makes you a bad person today?

I helped my mother in the kitchen this morning.

What makes you want to sing?

Animal instinct.

What makes you want to dance?

Ed Sheeran - Small Bump

What makes you want to live?

Echoes of their elegies.

What makes you want to die?

Their bones, their skins and their hearts.

What makes you want to let go?

Their imaginations kill the world.

What's your motto?

Semper Fi.

Do you wish upon a star?

I wish upon nebula not star.

Do you realize things?

I realize them before it comes or before it happens.

Do you dream a lot?

My life is a dream.

Are you happy now?

No.

Why?

Because Earth asked me to not to.

Do you believe in angels?

We are angels.

Do you believe in God?

We are the God of ourselves.

Do you believe in heaven and hell?

I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you a stranger.

Are you Anissa Sadino?

I am, fucker.

I Was Torn From Life.

Strange. I feel strange.

I'm on my bed.

I'm looking outside my window.

And I don't feel like breathing.

A bottle of beer and Lysergic Acid Diethylamide,

Weeds and ambient music,

My system works like shit.

My eyes are getting red.

I'm afraid.

I fear you, I fear me.

My heart is beating so damn fast.

Should I redeem my sins?

He told me before,

That I should've said it all.

I should've quit and stopped.

But my hands won't stop doing it.

Why do people scream for help?

Why do people cry when they hurt?

Why do people desire?

Why are we letting go?

Should I paint my face black?

Should I rip my mouth with a butcher knife?

Should I ask you what's going on?

Should I run to see what's happening on the horizon?

I'm freaking my shit out of me.

I locked myself away from you.

I'm controlling my anger away from you.

I held your heart like I always did to you.

Nightmares and our dreams,

Self awareness and tears,

Black eyes and bloodstains,

Wear my skin now and move out.

A Place Where Our Dreams and Reality Collide.

We are high.

We are sitting on the wing of an eagle.

We are running on a desolate freeway.

We are a lone wolves terrorist.

We painted our own galaxy.

We saw phenomena together.

We held back our tears.

We left our memories behind.

I am a marionette.

And you are a cyborg.

We are cursing each other.

But we are in love with the sounds we made.

We, are the world.

We are the freedom.

We are the keeper of the faith.

We cannot be separate.

We live in the sky.

We blend with the color of the ocean.

We hear nothing but a beating heart.

We, complete each other.

And In That Moment I Swear We Were Infinite.

Anggia sits on the sofa at the balcony in her house.

Waiting.

She's waiting someone to come home,

To give her the warmest hug she had ever got.

She remembers something.

Five years ago, at the beach.

It was midnight and it was cold.

It was beautiful.

That was the first time when Juneau confessed to her,

That he loves her and wants to be with her.

And that was the first time Juneau kissed her forehead,

Because they agreed to start a new life together.

Juneau is a great man, a gentle man.

Anggia and Juneau are one.

They understand each other,

It's like they can communicate with only using their inner voices.

Juneau is Anggia.

Anggia is Juneau.

Juneau is hers.

Anggia is his.

Knock, knock.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

Anggia runs towards the door and opens it.

It's Juneau.

They're staring each other for a minute.

"What took you so long?", Anggia looks mad.

"You said you'll be home at 7, but take a look to your watch, what time is it? It's almost midnight!", Anggia's voice rises.

"My plane got delayed... Why are you mad?", asks Juneau.

"I miss you!", and Anggia drops her tears.

Juneau keeps silent and still staring at her.

"What are you looking at?!", asks Anggia.

"I'm looking at my wife. She's always stunning to look at", answers Juneau.

Juneau hugs her like he never hugged her before.

He kisses her forehead and wipes her tears.

"Don't cry, Anggia. Angel doesn't cry", says Juneau.

Anggia smiles at him.

They walk in, to the living room.

Anggia is making a hot tea for her husband,

While her husband is relaxing on the sofa.

Juneau looks tired.

"Angel", Juneau calls her wife. "Mind to accompany me?"

"Where to?", Anggia walks towards her husband and puts a cup of hot tea on the table in front of them.

"To heaven, to meet my other angels", says Juneau.

"Sure", answers Anggia.

They walk together upstairs towards a door with the word 'heaven'.

Juneau opens the door and smiles so wide.

"My angels are sleeping", Juneau steps inside the room.

"I miss my twins so much", says Juneau.

Juneau is watching his twins sleeping.

His face really shows Anggia that he really misses their children.

Juneau kisses the twins and walks towards Anggia.

"Goodnight, my King Angelo and my Queen Angela", says Juneau and he closes the door.

"Juneau, I am happy to have you. At the first, I can't imagine that I'll be your wife. But now you see, I am giving you my all and I am a proud mother and a proud wife. Yes, Juneau, I will marry you, I will be your wife. Like you said, until death do us apart"

"Angel, I will marry you today and everyday"

Wherever He Is, That's Where My Home Is.

Just like the old days,

I'm letting the world flows through me.

I can almost see the sea from here.

I'm gonna dive in and make my bones hurt by the cold.

What?

Hey, I'm doing great.

Just because I talk with an accent,

Doesn't mean I think with an accent.

Stop.

I am stopping myself for rewinding the memories.

I've promised myself to not to touch it.

But why my feeling and my logic won't cooperate?

He's like the air to me.

Why can I just love him?

He's so easy to love.

I must see it through, what brought me here.

I can almost hear your voice,

Telling me to remember all the good,

How we loved and laughed and played.

Forgetting all the bad.

January is all I know and all I ever want to know.

Why a month?

Because it's long enough to be meaningful,

But short enough to stay out of trouble.

Do you know something?

You're defying every law of nature I've ever known.

Life will never be better or sweeter than this.

Why don't you just tell me what you need?

We tried to be wrong once in a while.

We did our ego good.

Now, would you picture your life for me?

Twenty years from now, with me by your side?

I know what we had was real.

I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent our time together.

You gave me so many things,

And that's what I hope to give to you forever. 

Juneau, I can almost see you,

That one day, you'll be here too.

Live the life you have before we separated.

For I will be here, waiting to welcome you.

"I know that she is good and strong and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that, how wonderful, how special she is?"
-Juneau, Kópavogur.

Search and Destroy.

Searching,

Drowning,

Searching,

Burning,

Do I have to see?

Do I have to feel?

Do I have to accept?

Do I have to welcome?

I am too independent.

My excess is my flaw.

I am too arrogant to myself.

I am too selfish to myself.

Mother said what I need is balance.

I need a balancer who understands the way I am.

I need to talk to myself and ask my heart.

Do I need you, or not.

Photographs.

I had and I lost.

I owned and I lied.

I ran and I fell.

I loved and I let go.

I knew you came.

I knew that you didn't want to see me.

I knew that you wanted to do your things.

So I let you.

I won't write a long words here.

Hey, I miss you.

Ἀνάγκη.

She wasn't exactly sure when it happened nor when it started.

All she knew was that right here and now.

She was falling hard,

And she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.

But time told her something.

Something that hurt her,

Something that she didn't want to see and hear.

He wasn't for her to be exact.

He broke her heart in the right way.

He figured out that she fell in love with him,

And he tried to make her stop by hurt her that way.

He succeeded.

She knew that she cannot separate the good from the bad.

She knew that there is no need to do so either.

She knew that without the mask, where will she hide?

She knew that she will always fall in love and it will always be like having her throat cut, just that fast.

And she knew that her path won't cross with his.

And she knew that to fall in love with a man whose future can't include her is a big mistake.

How can she acts like she never loved him?

She fell down so hard and his absence has been making her heart grow fonder.

She has been through a lot of happy moments and have suffered a great deal.

Every moment is different from the other. 

The good, the bad, the joy, the tragedy, love, sadness and happiness,

Those are called life.

She wants to go far away from there.

Because her experience made her completely alive.

Because it was only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon, a week.

Because she is left with memories that she will treasure it for the rest of her life.

What is meant to be will always find a way, she knows that.

To say how much she loves is to love but a little.

And love can come to everyone, everywhere, everytime.

And it is forever, never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.

He came to her life,

And left footprints on her heart.

She knows that she will lose by holding back.

And now she is waiting for the day when she looks at him,

And she feels absolutely nothing.

I Miss You Just A Little Too Much.

Can you feel it?

The space I gave between us?

Can you see it?

The distance that grows each day between us?

I want you to comeback,

As a stranger.

Because if I win my ego over this,

I want you to comeback as my man.

So, don't comeback.

Still, I don't know what am I doing.

I don't know am I right or not.

And I don't want to know.

My feeling grows.

I want to turn around.

But I know we had it all and it ended already.

We let it all crashed down.

And I know,

That you don't have that feeling of losing someone.

You don't want to think too much about this.

You don't feel what I feel, never.

Maybe I was just a victim of your experiment.

Maybe I walked too far that day.

Maybe I am no different from them.

Maybe you were right to gave up on me.

We are not one, I know.

Maybe in the end, I could be right.

And my prayer goes to you and your life.

And yes, I miss you just a little too much.

You Are Not That Individualist.

He has been doing good.

He has been doing very good.

What he needs and what he wants.

All in one.

You have been pushing yourself too much.

Your body's screaming, asking you to stop hurting yourself that way.

And now, it's time for you to take a deep rest.

Take a deep breath, open your eyes.

You told me you were confuse.

You asked me what should you do.

Then you tell me that now you know and you understand.

You say thank you and you realize.

Don't say thanks.

You're the one who solved your own problems.

You're the one who finds what you and your body need.

I only watch you from a distance.

Even though I only stayed for a moment,

I am happy for what you've done to yourself.

I am happy that you are different and you will find what you want.

These happy tears I cried won't be in vain.

Congratulations, Raindy Suhendra. I am very proud to help you out.

The Knight of Neverland.

I was walking alone that day,

When I saw someone.

I don't even know his name.

But I can't resist my eyes to see.

He was happy,

With a bunch of pressures live inside his soul.

He knows how to conquer his fear.

He knows how to protect himself.

I don't understand how people live their lives.

How they believe, how they think.

Their reactions, their visions.

Those are good for me to learn how life goes on.

I remember, a close friend of mine said this to me,

"Your faith has got to be greater than your fear".

It was Julian Casablancas's song,

And he tattooed those words on his chest to remind himself.

He was right.

He proved it to himself by tattooed it on his chest.

He was ready.

He moved on from his dark life to a better one.

My friend here has the most free-spirited soul I have ever seen.

He lied for good and he let me know his past.

He went out good, he went crazy.

And I just loved the way he moved forward.

Funny, I am smiling so wide right now.

I'm feeling good.

I won't let myself down.

I will let go what's weighs me down.

I won't hate March.

I am grateful.

I'll keep on learning.

Because I am the knight, of Neverland.

My Heroine.

I went to my Grandmother's bedroom last night.

Empty,

Quiet,

And no one is there.

You were here on this bed.

You were here, smiling.

We used to talk.

We used to laughed together.

When you were gone,

My world broke in two.

You left before I said I am sorry for what I have done to you.

You left before reality hurt you.

Glad to see that you are not here right now.

I could kill myself if you're still here.

I won't be able to see you hurt by the facts, again.

Thank you God, You took her to the place where You made her.

Your scent remained here in your room.

Still, I saw your colors spread around your bed.

I won't forget your eyes and your words.

Because you live here, in me.

I am going to say goodbye to this house today.

Your castle holds a million of memories, you know that.

I've been growing up here, with you.

And now, I have to let this one go.

"Goodnight, Grandma! Sleep tight and have a nice dream!"

"You too, Princess. Have a nice dream and don't forget to pray, okay?"

"Yes, Grandma, will do!"

"Pray that our family will be happy forever and after, okay?"

"Always pray for that, Beautiful! Goodnight! Until morning, Beautiful!"

"Until morning, my Princess. Goodnight."

I Dreamed You Were Smiling, Shifting For Good.

"Jazz, do you know that I am a woman who commits to be faithful anytime and anywhere? I am a brave one, and I am responsible for all the risks that I have done? I don't mind if I have to face a painful truth, at least I tried my best. I am a woman who wants to conquer my fear. Yes, I shall fear no evil. I am a woman with my words. If I want something, I would do anything to get it even though to get it is to break yourself. I know that happiness won't come easily, because we are the ones who create it. I won't give up. But if you give up on it, I will give up on it too. So, if you give up on me, I will give up on me too. I've been disappointed and I've been hurt before, but it won't stop me to find my home. You said that we'll walk through this together but you doubt yourself. You doubted me, you doubted us, you doubted reality. No, I'm not writing any bad things here. It's just, my conscience told me to. And why we can't be friends? Because it'll take time to recover and I appreciate that you agreed to give me some space so I can breathe easily. Boys will always be boys, girls will always be girls. Why we won't talk to you guys after shit happened? Because you don't understand the feeling of losing someone. We are too sensitive for that, and it hurts to hear or read something about you, guys. You will never understand the enormous feeling we have to let go. Girls are all about feeling and boys are all about logic, you know that. Well, you know that I am not good in any kind of goodbye and I hate it, so... See you when I see you. Be good."

-Sajesha, Stockholm.

Fuck This Shit.

And again,

I have to live half alive.

I have to love someone from a distance.

I have to respect the people who took my heart away.

I have to go on with my life.

I have to walk out from my comfort zone.

I have to lose someone who gave me supports.

I have to forget.

Pain on pain on play repeating.

It's Only Your Shadow.

Now playing: Britney Spears - Shadow

Your body isn't warm anymore.

Those arms are not mine anymore.

You give a little, not a lot.

I love you, but not like this.

I am watching you disappear.

But you were never here.

I cannot keep what is not mine.

But you're gone anyway.

You say it so loud but you sound far away.
It's only your shadow,
Never yourself, nobody else.
You're arriving too late and leaving too soon.

Your body gives but then holds back.

Your heart gives but then your mind holds back.

All I had back then was just a glimpse of your soul and our memories.

All I'm having right now are your name and you as somebody else.

Love,

Pain,

Happiness,

Awesomeness,

Photographs,

Convincing words,

Faces,

Scents,

Comfort,

Fear,

Willingness,

Supports,

The feeling of missing someone,

Your shadow,

Memories,

Those never ending conversations about life,

I am going to leave it all behind.

Look at the horizon,

Chin up.

Don't worry,

He's everywhere.

"Sometimes, two hearts that care for each other are not meant to be together."

Before I Forget.

I don't like this.

The feeling when you wake up,

And your heart beats faster than it used to.

A feeling, you can't deny.

Why I am here?

Again?

Starring at the memories I have to erase?

Watching you fade away?

Dear Heart,

I am sorry, I failed you once again.

I am sorry, I have to force you to forget.

I am sorry, that you have to work so hard on this, again.

I swear I want to punch the mirror.

I hate to see myself.

Swollen eyes and broken-hearted face,

I am such a fucker, denying everything.

No, I don't blame you for this.

You're right and I am wrong.

You're good and I am bad.

You're strong and I am weak.

I swear that this won't be easy.

It'll take months to let go.

Why?

Because I stop myself to watch the most beautiful dawn in January.

I won't forget what you have taught and told me.

I will remember and I will do it for the sake of my happiness.

My prayer goes to you.

So does the loving arms of mine.

Please,

Don't ever try to reach me.

Stop making me cry, don't make me want to keep you in mine.

I love you, just go.

"Dawn, if only I can have the chance to not to give you up, I would do it for you. If only I can have the chance to scream in front of your face to not give up on me, I would scream and fuck everything. Honestly, I don't care if our surroundings hurt me more than ever. But I should think about you, you're not comfortable with that. If only I could keep you in my arms, I would do it. You said that we're going to go through this together, right? But you're not ready. You're not good in this. Thank you, for your attention. Thank you, for the last awesome three weeks at your place. Thank you, for making changes in me. Thank you, for letting me love you and letting yourself love me. Thank you, for reminding me to pray. Thank you, for telling me stories about life. Thank you, for the broken heart. You'll be good, because you already know how."

Dry your eyes, Lucy. Goodbye and take care.

My Prayer of Atonement.

Thank you,

For making me realize.

Thank you,

For letting me see.

If only I could turn back time,

I would leave you as soon as possible.

I wouldn't let you in.

I wouldn't let you touch me.

I should've not said your name.

I should've not called you out.

I should've not asked you things.

I should've not fallen for you.

Now I am here,

Sitting and hurting myself in vain.

Starring at the mess I made.

I should walk away.

I am sorry, my mistakes.

I'm wrong.

Every second I've been doing is all wrong.

Yes, I've been doing you wrong.

I am sad.

Why I have to face this kind of thing again and again?

All I want is a simple kind of story, a lovely one.

No charges, no pain.

Now I am here,

Standing with no confidence.

I am weak for a moment.

I am hurt for what I've been doing.

I will say goodbye.

I will leave it all behind.

I will walk away.

And you will understand.